it would be remiss and unfortunate if i didn't express my appreciation for not only the staff at princess margaret, toronto general, and mount sinai, but mostly to armin, to my friend john board and his friend derek for sharing their time and experience with me... when you're critically ill it can be easy to fall into the trap of only seeing your needs and not being sensitive to others and what otherwise is so easy to take for granted. i'm also grateful to my uncle in calgary for helping me keep this diagnosis from my mother as she declines into dementia and alzheimers.
i'm also grateful to my mother for the escalating draw of her own needs which lends a certain perspective to mine, gets me out of my own headspace, and gives me every day an active theater in which to exercise forgiveness.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
changed my mind again...
i decided to go ahead with the genetics testing (the blood was drawn yesterday) and to have the bone and CAT scans... and lucky for me a cancelation made an MRI available for me this evening.
my strategies are focusing on getting as alkaline as i can get. i'm using pH strips to get my ground levels today and starting tomorrow i'll be dosing on baking soda water through the day. i've been using ketosis strips to check my urine and i've been in strong ketosis for the last two weeks. unfortunately it hasn't yet had any effect on the tumour which continues to grow very aggressively and to the point where i can't see how i can save the breast. the smaller benign cyst in my L breast that was discovered last week has been paining me and not behaving in tandem with my menstrual cycle, for if it did, just after a menses i would feel the least discomfort... instead the pain has been increasing. these facts, added to the unfortunate reality that i'm experiencing continuous and wandering pangs (in the cranium, jaw, neck, chest, lymphatic channels, groin, hip...) leads me to have to consider that perhaps this cancer has had such a headstart on me as to preclude the interventions i've started out here with.
that might sound like a negative, depressive, or moribund thing to say, but i have to think in all directions here.
when i consulted with the genetics department i was a bit shocked when they suggested that their aim, should i test positive for BRCA1/2, would be to recommend that i have both breasts removed plus my ovaries and fallopian tubes... for the scant reason that their statistics show a 40% risk increase for ovarian cancer. the artist side of my brain flipped on, and i started seeing these body parts in georgia o'keefe-style schematics which in turn led me to thinking back to my mother, herself without a uterus and having never experienced a menses in her life, who wanted to adopt a boy but got me, and therefore raised me without any consciousness of femaleness, save the caricature of a coquette that she played. our home was marked not just by violence and aggression, but by the absence of physical intimacy. no snuggling, no cuddling, no hugs and kisses. when i began to blossom into puberty an incident forced my mother to at last abandon the rod and the lash, but in their place she had father put locks on all the fridges, cabinets, cool rooms and freezers. she equated my body changes to a lax in discipline around food and sought to put me on a regime to keep me slim, and i guess boy-like. its not hard to understand that i grew up severely afflicted in my sense of self-worth and without any appreciation, understanding or pleasure in being a woman.
this all came to mind again (tho i admit these days the past is never far from mind) in a chilling realization of just to what extent this drama i was cast into is playing itself out.... my long-maligned womanhood is being threatened with a macabre endgame, a carving-out of my very being at the behest of my own cellular revolt. unsurprisingly, i cannot accept this.
i firmly believe that life can be experienced as something that happens to us or something that we co-create through our responses to various things. on average, we vacillate between the two extremes before we choose where we're most comfortable. as children we can't do much to intermediate between our delicate and vulnerable selves and the god-like proportions of those who parent us, but we can't honestly say the same for the dynamic in adulthood. the extent to which we feel at a disadvantage lies in direct proportion to how much the selves of the past companion and pollute the present moment. certainly, these last twenty years i've done nothing but struggle to free myself of the acquired habits my early experiences, and for the most part i've failed repeatedly.
i know in my bones that this cancer only appears to be a materially-based phenomenon. i believe it's ultimate source lies nested in my (understandable) resentment... and not so much for the things that have happened to me, but over the intractable nature of the hold the past still has over me and how poorly i feel i've met the challenge to throw off the traumas of old. why am i so attached to being at a disadvantage or getting the short end of the stick?
nothing will stop me from doing everything in my power and means to starve this damn cancer physiologically, but i can no longer also deny that i have to find a way to engage myself in a psychological/emotional process to get to the tap roots where the 'demon' of the thing lives. this part, unfortunately, comes with no instruction manual.
i must admit in the last 24 hours i had my first encounter since this diagnosis with a little self-pity. since life tends to tweak and exaggerate the things that need address rather than encouraging our escape from them, someone well meaning sent me a link to the website and video linked below which did trigger me briefly... i heard the wahwah convo inside my head about how much easier it must be to address a cancer when you have the financial resources to cross the country to get counsel from the best of the best, to buy all the food and supplements you want, and are surrounded by a loving family who supports you unquestionably.
but that little spot of self-pity only lasted less than half an hour. i quickly rebounded with the trickle of an insight that pointed out the positive... that i've been given my particular challenges and limitations because they're the means by which i will find MY strength... yes, there's a way to look at life like a chart and calibrate the pros and cons of people's situations and compare them, but that's NOT the point. i have to believe the pitch of the incline i'm traveling here has been grafted into this life to suit the inner resources i'm bringing to the table. what i keep hearing is not dissimilar from what kris carr herself heard at various points... that i'm not really sick. but also, that i haven't really unpacked all of who i am and that this is what this cancer is about. without the cancer i would be continuing in my struggle to get the self-made barriers and armourings out of the way of my potential and probably still doing a two-step up one down dance. with this cancer, i have a chance with my ass singeing in the fires as it is, to do battle, not with the disease, but with the agents within me that have sought to keep me small and wrong as a protective mechanism. i learned not to do as well as i might've to avoid getting too much attention or to be singled out too often for challenge or abuse. i learned not to speak my mind or follow my heart to avoid altercation with my controllers. its not rocket science.
all i can think of this hour is that i _can_ unlearn. i must. when there's no help on the horizon, it's not more punishment, its that you're fated to become your own solution. in truth, i really don't desire the experience of being able to dump my problems in the lap of some expert and have them direct and produce my healing. i absolutely believe this is not even in the realm of possible because all evidence heuristically assessed tells me it must be that i'm meant to find my own strength and wisdom. what's more, if i can find that wilder courage, that extra strength, that deeper wisdom, right aids and right community, i believe, will come to me when i can receive them in the right frame of mind. i can no longer afford to let myself be passive or submissive or subordinate to larger forces. this is my test. and it's a test i can't keep skipping.
my strategies are focusing on getting as alkaline as i can get. i'm using pH strips to get my ground levels today and starting tomorrow i'll be dosing on baking soda water through the day. i've been using ketosis strips to check my urine and i've been in strong ketosis for the last two weeks. unfortunately it hasn't yet had any effect on the tumour which continues to grow very aggressively and to the point where i can't see how i can save the breast. the smaller benign cyst in my L breast that was discovered last week has been paining me and not behaving in tandem with my menstrual cycle, for if it did, just after a menses i would feel the least discomfort... instead the pain has been increasing. these facts, added to the unfortunate reality that i'm experiencing continuous and wandering pangs (in the cranium, jaw, neck, chest, lymphatic channels, groin, hip...) leads me to have to consider that perhaps this cancer has had such a headstart on me as to preclude the interventions i've started out here with.
that might sound like a negative, depressive, or moribund thing to say, but i have to think in all directions here.
when i consulted with the genetics department i was a bit shocked when they suggested that their aim, should i test positive for BRCA1/2, would be to recommend that i have both breasts removed plus my ovaries and fallopian tubes... for the scant reason that their statistics show a 40% risk increase for ovarian cancer. the artist side of my brain flipped on, and i started seeing these body parts in georgia o'keefe-style schematics which in turn led me to thinking back to my mother, herself without a uterus and having never experienced a menses in her life, who wanted to adopt a boy but got me, and therefore raised me without any consciousness of femaleness, save the caricature of a coquette that she played. our home was marked not just by violence and aggression, but by the absence of physical intimacy. no snuggling, no cuddling, no hugs and kisses. when i began to blossom into puberty an incident forced my mother to at last abandon the rod and the lash, but in their place she had father put locks on all the fridges, cabinets, cool rooms and freezers. she equated my body changes to a lax in discipline around food and sought to put me on a regime to keep me slim, and i guess boy-like. its not hard to understand that i grew up severely afflicted in my sense of self-worth and without any appreciation, understanding or pleasure in being a woman.
this all came to mind again (tho i admit these days the past is never far from mind) in a chilling realization of just to what extent this drama i was cast into is playing itself out.... my long-maligned womanhood is being threatened with a macabre endgame, a carving-out of my very being at the behest of my own cellular revolt. unsurprisingly, i cannot accept this.
i firmly believe that life can be experienced as something that happens to us or something that we co-create through our responses to various things. on average, we vacillate between the two extremes before we choose where we're most comfortable. as children we can't do much to intermediate between our delicate and vulnerable selves and the god-like proportions of those who parent us, but we can't honestly say the same for the dynamic in adulthood. the extent to which we feel at a disadvantage lies in direct proportion to how much the selves of the past companion and pollute the present moment. certainly, these last twenty years i've done nothing but struggle to free myself of the acquired habits my early experiences, and for the most part i've failed repeatedly.
i know in my bones that this cancer only appears to be a materially-based phenomenon. i believe it's ultimate source lies nested in my (understandable) resentment... and not so much for the things that have happened to me, but over the intractable nature of the hold the past still has over me and how poorly i feel i've met the challenge to throw off the traumas of old. why am i so attached to being at a disadvantage or getting the short end of the stick?
nothing will stop me from doing everything in my power and means to starve this damn cancer physiologically, but i can no longer also deny that i have to find a way to engage myself in a psychological/emotional process to get to the tap roots where the 'demon' of the thing lives. this part, unfortunately, comes with no instruction manual.
i must admit in the last 24 hours i had my first encounter since this diagnosis with a little self-pity. since life tends to tweak and exaggerate the things that need address rather than encouraging our escape from them, someone well meaning sent me a link to the website and video linked below which did trigger me briefly... i heard the wahwah convo inside my head about how much easier it must be to address a cancer when you have the financial resources to cross the country to get counsel from the best of the best, to buy all the food and supplements you want, and are surrounded by a loving family who supports you unquestionably.
but that little spot of self-pity only lasted less than half an hour. i quickly rebounded with the trickle of an insight that pointed out the positive... that i've been given my particular challenges and limitations because they're the means by which i will find MY strength... yes, there's a way to look at life like a chart and calibrate the pros and cons of people's situations and compare them, but that's NOT the point. i have to believe the pitch of the incline i'm traveling here has been grafted into this life to suit the inner resources i'm bringing to the table. what i keep hearing is not dissimilar from what kris carr herself heard at various points... that i'm not really sick. but also, that i haven't really unpacked all of who i am and that this is what this cancer is about. without the cancer i would be continuing in my struggle to get the self-made barriers and armourings out of the way of my potential and probably still doing a two-step up one down dance. with this cancer, i have a chance with my ass singeing in the fires as it is, to do battle, not with the disease, but with the agents within me that have sought to keep me small and wrong as a protective mechanism. i learned not to do as well as i might've to avoid getting too much attention or to be singled out too often for challenge or abuse. i learned not to speak my mind or follow my heart to avoid altercation with my controllers. its not rocket science.
all i can think of this hour is that i _can_ unlearn. i must. when there's no help on the horizon, it's not more punishment, its that you're fated to become your own solution. in truth, i really don't desire the experience of being able to dump my problems in the lap of some expert and have them direct and produce my healing. i absolutely believe this is not even in the realm of possible because all evidence heuristically assessed tells me it must be that i'm meant to find my own strength and wisdom. what's more, if i can find that wilder courage, that extra strength, that deeper wisdom, right aids and right community, i believe, will come to me when i can receive them in the right frame of mind. i can no longer afford to let myself be passive or submissive or subordinate to larger forces. this is my test. and it's a test i can't keep skipping.
Monday, June 17, 2013
a woman's prerogative...
Hi Dr. ***, Michelle Bellerose here.... I have some questions regarding the further imaging we agreed to that I'm hoping you can address...
To reframe here, I'm the patient pursuing alternative treatment strategies with an interest in diagnostic information and surgery, but not chemotherapy or radiation.
To review... we have some concern that this breast cancer is not a primary lesion, but in fact a secondary site of another cancer. To date we only have inconclusive biopsy results and are waiting for two more receptor tests. We are also still waiting on lab analysis of the lymph biopsy. The first question I have is, could this breast cancer be a Triple Negative Breast Cancer and not a metastatic tumour?
After doing some research on MRIs, CAT and bone scans.... I feel the two latter tests should really be reserved ONLY once a) the lymph node tests positive for malignancy AND b) an MRI shows indication of tumour activity somewhere else in the body. Until those conditions are met, these two tests, I believe, will expose me to unnecessary levels of radiation at a time when my body needs its best integrity and wholeness.
While we're certain of a malignancy in the breast that's been growing in size, we haven't yet been able to discern for certain how much of its recent growth might've been due to hormonal changes of my menstrual cycle affecting the cystic components... I got my period right after the initial biposy and consult with you, and cysts normally decrease in size after the start of menses.... I would like to be re-evaluated with another ultrasound in two weeks at the nadir of my cycle so that we can compare the measurements and get a better handle on how "aggressive" the growth of the tumour component really is.
I also wanted to ask, if its a foregone conclusion that surgery, either a lumpectomy or mastectomy, are in my best interests, is there anything to gain, waiting another month until my scheduled reassessment and consult with you on 11 July 2013? As I first mentioned, even if I am internally _riddled_ with cancer, I will under no circumstances take the course of chemo or radiation, so perhaps we can avoid unnecessary expenditure of tax dollars on tests and cut to the chase here...
So to summarize, I am requesting...
a) the scheduling of an MRI as quickly as possible (this has not yet happened because of some administrative glitch, I've been assured I should be getting notification of an appointment soon but I would appreciate it if you could make an enquiry as to what the hold up is....)
b) the scheduling of a mid-menstrual cycle ultrasound anytime July 1, 2, 3....
c) a consult with you right after this second ultrasound in the hopes of fast-tracking to surgery, should this be desirable
d) and the putting on the back burner for use only under exceptional circumstances, the bone and CAT scans....
Could you please give me a call back or drop me a line letting me know if you can help me modify our plans here...? I do appreciate your help in tailoring the usual procedures to reflect my wishes, and as I said at our first meeting, these are not choices I've undertaken lightly and I take full responsibility for my health, healing and any and all outcomes...
With my best respect...
To reframe here, I'm the patient pursuing alternative treatment strategies with an interest in diagnostic information and surgery, but not chemotherapy or radiation.
To review... we have some concern that this breast cancer is not a primary lesion, but in fact a secondary site of another cancer. To date we only have inconclusive biopsy results and are waiting for two more receptor tests. We are also still waiting on lab analysis of the lymph biopsy. The first question I have is, could this breast cancer be a Triple Negative Breast Cancer and not a metastatic tumour?
After doing some research on MRIs, CAT and bone scans.... I feel the two latter tests should really be reserved ONLY once a) the lymph node tests positive for malignancy AND b) an MRI shows indication of tumour activity somewhere else in the body. Until those conditions are met, these two tests, I believe, will expose me to unnecessary levels of radiation at a time when my body needs its best integrity and wholeness.
While we're certain of a malignancy in the breast that's been growing in size, we haven't yet been able to discern for certain how much of its recent growth might've been due to hormonal changes of my menstrual cycle affecting the cystic components... I got my period right after the initial biposy and consult with you, and cysts normally decrease in size after the start of menses.... I would like to be re-evaluated with another ultrasound in two weeks at the nadir of my cycle so that we can compare the measurements and get a better handle on how "aggressive" the growth of the tumour component really is.
I also wanted to ask, if its a foregone conclusion that surgery, either a lumpectomy or mastectomy, are in my best interests, is there anything to gain, waiting another month until my scheduled reassessment and consult with you on 11 July 2013? As I first mentioned, even if I am internally _riddled_ with cancer, I will under no circumstances take the course of chemo or radiation, so perhaps we can avoid unnecessary expenditure of tax dollars on tests and cut to the chase here...
So to summarize, I am requesting...
a) the scheduling of an MRI as quickly as possible (this has not yet happened because of some administrative glitch, I've been assured I should be getting notification of an appointment soon but I would appreciate it if you could make an enquiry as to what the hold up is....)
b) the scheduling of a mid-menstrual cycle ultrasound anytime July 1, 2, 3....
c) a consult with you right after this second ultrasound in the hopes of fast-tracking to surgery, should this be desirable
d) and the putting on the back burner for use only under exceptional circumstances, the bone and CAT scans....
Could you please give me a call back or drop me a line letting me know if you can help me modify our plans here...? I do appreciate your help in tailoring the usual procedures to reflect my wishes, and as I said at our first meeting, these are not choices I've undertaken lightly and I take full responsibility for my health, healing and any and all outcomes...
With my best respect...
Saturday, June 15, 2013
to clarify...
in case my wording was at all vague, when i say i want to collate as much info as possible in order to make decisions best for me, i have not and will never reconsider chemotherapy or radiation as viable options for treatment. no doubt they might temporarily wipe away or reduce the prevalence of a cancer, but the long term and short term ill-effects are such that not only is quality of life an issue, recurrence of cancer is a guarantee no matter what. people who do absolutely _nothing_ about their cancer live on average twice as long as their compliant counterparts who do what conventional doctors tell them to. i'm not doing _nothing_ and i'm at least enjoying life in the process.
i'm continuing in my quest to employ everything i can get my hands on that has proven curative of cancers but also employing basic common sense about the body and how it typically can be supported in its natural healing powers. for example, particularly since the needle biopsy of my lymph node (which as a friend pointed out suddenly leaves a potentially cancerous node with an open wound within a closed system) i've been having more and more defined pain along lymph channels very akin to what i felt the one time in my life i had lymphangitis as a result of a cat scratch. it occurred to me today to start dosing on homeopathic ledum which completely reversed my lymphangitis symptoms (which incidentally are life-threatening... one develops a red line of inflammation along a lymph channel and it if reaches the heart it's morbific... the red line that developed from my wound was diagnosed by a walk-in clinic doctor and was halfway up my arm... he prescribed antibiotics only after i refused to go to hospital and be put on antibiotic drip... instead i filled the script in case, but i took the ledum first and the line was gone within 24 hours)...
there are some other avenues being explored that i can't discuss just yet and i've made a new acquaintance who is also walking the same road, and who knows many more individuals who've done the same, who has offered his experience, support and expertise.
i'm continuing in my quest to employ everything i can get my hands on that has proven curative of cancers but also employing basic common sense about the body and how it typically can be supported in its natural healing powers. for example, particularly since the needle biopsy of my lymph node (which as a friend pointed out suddenly leaves a potentially cancerous node with an open wound within a closed system) i've been having more and more defined pain along lymph channels very akin to what i felt the one time in my life i had lymphangitis as a result of a cat scratch. it occurred to me today to start dosing on homeopathic ledum which completely reversed my lymphangitis symptoms (which incidentally are life-threatening... one develops a red line of inflammation along a lymph channel and it if reaches the heart it's morbific... the red line that developed from my wound was diagnosed by a walk-in clinic doctor and was halfway up my arm... he prescribed antibiotics only after i refused to go to hospital and be put on antibiotic drip... instead i filled the script in case, but i took the ledum first and the line was gone within 24 hours)...
there are some other avenues being explored that i can't discuss just yet and i've made a new acquaintance who is also walking the same road, and who knows many more individuals who've done the same, who has offered his experience, support and expertise.
Friday, June 14, 2013
so the mystery deepens...
it emerges that the tests so far are inconclusive and require more differentiation. the biopsy results of the lymph node won't be available until next week. the breast work so far suggests what i've been speculating... that this is not the primary site of the cancer. so far the results point to either bone, blood or skin cancer, but two of the 'receptor' tests are still to be processed... these will tell us if the biopsied tissue tests positive for estrogen or not... therefore the tumour may still clarify as a breast cancer, but this seems increasingly more unlikely given its aggressive growth and opportunistic composition.
it will take the next two weeks for me to get the MRIs, the bone and CAT scans that should tell the doctors more. i won't know whether surgery will still be an option until i meet again with my surgeon in two weeks... it may be that chemotherapy is the only thing they can offer me. i have been put on a priority list for the scheduling of all these things, i will be seeing a general oncologist soon, and i've been offered a chance to participate in genetic testing since i'm adopted and have no medical history which makes me a candidate for this new experimental program.
i'm as interested as i was from the start in acquiring all the information as i can so that i can make decisions that work best for me. increasingly it looks like regular medicine won't be able to do much anyway, which leaves me in not much of a different position than i was in at the start... i have to find the solution, within given means, and make the best of it. quality of life is more important to me than length of life and so as before, staying positive and bringing my best to this is my bottom line responsibility.
i know that a researcher in the US who uses the ketogenic diet to treat cancer spoke of non-toxic drugs that were used to amplify ketosis and when i consulted with the surgeon today she mentioned that i would have to bring these ideas to the oncologist, they won't go out and follow up on the information for me, which seems fair enough. so there's some homework to do over the next two weeks....
viva la vida!
it will take the next two weeks for me to get the MRIs, the bone and CAT scans that should tell the doctors more. i won't know whether surgery will still be an option until i meet again with my surgeon in two weeks... it may be that chemotherapy is the only thing they can offer me. i have been put on a priority list for the scheduling of all these things, i will be seeing a general oncologist soon, and i've been offered a chance to participate in genetic testing since i'm adopted and have no medical history which makes me a candidate for this new experimental program.
i'm as interested as i was from the start in acquiring all the information as i can so that i can make decisions that work best for me. increasingly it looks like regular medicine won't be able to do much anyway, which leaves me in not much of a different position than i was in at the start... i have to find the solution, within given means, and make the best of it. quality of life is more important to me than length of life and so as before, staying positive and bringing my best to this is my bottom line responsibility.
i know that a researcher in the US who uses the ketogenic diet to treat cancer spoke of non-toxic drugs that were used to amplify ketosis and when i consulted with the surgeon today she mentioned that i would have to bring these ideas to the oncologist, they won't go out and follow up on the information for me, which seems fair enough. so there's some homework to do over the next two weeks....
viva la vida!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
of interest for my journaling here, forgot to note i did have a dream that i found a swollen lymph node on my chest but that on closer examination i found it was just a piece of grit stuck to my skin that i was able to flick away. i'll be curious to see what the tests say and if my dream has any literal correspondences...
and a merrily we go....
i'm home again after my morning at princess margaret where i had an awesome, top of the line experience. i was met first by a nurse practitioner who discussed with me the plan of action for the day. they wanted to do a mammogram first, then the ultrasound and biopsy. i voiced my preference to avoid the mammogram, but when i was presented with the argument that this would furnish my surgeon with the best possible imaging diagnostic of what was going on in my breast, i felt it prudent to reconsider. she told me that the level of radiation exposure is equivalent to an airplane trip from toronto to europe, something i'd heard before and have to take at face value. i've avoided them my whole life, so i can't really say i've been exposed unnecessarily, and of course i want the best outcome for this surgery. she examined me and i directed her to another little lump in the left breast and reported as well the tenderness in the lymph next to the right one. the nurse did try to persuade me to have a clip installed at the same time the biopsy was being performed... a clip would allow for a quick hookup to a chemo drip. she explained that when surgery is performed, they like to ensure a mop up of any remaining cancer with the chemo. i explained that i don't intend to consent to chemo or radiation and why. she suggested i might change my mind, and that if i did, having the clip installed now would spare me a separate procedure. i took a breath and thought about this and decided that i would prefer to make my decisions when all of my diagnostics are on the table and a course of action is offered to me by my surgeon. if i need a clip, i won't have a problem with the additional procedure. having it pre-installed before any decisions are made paves the way for a treatment option i'm not comfortable with.
i then was quickly handed off to my sonographer who took me through all three procedures. the mammogram itself was a little uncomfortable but nothing to complain about. the ultrasound found that the left breast tissue is normal, but i do have two lymph nodes that are enlarged and of concern. the breast clinic doctor came in next to perform the biopsies, and she did four in total. to my relief, she first drained the cystic portions of the lesion. with the guidance of the ultrasound she was able to pinpoint those areas without routing around blindly as my GP had had to. then she gave me some freezing and took the samples, three from the lesion and one from the most concerning lymph node. the tissue samples as well as the fluid she drew will all be analyzed now and i will have my results tomorrow afternoon at 230p when i meet with my surgeon for the first time, a smiling young woman and mother with a very interesting twitter feed. whenever anyone today asked me who my surgeon would be they all said that i was very lucky, that she was very good and a kind person who works to create treatment plans in accord with what's important to the patient.
they told me there would be some pain and swelling after the freezing goes away, but i took a single dose of arnica 30C as soon as i got home and i have no pain whatsoever to speak of. unfortunately i can't do any yoga for a couple days, but i'll go for some walks instead. i've got a pot of miso soup with ginger and dulse seaweed on the stove to neutralize whatever my radiation exposure was today, and i'm feeling fit as a fiddle. i started to realize i was feeling so crappy and poorly on account of how aggressive i was being with my own program of care, and while this is not a bad indicator, for the next few days i'm going to ease off and focus on building up my strength and energy for the surgery so that i'll have all my powers at the ready for making the most of it and recovering without complications or delay.
i then was quickly handed off to my sonographer who took me through all three procedures. the mammogram itself was a little uncomfortable but nothing to complain about. the ultrasound found that the left breast tissue is normal, but i do have two lymph nodes that are enlarged and of concern. the breast clinic doctor came in next to perform the biopsies, and she did four in total. to my relief, she first drained the cystic portions of the lesion. with the guidance of the ultrasound she was able to pinpoint those areas without routing around blindly as my GP had had to. then she gave me some freezing and took the samples, three from the lesion and one from the most concerning lymph node. the tissue samples as well as the fluid she drew will all be analyzed now and i will have my results tomorrow afternoon at 230p when i meet with my surgeon for the first time, a smiling young woman and mother with a very interesting twitter feed. whenever anyone today asked me who my surgeon would be they all said that i was very lucky, that she was very good and a kind person who works to create treatment plans in accord with what's important to the patient.
they told me there would be some pain and swelling after the freezing goes away, but i took a single dose of arnica 30C as soon as i got home and i have no pain whatsoever to speak of. unfortunately i can't do any yoga for a couple days, but i'll go for some walks instead. i've got a pot of miso soup with ginger and dulse seaweed on the stove to neutralize whatever my radiation exposure was today, and i'm feeling fit as a fiddle. i started to realize i was feeling so crappy and poorly on account of how aggressive i was being with my own program of care, and while this is not a bad indicator, for the next few days i'm going to ease off and focus on building up my strength and energy for the surgery so that i'll have all my powers at the ready for making the most of it and recovering without complications or delay.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
good news, i now have an appointment at princess margaret on thursday morning for my imaging and biopsy. i forgot to report earlier, it could also be possible the increase in size in this lesion is due to the fact that its partly composed of cystic structures which are known to swell just before a menstrual period and reduce in size afterwards. in any event, i'll be relieved of having to speculate endlessly in a few days and i'm looking forward to the new playing field, que sera sera...
always be prepared to make room for inconvenient facts...
despite my efforts, the mass in my breast is growing at an alarming rate. i wanted to avoid neurotically checking on it everyday as it also makes it more difficult to assess changes, so i palpate every two or three days. yesterday i could clearly make out a dramatic change in its girth, and most alarming, its encroachment towards the chest wall, if its not contacted it already. i also could no longer deny that i've got some kind of inflammation going on in the lymph channels on the right side of the body, the pain becoming more and more persistent, sometimes going all the way into my neck and jaw or into my legs. i have no swellings or pain in the armpit. i've also noticed a heavy feeling sometimes in my chest and shortness of breath on the stairs that's unusual for me. my energy overall continues to have good stretches interspersed with times i feel utterly exhausted. to complicate matters, these last two days my body has shut down my bowels and i'm having a tough time figuring out what i've been doing wrong.
all this leads me to wonder if the cancer has been operant at another location in the body i would not easily detect and if the breast is a secondary site. whatever is going on, i'm short on information. having still not heard from the hospital, i decided to leave a message with the intake coordinator wishing to confirm she received my lab reports last week, to appraise her of the changes in my condition since my first assessment, and to request my file be fast-tracked for assessment.
i don't care how challenging or complex this ordeal becomes, i won't abandon my positive attitude. that doesn't mean i'll be deluding myself, au contraire. i've carefully considered the trials of this life that i've lived and know full well its entirely possible something in me has decided that its gone as far as it can go, that the frustrations and abuses have taken a toll, and that its time to chalk up the learning achieved and move on to a new cycle. last night i dreamt a team of astronauts took me beyond orbit on a tour farther and farther away from the earth, providing some kind of arcane tutorial on planetary energies that reminded me a great deal of something i'd come across elsewhere, where a spiritualist described the death experience as one where consciousness expands from its old binding to this surly earth to include greater and greater orbits in the cosmos until it becomes infinite. my point is, whatever the trajectory here, both possibilities are equally intriguing and of interest to me and i embrace them both as the eager student i am. whether i can metaphorically die and be reborn through the experience of resolving this cancer, or whether i'm due for the literal endgame, one thing is certain, i want to thoroughly learn from all that i've lived through and take complete responsibility for the choices i've made so that i can build on these consequences, rather than find myself (well, not this self) recast in the same house of horrors and frustrations on account of lack of wisdom development.
i believe it's also possible the cancer has a powerful maintaining cause in the emotional baggage i've not ever really been successful in dumping. it still perplexes me, how to accomplish this feat. i know its important i keep writing behind the scenes my account of the life i've lived. i stopped doing it for a while but i know its important to return to and finish. i also trust that if there's a chance for the emotional clearing i long for, the tools will find me as a result of my genuine readiness to do the work. the death experience might be the healer that teaches me how to let go, but then again, maybe some other resource will cross my path and for the first time i might actually be able to see it for truth and run with it.
if the hospital doesn't get a hold of me today, i might just go and admit myself. in the meantime, i'm not afraid, i'm alive and still fronting this singularity that be me for as long as i can get away with it, just like everyone else, unique snowflakes and perishable all. aho!
Sunday, June 9, 2013
the power of song...
i had the lovely fortune yesterday to take a yin yoga class, a style i find extremely challenging, not because it's slower and requires surrender instead of striving, but because of the effective and immediate way it releases what bodyworkers call, 'issues in the tissues...'
as a person at ease with ideas and abstractions but less fluidly graceful with emotions, its like swimming without knowing how... you feel overwhelmed and inclined to struggle until you decide to have faith and float. the teacher had invited a guitarist who was noodling quietly in the background until the very last pose when he broke out into cohen's hallelujah... i don't believe in angels, but, for me, it was like an angel had come into the room through this young boy's voice. i instantly unraveled, not out of sadness, no. i was moved to tears by the sheer power of the singing voice, the way it reaches inside people to touch them in a way other medias can't.
there's little need for me to point out the obvious, that contemporary music has so very much lost touch with this fact but moved headlong into the other extreme of mostly pointless escapism, adding its bit to a new social norm that prefers to see us cynical except for our thrill to consume, hard-hearted except for our own wants and wishes, and immune to responsiveness except those that keep us lubricated cogs in the machine.
i feel so grateful to've been at the right place yesterday to get touched by human song like that, who doesn't appreciate such gentle, synchronous reminders? its so damn easy to forget the simple things, like why we first started singing to each other in the first place...
as a person at ease with ideas and abstractions but less fluidly graceful with emotions, its like swimming without knowing how... you feel overwhelmed and inclined to struggle until you decide to have faith and float. the teacher had invited a guitarist who was noodling quietly in the background until the very last pose when he broke out into cohen's hallelujah... i don't believe in angels, but, for me, it was like an angel had come into the room through this young boy's voice. i instantly unraveled, not out of sadness, no. i was moved to tears by the sheer power of the singing voice, the way it reaches inside people to touch them in a way other medias can't.
there's little need for me to point out the obvious, that contemporary music has so very much lost touch with this fact but moved headlong into the other extreme of mostly pointless escapism, adding its bit to a new social norm that prefers to see us cynical except for our thrill to consume, hard-hearted except for our own wants and wishes, and immune to responsiveness except those that keep us lubricated cogs in the machine.
i feel so grateful to've been at the right place yesterday to get touched by human song like that, who doesn't appreciate such gentle, synchronous reminders? its so damn easy to forget the simple things, like why we first started singing to each other in the first place...
insincerity kills...
in keeping with the symbolic overlay of this cancer, which appeared to be harmless but in fact is hiding an adversarial, deadly core, i've started clearing house in terms of my social relationships. people who have consistently behaved in a two-faced, hypocritical, and undermining manner; people who misrepresent themselves for the purpose of game-playing or mischief; people who could be relied upon to twist accounts to suit their narrative outlook in order to feed their love of slanderous gossip, this primitive practice the only one capable of sating their need to feel superior and in control while hiding the truth of their own duplicitous, poisoned behaviour; people, particularly those who aspire to artist status, who choose not to do the work of reflecting on their evident insecurity, competitiveness and resentments of other creatives; people who abhor intelligent women and prefer them to either keep silent or speak only in dulcet, approbating terms; people i have tolerated for the sake of some social obligation or for the sake of not making waves... day by day, one by one, i've been making the necessary adjustments...
i have no animosity towards these people, in fact i see very plain how they're controlled by their own pains and inner conflicts and i recognize they're just doing the best they can, but such an understanding is no longer grounds for me to force myself into an exposure to their unrecognized capacity to do harm, to emit negative energy, and sometimes, to do downright reprehensible things to people they feel threatened by. the conflicted feelings that forced interaction with such types produces certainly takes a toll, and right now more than ever i feel a need to say no, nevermore. i'd rather make space for fresh energy and new faces.
the marvelous thing about this whole process is that by merely stating for the first time in neutral, unprovocative terms, the truth of my experience and the warp and woof of my new needs, toxic folk do the rest for me.... pulling aside the curtain on my previously accommodating and ultimately insincere behaviour (having been unwilling in the moment to call out people when they've been snarky, sarcastic, saying one thing and emoting another, or being downright cruel) so as to newly come forward with an easy self-respect and calm governance was enough to set them off, and like infected boils, they burst forth with the foul pus that my instinct had told me all along they were leading with but withholding from view.
each time i adjust my reality to reflect the new orientation and conditions i wish to live by, i'm rewarded with a return of energy and a tremendous sense of relief and freedom. yes, i used to think it was a virtue to keep my tongue and be accommodating, wanting to refuse no one nor dare speak my truth in front of the wrong audience. this was a toxic policy in and of itself and the dissonant feelings i was masking were just as perceptible to my antagonists as theirs was to me, which leads to all sorts of complications and unnecessary drama. i can't emphasize enough the delight one can experience, rather than the grief, of bringing these conflicts out from under the table into the open where decisions can be made. some friendships, i've discovered, thrive in the outing... they become more robust for the opportunity to clear the air and eagerly embrace new agreements and understandings for the benefit of both of us, but the one's that were supported for the wrong reasons and of no benefit to anyone who seeks self-development versus self-deceit, they turn to dust and are easily and fortuitously blown away.
i have no animosity towards these people, in fact i see very plain how they're controlled by their own pains and inner conflicts and i recognize they're just doing the best they can, but such an understanding is no longer grounds for me to force myself into an exposure to their unrecognized capacity to do harm, to emit negative energy, and sometimes, to do downright reprehensible things to people they feel threatened by. the conflicted feelings that forced interaction with such types produces certainly takes a toll, and right now more than ever i feel a need to say no, nevermore. i'd rather make space for fresh energy and new faces.
the marvelous thing about this whole process is that by merely stating for the first time in neutral, unprovocative terms, the truth of my experience and the warp and woof of my new needs, toxic folk do the rest for me.... pulling aside the curtain on my previously accommodating and ultimately insincere behaviour (having been unwilling in the moment to call out people when they've been snarky, sarcastic, saying one thing and emoting another, or being downright cruel) so as to newly come forward with an easy self-respect and calm governance was enough to set them off, and like infected boils, they burst forth with the foul pus that my instinct had told me all along they were leading with but withholding from view.
each time i adjust my reality to reflect the new orientation and conditions i wish to live by, i'm rewarded with a return of energy and a tremendous sense of relief and freedom. yes, i used to think it was a virtue to keep my tongue and be accommodating, wanting to refuse no one nor dare speak my truth in front of the wrong audience. this was a toxic policy in and of itself and the dissonant feelings i was masking were just as perceptible to my antagonists as theirs was to me, which leads to all sorts of complications and unnecessary drama. i can't emphasize enough the delight one can experience, rather than the grief, of bringing these conflicts out from under the table into the open where decisions can be made. some friendships, i've discovered, thrive in the outing... they become more robust for the opportunity to clear the air and eagerly embrace new agreements and understandings for the benefit of both of us, but the one's that were supported for the wrong reasons and of no benefit to anyone who seeks self-development versus self-deceit, they turn to dust and are easily and fortuitously blown away.
Friday, June 7, 2013
British Medical Journal, the prestigious allopathic publication in a shocking editorial has admitted, "Unfortunately in the balance between benefits and risks, it is an uncomfortable truth that MOST DRUGS DO NOT WORK IN MOST PATIENTS," and that "Regulators need to recognize that failure is the norm...."
Thursday, June 6, 2013
in off topic news...
i must say, toronto politics has become one long embarrassment, a perfect opportunity to form an alternative council of the best and brightest unelectable visionaries ready to propose real solutions and guiding principles, coordinating with willing and able communities to independently implement them, and just boldly take the city we love back from the hands of incompetent power-whores...
never be afraid to consider the opposite view...
"Cancer solves problems that the psyche couldn't figure out how to solve. If we can appreciate the wisdom in that, it's actually a gift." [from Cancer is Curable NOW]
.
.
.
i got my phone call from the oncology department at princess margaret hospital on tuesday afternoon, coincidentally just before i was scheduled to see my GP again at his invitation, just so he could ask me questions about how i was doing emotionally with the diagnosis and if i had any questions. the hospital advised that they needed me to get a couple reports and a burned CD with the original ultrasound on it to them as soon as i could... i wasn't insensitive to the fluid convenience of the timing as the clerk emphasized the importance of moving on all this quickly.
at the GPs office i noticed how both he and the various departmental lab assistants who generated the hard copies of the reports i needed all had the same response to my mood and comportment. perhaps they're used to women in various states of devastation at the news they have cancer because they all seemed temporarily befuddled by my upbeat, sunny disposition, especially when i thanked them and smiled on leaving. while it's likely my behaviour will be attributed to a denial of a kind, it gave me a sense of rightness in my place and groove of life to be genuinely modeling this kind of attitude towards my circumstances. as i have seen elsewhere, the net effect of introducing a novelty into a system is that the energy of your novelty breaks up existing patters like intersecting ripples on a pond, magically making space and opportunity for others to inhabit the same frequency of resonance.
when i spoke to the clerk at the hospital the day before i was very struck by her pushiness... i wasn't trying to make small talk or introduce any glitch of irrelevancies into the discussion, i used to be a film coordinator after all and understand how pressed professionals are when tackling the mound of work they face on their desks on any given day, and i also understand the typically clingy and needy aura that surrounds the classic cancer patient and so did grasp the need felt by these workers to keep to a very curt and laser-focused comportment... so when i say 'struck by her pushiness,' it was the languaging that i noticed... the 'we will decide what to do,' and the frequent references to what they were 'going to do to me...'
this got me into a reactionary headspace, all the more determined to stick to my most maverick impulses. i considered all day long wednesday the stress i would experience once engaged in the hospital system with its very negative attitudes toward holistic medicine and the few troublesome patients who concurrently pursue this path, not to mention all the energy i would need expend on deflecting the pressure i would be under to conform to their timetables and their assessment of what needs to be 'done' to me.
after i collected my materials i reneged on taking them directly to the hospital as i had been asked to. i've been feeling so much better each day that passes, doing the things i'm doing, and have seen the inflammation in the breast reduce and the tumour continue to slowly lend an impression to me that it _is_ changing for the better, that my knee-jerk response was to give myself more time to do my own work. i've had a huge change in my pain level as i now feel hardly any shooting pains or twinges, not in the breast or anywhere else in the body. my two breasts are getting tender in the usual way as they do just before my period, but that's all. since i started eating again and modified my yoga schedule (gone for now are the days of doing 90minute or back to back classes, i now stick to just one hour ones) i've been reaping the benefits of keeping more than active, getting the right nutrition and attacking the cancer naturally.
but then i let myself look at this situation from the opposite angle, which, truly, i love to do.
could it be that my desire to avoid involving myself with the hospital has more to do with pride than sense? have i become distracted by a desire to 'prove' the wisdom of my methods to the exclusion of what might be best or profits me most overall? was my reluctance to put myself in an arena where i would have to interact with authority figures fueled more by past experiences of selling myself out and capitulating to pressure and so an aversion of facing (and solving) yet again this dilemma?
so i decided to go ahead and bring the paperwork in today. i'm very clear in myself that i will not submit under any circumstances to a mamogram. i asked my GP why a biopsy would be necessary since we already have a cytology report that clearly shows mammary carcinoma. he indicated that the hospital likes to have its own tissue samples as it doesn't trust outside labs. i'm on the fence about that as on the one hand it sounds like blatant and opportunistic billing practices, but on the other, i can see the value of having a retest to confirm the results and more comprehensive information at play from a tissue sample as opposed to a blood sample. i am of course completely keen to get the body scan which will tell us conclusively if the cancer is confined to the breast. my GP also suggested they might want me to give up some lymph tissue for sampling, but i can't see why this would be necessary if my lymph, when palpated, isn't showing signs of invasion.
while i'm really not looking forward to being a difficult patient or being pressured to do things the hospital's way, at its convenience and according to the dictates of a clearly misguided view of cancer and its treatment, i can see that embracing and leaning into it all instead of running away will have untold and immense benefits for me. if, for the first time in my life, i can be truly brave, responsive, and resolute in the flesh as opposed to just on paper, i will have really turned a corner. i also have to keep reminding myself that its me who has all the choice here. no one can make me do anything i don't want to do, and i can always insist on seeing a different oncologist if i find myself in a no-gain situation with the first one i'm assigned to.
all that said, i'm very mindful of the fact that anticipating problems often brings them forward, whereas approaching experience with a blank emptiness of presence unburdened by expectations, confident in the ability to respond as necessary to the moment using the simple rule to breathe, take my time, and even ask to think things over when i need to, is all i need to do. nothing more. in fact, i've decided to, if anything, expect (as is the real truth anyway) that i will encounter all the right people that i need to meet right now, whether challengers or allies. there is no need for defensiveness nor anxiety.
i've got a long history of trying to use the written word to do my living and interacting for me. now its time to put an end of this particular form of adaptive passive aggression and step up to the challenge to get more involved in life's grand theater of operations...
* i couldn't help but note that the tumour is positioned at 8 o'clock. i think from this moment forward i must do only good and exciting things at that hour... : )
.
.
.
i got my phone call from the oncology department at princess margaret hospital on tuesday afternoon, coincidentally just before i was scheduled to see my GP again at his invitation, just so he could ask me questions about how i was doing emotionally with the diagnosis and if i had any questions. the hospital advised that they needed me to get a couple reports and a burned CD with the original ultrasound on it to them as soon as i could... i wasn't insensitive to the fluid convenience of the timing as the clerk emphasized the importance of moving on all this quickly.
at the GPs office i noticed how both he and the various departmental lab assistants who generated the hard copies of the reports i needed all had the same response to my mood and comportment. perhaps they're used to women in various states of devastation at the news they have cancer because they all seemed temporarily befuddled by my upbeat, sunny disposition, especially when i thanked them and smiled on leaving. while it's likely my behaviour will be attributed to a denial of a kind, it gave me a sense of rightness in my place and groove of life to be genuinely modeling this kind of attitude towards my circumstances. as i have seen elsewhere, the net effect of introducing a novelty into a system is that the energy of your novelty breaks up existing patters like intersecting ripples on a pond, magically making space and opportunity for others to inhabit the same frequency of resonance.
when i spoke to the clerk at the hospital the day before i was very struck by her pushiness... i wasn't trying to make small talk or introduce any glitch of irrelevancies into the discussion, i used to be a film coordinator after all and understand how pressed professionals are when tackling the mound of work they face on their desks on any given day, and i also understand the typically clingy and needy aura that surrounds the classic cancer patient and so did grasp the need felt by these workers to keep to a very curt and laser-focused comportment... so when i say 'struck by her pushiness,' it was the languaging that i noticed... the 'we will decide what to do,' and the frequent references to what they were 'going to do to me...'
this got me into a reactionary headspace, all the more determined to stick to my most maverick impulses. i considered all day long wednesday the stress i would experience once engaged in the hospital system with its very negative attitudes toward holistic medicine and the few troublesome patients who concurrently pursue this path, not to mention all the energy i would need expend on deflecting the pressure i would be under to conform to their timetables and their assessment of what needs to be 'done' to me.
after i collected my materials i reneged on taking them directly to the hospital as i had been asked to. i've been feeling so much better each day that passes, doing the things i'm doing, and have seen the inflammation in the breast reduce and the tumour continue to slowly lend an impression to me that it _is_ changing for the better, that my knee-jerk response was to give myself more time to do my own work. i've had a huge change in my pain level as i now feel hardly any shooting pains or twinges, not in the breast or anywhere else in the body. my two breasts are getting tender in the usual way as they do just before my period, but that's all. since i started eating again and modified my yoga schedule (gone for now are the days of doing 90minute or back to back classes, i now stick to just one hour ones) i've been reaping the benefits of keeping more than active, getting the right nutrition and attacking the cancer naturally.
but then i let myself look at this situation from the opposite angle, which, truly, i love to do.
could it be that my desire to avoid involving myself with the hospital has more to do with pride than sense? have i become distracted by a desire to 'prove' the wisdom of my methods to the exclusion of what might be best or profits me most overall? was my reluctance to put myself in an arena where i would have to interact with authority figures fueled more by past experiences of selling myself out and capitulating to pressure and so an aversion of facing (and solving) yet again this dilemma?
so i decided to go ahead and bring the paperwork in today. i'm very clear in myself that i will not submit under any circumstances to a mamogram. i asked my GP why a biopsy would be necessary since we already have a cytology report that clearly shows mammary carcinoma. he indicated that the hospital likes to have its own tissue samples as it doesn't trust outside labs. i'm on the fence about that as on the one hand it sounds like blatant and opportunistic billing practices, but on the other, i can see the value of having a retest to confirm the results and more comprehensive information at play from a tissue sample as opposed to a blood sample. i am of course completely keen to get the body scan which will tell us conclusively if the cancer is confined to the breast. my GP also suggested they might want me to give up some lymph tissue for sampling, but i can't see why this would be necessary if my lymph, when palpated, isn't showing signs of invasion.
while i'm really not looking forward to being a difficult patient or being pressured to do things the hospital's way, at its convenience and according to the dictates of a clearly misguided view of cancer and its treatment, i can see that embracing and leaning into it all instead of running away will have untold and immense benefits for me. if, for the first time in my life, i can be truly brave, responsive, and resolute in the flesh as opposed to just on paper, i will have really turned a corner. i also have to keep reminding myself that its me who has all the choice here. no one can make me do anything i don't want to do, and i can always insist on seeing a different oncologist if i find myself in a no-gain situation with the first one i'm assigned to.
all that said, i'm very mindful of the fact that anticipating problems often brings them forward, whereas approaching experience with a blank emptiness of presence unburdened by expectations, confident in the ability to respond as necessary to the moment using the simple rule to breathe, take my time, and even ask to think things over when i need to, is all i need to do. nothing more. in fact, i've decided to, if anything, expect (as is the real truth anyway) that i will encounter all the right people that i need to meet right now, whether challengers or allies. there is no need for defensiveness nor anxiety.
i've got a long history of trying to use the written word to do my living and interacting for me. now its time to put an end of this particular form of adaptive passive aggression and step up to the challenge to get more involved in life's grand theater of operations...
* i couldn't help but note that the tumour is positioned at 8 o'clock. i think from this moment forward i must do only good and exciting things at that hour... : )
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
dr. hulda clark's cure for advanced cancers...
the little nom nom in my body made more room for itself overnight, so in addition to starving it with a raw green diet, drinking H202 water (all disease needs the absence of oxygen and H202 delivers oxygen to the body), and hot yoga, i'm stepping up my game by starting dr. hulda clark's 21 day cancer curing program as detailed in her cure for advanced cancers.
the first day is pretty intense but as i'm telling myself right now, anything is better than chemo and radiation. i will be taking it easy today knowing that no matter how queasy or yucky i feel, my little adversary will be feeling much much worse. i've already extended my courtesies to it for the opportunity of engagement its gifted me, but now its time to adopt an uncompromising stance of warriorship. this isn't like a bug i can afford to be loath to squish, and though i don't view my body as an enemy, its time to cut to the chase here.
there is no way to couch this anymore save to say, this is war, a war for my life, and i need to attack hard, fast and swift and fight fight fight!
otherwise, cancer schmancer, i'm feeling good. really.... !
the first day is pretty intense but as i'm telling myself right now, anything is better than chemo and radiation. i will be taking it easy today knowing that no matter how queasy or yucky i feel, my little adversary will be feeling much much worse. i've already extended my courtesies to it for the opportunity of engagement its gifted me, but now its time to adopt an uncompromising stance of warriorship. this isn't like a bug i can afford to be loath to squish, and though i don't view my body as an enemy, its time to cut to the chase here.
there is no way to couch this anymore save to say, this is war, a war for my life, and i need to attack hard, fast and swift and fight fight fight!
otherwise, cancer schmancer, i'm feeling good. really.... !
“Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.”
[Dr. Seuss]
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.”
[Dr. Seuss]
Monday, June 3, 2013
i'm so friggen fracking funny....
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses." [Abraham Lincoln]
.
.
.
there was no denying that my breast was more stiff and swollen and the mass inside it noticeably getting larger as the day went on today. i'm not being paranoid, quite the opposite, i'm looking for and expecting a reduction, so this finding was not to my liking and most reluctantly admitted.
my radar was sending me warning signs about my conviction that juice fasting was the way to go for two principle reasons.... one, it really made me instantly weaker in a way i never felt before while juice fasting and i feel super strongly i can't afford to feel weak. two, i don't believe there's much benefit in juicing conventional vegetables because the chemicals employed to make them more convenient for agriculture, manage their growth and 'protect' them from pests doesn't just sit on the surface. you can't just peel them off or rinse them away. they affect the very cellular structure of the plant right down to its inherent vitalism. this got started a conversation about logistics. all the cancer books insist as i would that when juicing, organic produce is a must. but the truth is, as usual i have no money and we can't afford it. this led not to boohooing but to a constructive compromise and a fabulous revelation.
while we can't afford the bulk amount of organic produce for thrice daily juicing, we _can_ afford to keep me in organic vegetables for eating. i've come round to see this as a blessing in disguise as i almost keeled over in hot yoga today after just two days juicing. my blood pressure took a nose dive, i started to black out and my hearing cut out too. i spent nearly twenty minutes on my knees getting my wits back. more than anything i know i need to remain active, plus it stands to reason my body needs fuel to carry out the little transactions that will eat up those anarchic cells. breuss, by the way, has had great success healing cancer patients with his 42 day juice fast, there's no denying it, but his formula uses beet root and carrot and potato juice which are verboten for me since i will be on the candida-diet the rest of my life. there has to be more than one road to rome. surely if i'm eating the same foods i would be juicing and following the ketogenic guidelines as well (starving cancer of its glucose requirements by eliminating carbs and letting the healthy cells switch to fat for fuel) i should have good results just the same.
but here comes the pièce de résistance! armin was kind enough to do some research as well this morning and came across information on malonic acid, something i was totally ignorant of. hulda clark, in her book 'the cure for all cancers,' says this...
i've been bemused by my odd craving of late to eat a raw whole red onion with every meal, usually with sheets of nori seaweed as a chaser. guess what? red onions and nori seaweed top the list of foods high in malonic acid! my cravings were the cancer talking, wanting to feed itself on foods that hamper my body's ability to fight back! just like with the cover of a cystic appearance that made it seem at first so innocuous, those nafty cancer cells had me convinced i was doing my body good, eating all those onions, given that they're so rich in sulfur, flavonoids and polyphenols. this whole thing is quickly becoming about the deceptive appearance of things and having to dig much deeper than i ever thought necessary to get to the truth of things! the theme here is of being duped, of thinking something isn't harmful when it is, of thinking something's good for me when its not.
what's more, the trend of silver linings continues because luckily for me i can eat white, green or yellow onions as these have none of this troublesome malonic acid, only the red ones do. i can't tell you how relieved i am because for some reason i love raw onion and would hate to look forward to a life without them.
anyway, i'm SO much happier now that i can be a little bunny, eat salad all day long and keep to my yoga practice without making a spectacle of myself! now that i have the list of malonic-acid veggies to avoid i'll give the clark book a more thorough going over. she recommends doing a concurrent parasite cleanse with black walnut, clove and wormwood which i was doing a few months ago, so i'll return to that as well.
i admit its confusing to sort through all this often conflicting information, but i love it actually. its like being a detective and an experimental scientist rolled into one. when you're open to venturing and to spotting your mistakes, life guides you closer to the truth with a little help from providence... and when you remain a curious and eager student, knowledge keeps coming your way exactly as you need it so long as you don't get complacent or give up questioning everything. and one thing about me, i never give up.
.
.
.
there was no denying that my breast was more stiff and swollen and the mass inside it noticeably getting larger as the day went on today. i'm not being paranoid, quite the opposite, i'm looking for and expecting a reduction, so this finding was not to my liking and most reluctantly admitted.
my radar was sending me warning signs about my conviction that juice fasting was the way to go for two principle reasons.... one, it really made me instantly weaker in a way i never felt before while juice fasting and i feel super strongly i can't afford to feel weak. two, i don't believe there's much benefit in juicing conventional vegetables because the chemicals employed to make them more convenient for agriculture, manage their growth and 'protect' them from pests doesn't just sit on the surface. you can't just peel them off or rinse them away. they affect the very cellular structure of the plant right down to its inherent vitalism. this got started a conversation about logistics. all the cancer books insist as i would that when juicing, organic produce is a must. but the truth is, as usual i have no money and we can't afford it. this led not to boohooing but to a constructive compromise and a fabulous revelation.
while we can't afford the bulk amount of organic produce for thrice daily juicing, we _can_ afford to keep me in organic vegetables for eating. i've come round to see this as a blessing in disguise as i almost keeled over in hot yoga today after just two days juicing. my blood pressure took a nose dive, i started to black out and my hearing cut out too. i spent nearly twenty minutes on my knees getting my wits back. more than anything i know i need to remain active, plus it stands to reason my body needs fuel to carry out the little transactions that will eat up those anarchic cells. breuss, by the way, has had great success healing cancer patients with his 42 day juice fast, there's no denying it, but his formula uses beet root and carrot and potato juice which are verboten for me since i will be on the candida-diet the rest of my life. there has to be more than one road to rome. surely if i'm eating the same foods i would be juicing and following the ketogenic guidelines as well (starving cancer of its glucose requirements by eliminating carbs and letting the healthy cells switch to fat for fuel) i should have good results just the same.
but here comes the pièce de résistance! armin was kind enough to do some research as well this morning and came across information on malonic acid, something i was totally ignorant of. hulda clark, in her book 'the cure for all cancers,' says this...
"Malonic acid is not natural for humans; nothing in the scientific literature indicates that it is a metabolite. It _is_ natural for plants. Certain plants, about 24 families of them, make malonic acid as a step in making their oil. But _animals_ only make malonyl Coenzyme A (a relative of malonic acid). There is never any free malonic acid in healthy animals.
There is a very important reason for never having free malonic acid in our bodies anywhere. Malonic acid is an extremely potent metabolic inhibitor. In whatever organ it is found, your metabolism is slowed down. In fact, it almost grinds to a halt. Then this organ can't use as much oxygen, nor make as much energy (body energy is called ATP) as it should. Consequently we make fewer amino acids and can't make as much protein as we should. This leads to lower immunity by reducing glutathione. The organ is extremely handicapped. There is even a direct effect of malonate on immunity.
Although the malonate forming food plants have other fine properties and are otherwise nutritious, the presence of malonate puts them off limits to anyone trying to cure cancer."
i've been bemused by my odd craving of late to eat a raw whole red onion with every meal, usually with sheets of nori seaweed as a chaser. guess what? red onions and nori seaweed top the list of foods high in malonic acid! my cravings were the cancer talking, wanting to feed itself on foods that hamper my body's ability to fight back! just like with the cover of a cystic appearance that made it seem at first so innocuous, those nafty cancer cells had me convinced i was doing my body good, eating all those onions, given that they're so rich in sulfur, flavonoids and polyphenols. this whole thing is quickly becoming about the deceptive appearance of things and having to dig much deeper than i ever thought necessary to get to the truth of things! the theme here is of being duped, of thinking something isn't harmful when it is, of thinking something's good for me when its not.
what's more, the trend of silver linings continues because luckily for me i can eat white, green or yellow onions as these have none of this troublesome malonic acid, only the red ones do. i can't tell you how relieved i am because for some reason i love raw onion and would hate to look forward to a life without them.
anyway, i'm SO much happier now that i can be a little bunny, eat salad all day long and keep to my yoga practice without making a spectacle of myself! now that i have the list of malonic-acid veggies to avoid i'll give the clark book a more thorough going over. she recommends doing a concurrent parasite cleanse with black walnut, clove and wormwood which i was doing a few months ago, so i'll return to that as well.
i admit its confusing to sort through all this often conflicting information, but i love it actually. its like being a detective and an experimental scientist rolled into one. when you're open to venturing and to spotting your mistakes, life guides you closer to the truth with a little help from providence... and when you remain a curious and eager student, knowledge keeps coming your way exactly as you need it so long as you don't get complacent or give up questioning everything. and one thing about me, i never give up.
ah whitecoats...
just got a phone call from my new family doctor's office. he wants to book the routine physical that i originally came to him for, the receptionist emphasizing that this was a non-urgent call. i went ahead and booked it notwithstanding my sense that the only reason he wants to do this unnecessary physical (i will be getting all sorts of tests, after all, once established with an oncologist) is to get another billing in before the possibility of my succumbing to this cancer (doctors have the ground experience of the mortality rates of those who follow their treatments, not those who don't). i decided to take him up on the offer anyway because it will be good for me to have a base-line reportage on my basic vital functions just as i'm starting this adventure since i expect to be in better health in six months, notwithstanding all this drama.
when i woke up this morning i had more pain and swelling in the breast than usual. i remember in the night turning over to sleep on the affected side and having the thought occur that this was unwise, but as i settled in i didn't feel any pain and so fell asleep in that position. this highlights for me the importance of maintaining adequate circulation around the area as now, a few hours after waking, i'm not in as much pain. i've also noticed in the last two days the advent of shifting pains in other areas of the body... areas rich in lymph nodes, the pelvis, the throat and neck. i think this is as much psychosomatic (the pains began once i got the diagnosis and not before) as symptomatic. there's no doubt my entire body is engaged in this and if anything its an invitation for me to focus my thoughts and imaginative powers to visualize able defenses and strengths at the ready to go to work on my behalf.
i decided yesterday not to do an absolute fast just yet... for the first time in weeks of daily practice i just couldn't see myself doing a class when the time for it came yesterday. i felt weak and light-headed and uncharacteristically not optimistic of enjoying a rigorous 75minute effort in the 102deg heat. so i've decided to keep to two juicings instead of three, and to have one simple small midday meal of raw greens (my compulsive favorite of the moment is a chopped up avocado dressed with lemon juice with a side of red onion cut into big chunks which i lightly tip-dip in sea salt... i've been eating a whole red onion with every meal for weeks now, can't get enough!).
i think this will not only help keep my digestive system going so that i'm eliminating well, but i really need to keep my energy up in order to be able to get out to hot yoga, which remains, to my mind, super critical and important. being able to sweat, strengthen and release tension is absolutely vital to my well being and mental outlook and i don't think anything positive will be served if i weaken myself so much that i can't get out to do this.
the only time i missed a class this past month was when i took my mother on a day trip to hawkley valley to see a holistic specialist. ironically, i sought his help with her treatment as she's been locked into a cycle of complaining of ill-health as a means to get attention without having any real illness to speak of. the people around her were content to keep taking her to MDs who enjoyed provoking her wrath by serving her with results that show her to be in perfect physical health which only entrenched her animosity and insistence that she was ill. i had great success when i stepped in to treat the totality of her symptoms (viewing the delusional behaviour not as a character flaw to be punished but as a symptom like any other... meaning, even if someone is 'lying' one must ask the question why, and what does it serve, and resist the temptation to nail them to a cross for their misrepresentations)... after a dose of homeopathic zincum metallicum she stopped driving people around her to distraction with her complaining and adopted a more open, optimistic view. i saw this as a great opportunity to take her to a very good holistic specialist i know (an N.D., D.Hom, D.C. among other modalities) understanding that the encounter alone, being listened to instead of repeatedly being challenged as a fraud and liar, paying for a consultation (which led her to value it more) and basking in his authority (she adores doctors of any kind, especially the ones that actually listen and give her the attention she craves), would prove of benefit, and it certainly has.
the irony that i can't afford the same kind of consultation myself is not lost on me, but its part of the drama between mother and i. there have been plenty of opportunities of late for me to look, overall, at the 'unfairness' and see these instead as work assignments provided by life so that i might do the real work of unravelling any lingering resentments. if i had permanently turned away from my mother and not attempted the work of forgiveness, i would never have the valuable provocations in the here and now to use to my advantage in resolving my deeply ingrained feelings about the past. also, being put back upon my own resources in dealing with this cancer doesn't feel like another unfairness. in fact, reframing everything that has happened and is happening to me so that i can view all these things as gifts and opportunities for the transformation of old griefs alongside the development of a robust self-reliance feels very much like the thing i'm here to do this lifetime, and if anything, i'm keen to get on with it.
when i woke up this morning i had more pain and swelling in the breast than usual. i remember in the night turning over to sleep on the affected side and having the thought occur that this was unwise, but as i settled in i didn't feel any pain and so fell asleep in that position. this highlights for me the importance of maintaining adequate circulation around the area as now, a few hours after waking, i'm not in as much pain. i've also noticed in the last two days the advent of shifting pains in other areas of the body... areas rich in lymph nodes, the pelvis, the throat and neck. i think this is as much psychosomatic (the pains began once i got the diagnosis and not before) as symptomatic. there's no doubt my entire body is engaged in this and if anything its an invitation for me to focus my thoughts and imaginative powers to visualize able defenses and strengths at the ready to go to work on my behalf.
i decided yesterday not to do an absolute fast just yet... for the first time in weeks of daily practice i just couldn't see myself doing a class when the time for it came yesterday. i felt weak and light-headed and uncharacteristically not optimistic of enjoying a rigorous 75minute effort in the 102deg heat. so i've decided to keep to two juicings instead of three, and to have one simple small midday meal of raw greens (my compulsive favorite of the moment is a chopped up avocado dressed with lemon juice with a side of red onion cut into big chunks which i lightly tip-dip in sea salt... i've been eating a whole red onion with every meal for weeks now, can't get enough!).
i think this will not only help keep my digestive system going so that i'm eliminating well, but i really need to keep my energy up in order to be able to get out to hot yoga, which remains, to my mind, super critical and important. being able to sweat, strengthen and release tension is absolutely vital to my well being and mental outlook and i don't think anything positive will be served if i weaken myself so much that i can't get out to do this.
the only time i missed a class this past month was when i took my mother on a day trip to hawkley valley to see a holistic specialist. ironically, i sought his help with her treatment as she's been locked into a cycle of complaining of ill-health as a means to get attention without having any real illness to speak of. the people around her were content to keep taking her to MDs who enjoyed provoking her wrath by serving her with results that show her to be in perfect physical health which only entrenched her animosity and insistence that she was ill. i had great success when i stepped in to treat the totality of her symptoms (viewing the delusional behaviour not as a character flaw to be punished but as a symptom like any other... meaning, even if someone is 'lying' one must ask the question why, and what does it serve, and resist the temptation to nail them to a cross for their misrepresentations)... after a dose of homeopathic zincum metallicum she stopped driving people around her to distraction with her complaining and adopted a more open, optimistic view. i saw this as a great opportunity to take her to a very good holistic specialist i know (an N.D., D.Hom, D.C. among other modalities) understanding that the encounter alone, being listened to instead of repeatedly being challenged as a fraud and liar, paying for a consultation (which led her to value it more) and basking in his authority (she adores doctors of any kind, especially the ones that actually listen and give her the attention she craves), would prove of benefit, and it certainly has.
the irony that i can't afford the same kind of consultation myself is not lost on me, but its part of the drama between mother and i. there have been plenty of opportunities of late for me to look, overall, at the 'unfairness' and see these instead as work assignments provided by life so that i might do the real work of unravelling any lingering resentments. if i had permanently turned away from my mother and not attempted the work of forgiveness, i would never have the valuable provocations in the here and now to use to my advantage in resolving my deeply ingrained feelings about the past. also, being put back upon my own resources in dealing with this cancer doesn't feel like another unfairness. in fact, reframing everything that has happened and is happening to me so that i can view all these things as gifts and opportunities for the transformation of old griefs alongside the development of a robust self-reliance feels very much like the thing i'm here to do this lifetime, and if anything, i'm keen to get on with it.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
chose your ways of looking...
i should mention that the tumour in my breast is not an early-stage one, but about the size of a tangerine, which makes it a later-stage, aggressive grower... as cancer cells multiply they do so exponentially which is why early diagnosis is such a mantra. still, i'm not concerned or afraid and i should explain why.
when i first consulted my doctor and we aspirated what presented as a cyst but delivered contrary results, i asked him if it were possible that there was a malignancy growing inside a shell of cystic activity. he told me that would be unlikely as such a thing is very rare (LOL i always knew i was a rare sort of girl...!). this led me to wonder why my body would shroud such a thing, giving it plenty of opportunity to grow to an alarming proportion. i already concluded my trajectory is hardly a negative one since my instinct woke me up months before with an overwhelming and irresistible injunction to stop my self-destructive habits and begin a radically different lifestyle. if i was being lined up to quickly succumb to cancer, as many do, why would my body give me that head start? why not catch me tragically unawares and locked into a poisonous lifestyle? my point of view towards life has always been heuristic and creative, in the sense that i endeavour to start from the silver-lining, not end there, as pessimism and negative thinking only beget their own fruit.
i believe there must be a good reason why the tumour was hiding under a cloak of cystic behaviour that wouldn't concern me. i believe my body wanted to produce a growth of a good size so that i can more easily chart its progress, experiencing more dramatically and tangibly just how this process of self-regulating and healing cancer thru diet and natural means really works.
i noticed yesterday that my liability of excessive response was the first thing to get sweetly tweaked. never being one for moderation i started chugging back large amounts of very strong chaga and pau d'arco tea and by the end of the day for the first time i felt a little poorly. my kidneys and liver, one can assume, are still under stress from my previous lifestyle choices and the demands of detoxification and healing and they certainly let me know that last night. the reaction was NOT severe, just some headache (which i never ordinarily get) and a queasy feeling that made me want to lie down. within the hour i was feeling better again and have modified my zealous attitude.
not sure exactly why, but i've always been the sort of person who would think, if one is good, ten will be fantastic! its one of my character flaws that has really resisted alteration. the remarkable thing about this 'crisis' is the high relief the self is cast into and the low resistance to change i'm enjoying. suddenly the notion of being gentle with myself has a whole new appeal and i feel neither anxiety nor impatience in treating this cancer in the same way. i don't view it as an enemy i'm doing battle with but as a wisdom formation that has arrived into my life to teach and guide me towards the changes i've always sought out but have found difficult manifesting.
when i woke up this morning i felt clear and good. i turned onto my back and took my breast into my hand and put the other hand on top where the big lump can be clearly felt. in my mind i talked to it for a bit in gratitude and love and couldn't help but notice that to my perceptions it feels reduced by a fraction, more consolidated and organized, while the breast overall is less inflamed-feeling. i notice when i drink my green juice or my tea, i have sharp pains in the mass, which to me are the signals that it has actively begun sacrificing itself for me, which is the pact i have made with it... i contend it has come into being to take me on this journey which can only end in its complete destruction and my rebirth. it has come to do this willingly so that my own living can begin in truth, engineering my salvation.
i should also report that my instincts are strongly telling me that i should aspire to declining surgery as well, especially if i can demonstrate that my methods are proving effective at reducing the tumour. again life is furnishing me with a bit of time to do this as my doctor relayed it would be about three days before the oncologist's office would be calling to book my appointment. in my file there is now the first ultrasound to reference. before any decision about surgery is made i will insist on another ultrasound (avoiding a mamogram if possible) so that i can compare before and after to see how i'm doing. if there's even the _slightest_ indication that i've reduced the tumour i will move to protect the integrity of my body and continue to use my own powers for inner scalpels, gently working their magic.
because of the largeness of the tumour there is, of course, the possibility that the cancer has already spread invisibly to other organs in which case i will have a few questions about how much help or hindrance surgery would present. i'm open to the possibility that it may be necessary, but overall i feel very strongly that my body is saluting me in the approach i'm taking and that it's rising to the occasion to do what it does best. my breast doesn't look to be suffering, there's no puckering or discolourations (save the lingering bruise from the aspiration) and there's absolutely no changes in the nipple or any discharge. given the size of the mass, if surgery was done right away it would be very disfiguring and would affect the structural integrity of the breast, that is if an outright mastectomy was not recommended.
so there are going to be some interesting decisions ahead. i have no problem visualizing myself as a one-breasted amazon, but i similarly have no problem seeing myself harnessing the powers of mind and body and universal healing wisdoms to perform the operation on myself, preserving the form that be me. i've always been ashamed of my breasts and body and i can't emphasize enough how this single experience has totally relieved me of this wounded sense of self that i've struggled with for so long.
i have always marveled how in life bad consequences can develop from well-intentioned acts just as great things can develop from tragedies. i definitely know how to file this experience already, no matter where it ultimately leads.
doing well, surfing the changes, in love and in light.
when i first consulted my doctor and we aspirated what presented as a cyst but delivered contrary results, i asked him if it were possible that there was a malignancy growing inside a shell of cystic activity. he told me that would be unlikely as such a thing is very rare (LOL i always knew i was a rare sort of girl...!). this led me to wonder why my body would shroud such a thing, giving it plenty of opportunity to grow to an alarming proportion. i already concluded my trajectory is hardly a negative one since my instinct woke me up months before with an overwhelming and irresistible injunction to stop my self-destructive habits and begin a radically different lifestyle. if i was being lined up to quickly succumb to cancer, as many do, why would my body give me that head start? why not catch me tragically unawares and locked into a poisonous lifestyle? my point of view towards life has always been heuristic and creative, in the sense that i endeavour to start from the silver-lining, not end there, as pessimism and negative thinking only beget their own fruit.
i believe there must be a good reason why the tumour was hiding under a cloak of cystic behaviour that wouldn't concern me. i believe my body wanted to produce a growth of a good size so that i can more easily chart its progress, experiencing more dramatically and tangibly just how this process of self-regulating and healing cancer thru diet and natural means really works.
i noticed yesterday that my liability of excessive response was the first thing to get sweetly tweaked. never being one for moderation i started chugging back large amounts of very strong chaga and pau d'arco tea and by the end of the day for the first time i felt a little poorly. my kidneys and liver, one can assume, are still under stress from my previous lifestyle choices and the demands of detoxification and healing and they certainly let me know that last night. the reaction was NOT severe, just some headache (which i never ordinarily get) and a queasy feeling that made me want to lie down. within the hour i was feeling better again and have modified my zealous attitude.
not sure exactly why, but i've always been the sort of person who would think, if one is good, ten will be fantastic! its one of my character flaws that has really resisted alteration. the remarkable thing about this 'crisis' is the high relief the self is cast into and the low resistance to change i'm enjoying. suddenly the notion of being gentle with myself has a whole new appeal and i feel neither anxiety nor impatience in treating this cancer in the same way. i don't view it as an enemy i'm doing battle with but as a wisdom formation that has arrived into my life to teach and guide me towards the changes i've always sought out but have found difficult manifesting.
when i woke up this morning i felt clear and good. i turned onto my back and took my breast into my hand and put the other hand on top where the big lump can be clearly felt. in my mind i talked to it for a bit in gratitude and love and couldn't help but notice that to my perceptions it feels reduced by a fraction, more consolidated and organized, while the breast overall is less inflamed-feeling. i notice when i drink my green juice or my tea, i have sharp pains in the mass, which to me are the signals that it has actively begun sacrificing itself for me, which is the pact i have made with it... i contend it has come into being to take me on this journey which can only end in its complete destruction and my rebirth. it has come to do this willingly so that my own living can begin in truth, engineering my salvation.
i should also report that my instincts are strongly telling me that i should aspire to declining surgery as well, especially if i can demonstrate that my methods are proving effective at reducing the tumour. again life is furnishing me with a bit of time to do this as my doctor relayed it would be about three days before the oncologist's office would be calling to book my appointment. in my file there is now the first ultrasound to reference. before any decision about surgery is made i will insist on another ultrasound (avoiding a mamogram if possible) so that i can compare before and after to see how i'm doing. if there's even the _slightest_ indication that i've reduced the tumour i will move to protect the integrity of my body and continue to use my own powers for inner scalpels, gently working their magic.
because of the largeness of the tumour there is, of course, the possibility that the cancer has already spread invisibly to other organs in which case i will have a few questions about how much help or hindrance surgery would present. i'm open to the possibility that it may be necessary, but overall i feel very strongly that my body is saluting me in the approach i'm taking and that it's rising to the occasion to do what it does best. my breast doesn't look to be suffering, there's no puckering or discolourations (save the lingering bruise from the aspiration) and there's absolutely no changes in the nipple or any discharge. given the size of the mass, if surgery was done right away it would be very disfiguring and would affect the structural integrity of the breast, that is if an outright mastectomy was not recommended.
so there are going to be some interesting decisions ahead. i have no problem visualizing myself as a one-breasted amazon, but i similarly have no problem seeing myself harnessing the powers of mind and body and universal healing wisdoms to perform the operation on myself, preserving the form that be me. i've always been ashamed of my breasts and body and i can't emphasize enough how this single experience has totally relieved me of this wounded sense of self that i've struggled with for so long.
i have always marveled how in life bad consequences can develop from well-intentioned acts just as great things can develop from tragedies. i definitely know how to file this experience already, no matter where it ultimately leads.
doing well, surfing the changes, in love and in light.
Friday, May 31, 2013
fasting begins tomorrow...
starting tomorrow i'll be following a green juice fast for a minimum 30 days, preferably 60 days if i can manage it, supplemented with my teas and three times daily hydrogen peroxide water in an increasing dosage until i get to 25 drops of 35% food grade H202 per glass.
i'm a huge fan of liposomal vitamin C but the cost has been prohibitive. only two days ago american osteopath dr. mercola of mercola.com came out with an affordable version of this technology so i've ordered some and will be keen to start taking it. i'll be continuing forward with a maca supplement so that i can have best chances to keep to my yoga practice even through the fasting. i consider it great fortune that i'll be able to fast during hot summer months.
i'm a huge fan of liposomal vitamin C but the cost has been prohibitive. only two days ago american osteopath dr. mercola of mercola.com came out with an affordable version of this technology so i've ordered some and will be keen to start taking it. i'll be continuing forward with a maca supplement so that i can have best chances to keep to my yoga practice even through the fasting. i consider it great fortune that i'll be able to fast during hot summer months.
eating the poison snake...
my doctor called me early this morning to confirm what i suspected, that i have a cancerous tumour surrounded by cystic structures, which explains why it presented so strongly as a cyst in the very beginning. i will be on a fast track to an oncologist at princess margaret hospital where arrangements will be made for a lumpectomy. i reported to my doctor that he should not be surprised to hear that i will refuse chemo and radiation. he said that often, particularly in cases where the cancer has not spread, or metastasized, to other parts of the body, a lumpectomy is often successful treatment on its own.
the wonder of all this is that, for someone with cancer, i'm doing very well, feeling good, and carrying forward with a strong positive attitude, even in the face of the inconvertibility of this diagnosis. part of me would like to avoid the lumpectomy and work with the mass in order to gauge the effectiveness of the ketogenic diet, but given the aggressive growth of tumour and the additional complexities involved once a cancer has spread to other organs, i think it will be a sufficient challenge to use the ketogenic diet and the other protocols to prevent the spread or recurrence of the 'disease...'
if the cancer has already invaded other organ systems, i will still have an opportunity to defy the odds with holistic methods as there is ample evidence, anecdotally and clinically, of people healing this condition with true hippocratic strategies even in even late and so-called 'hopeless' stages of the illness.
last night i dreamt that i had a few cats and one of them caught a small and thin black snake that looked almost to be made of crude oil tar. we knew it was poisonous. the cat, which reminded me of a runt cat i once made a home for called pushkin, pounced on the tiny snake and promptly ate it. the dreamer told me that it did this to protect the other cats. i nuzzled with it for a few seconds and could feel the poison pulsing through its nervous system. then it got up and walked away from me as cats do when its time for their passing.
i've been aware for some time now that the part of me that has been stunted and handicapped by my early life needs to be laid to rest so that i can start a new, more effective chapter. this presentation of cancer is a magical opportunity for me to do just that.
all medicine people go through an ordeal, a dark night of the soul, an encounter with death and risk. it ends up being the cornerstone experience that teaches us about human potential, sparks our regenerative powers and compassionate awareness of others. i embrace this cancer for the teaching and transformation it promises and feel newly committed to midwifing my talents, mind and ingenuity not only for my own benefit, but in order to make the contribution to culture and community that so satisfies our human instinct of connection and evolution.
AMOR FATI
the wonder of all this is that, for someone with cancer, i'm doing very well, feeling good, and carrying forward with a strong positive attitude, even in the face of the inconvertibility of this diagnosis. part of me would like to avoid the lumpectomy and work with the mass in order to gauge the effectiveness of the ketogenic diet, but given the aggressive growth of tumour and the additional complexities involved once a cancer has spread to other organs, i think it will be a sufficient challenge to use the ketogenic diet and the other protocols to prevent the spread or recurrence of the 'disease...'
if the cancer has already invaded other organ systems, i will still have an opportunity to defy the odds with holistic methods as there is ample evidence, anecdotally and clinically, of people healing this condition with true hippocratic strategies even in even late and so-called 'hopeless' stages of the illness.
last night i dreamt that i had a few cats and one of them caught a small and thin black snake that looked almost to be made of crude oil tar. we knew it was poisonous. the cat, which reminded me of a runt cat i once made a home for called pushkin, pounced on the tiny snake and promptly ate it. the dreamer told me that it did this to protect the other cats. i nuzzled with it for a few seconds and could feel the poison pulsing through its nervous system. then it got up and walked away from me as cats do when its time for their passing.
i've been aware for some time now that the part of me that has been stunted and handicapped by my early life needs to be laid to rest so that i can start a new, more effective chapter. this presentation of cancer is a magical opportunity for me to do just that.
all medicine people go through an ordeal, a dark night of the soul, an encounter with death and risk. it ends up being the cornerstone experience that teaches us about human potential, sparks our regenerative powers and compassionate awareness of others. i embrace this cancer for the teaching and transformation it promises and feel newly committed to midwifing my talents, mind and ingenuity not only for my own benefit, but in order to make the contribution to culture and community that so satisfies our human instinct of connection and evolution.
AMOR FATI
Thursday, May 30, 2013
a new journey begins...
a short time after i quit drinking alcohol, coffee, and smoking pot, alongside some radical dietary changes and the protocols of a long-term candida cleanse, i discovered a sizeable lump in my right breast. it behaved and palpated like a cyst and seemed a predictable healing reaction to the sudden changes. perhaps, too, a reflection of the load my liver was carrying in metabolizing the detox, throwing my hormones out of alignment, producing a fibrocystic breast. when i saw a medical doctor a month later for a routine physical and mentioned the cyst, he examined me and concurred that in every way it felt and presented like a cyst and offered to aspirate it for me. i thought this was a good choice since the aspirant could be immediately analyzed. a normal cyst would present a clear, serous fluid that wouldn't even need be sent to the lab. blood, on the other hand, would warrant further investigation.
while the doctor prepared the syringe for me, i mentioned a dream from over ten years ago, that depicted a mass in this same location. in the dream a felt a deep need to manually express the contents and all this old blood and pus came out. i didn't elaborate on the rich psychological associations this dream brings up that are especially germaine to me at the moment, i just left it as a curiosity. he inserted the syringe and began to aspirate the mass. i couldn't see the syringe myself but i did note that he moved his insertion point a few times as if not getting into the lumen he imagined was there. he abruptly ended his efforts and showed me the vial which was a quarter full of blood. he explained that this could just be a result of a highly nodular cyst, that he might have been repeatedly hitting the structure of it, but i could tell he was somewhat shaken, either by the synchrony of my dream or the reversal of his clinical expectations.
we scheduled an ultrasound but not a mamogram, as an ultrasound will be able to tell us conclusively whether it is a cyst or not. the results of the procedure, which i underwent yesterday, will be known in full next week. at minimum, i know from the sonographer that its definitely not a simple cyst, but in fact a complex mass with its own vascular supply.
in this period of preemptive mastectomies and killer chemo and radiation protocols, i feel i've been gifted by my body with a wonderful opportunity. on the one had, it's having a conversation with me about the deeper issues in my life that need attention and transformation. on the other, i've been blessed with a keen intuition that started me on the path of healing before the mass in my breast presented itself. frankly, i'm excited to use my own situation as a living laboratory where i can apply the holistic insight and commitment to natural medicines that means so much to me.
until next week when i will receive more information i've adjusted my diet to a strict ketogenic one which emphasizes greens and organic proteins alongside green juicing and a rigorous practice of hot yoga. i'm hydrating with liters of pau d'arco and chaga tea, taking maca to normalize my hormones and keep my energy and stamina up, and supplementing my vitamin C and D, but otherwise keeping things pretty simple. the ketogenic diet with soon start to deprive the cell mass of its glucose needs and unlike healthy cells which can switch to fat supplies for sustenance, apoptosis will dominate and i expect the mass to slowly reduce in size.
as finances are an issue, not only for me but for so many people, i won't have recourse to other practitioners and so will have to develop a strong self-reliance and an ability to be resourceful and positive with the tools i have. luckily, since i quit drinking a few months ago i've been feeling healthier and stronger than ever. this foundation will serve me well in the coming months as i embrace this opportunity to heal this unitary bodymind i currently call home... as i have always felt, the physical organism that we are is not an enemy who attacks us unexpectedly... it's a creative, constructive phenomenon which, when worked _with_ instead of worked _against_, presents unlimited potential for evolution and transformation.
since sharing and narrating is an important part of the healing process, i'll be journalling my experiences and how i'm managing my care on this blog...
while the doctor prepared the syringe for me, i mentioned a dream from over ten years ago, that depicted a mass in this same location. in the dream a felt a deep need to manually express the contents and all this old blood and pus came out. i didn't elaborate on the rich psychological associations this dream brings up that are especially germaine to me at the moment, i just left it as a curiosity. he inserted the syringe and began to aspirate the mass. i couldn't see the syringe myself but i did note that he moved his insertion point a few times as if not getting into the lumen he imagined was there. he abruptly ended his efforts and showed me the vial which was a quarter full of blood. he explained that this could just be a result of a highly nodular cyst, that he might have been repeatedly hitting the structure of it, but i could tell he was somewhat shaken, either by the synchrony of my dream or the reversal of his clinical expectations.
we scheduled an ultrasound but not a mamogram, as an ultrasound will be able to tell us conclusively whether it is a cyst or not. the results of the procedure, which i underwent yesterday, will be known in full next week. at minimum, i know from the sonographer that its definitely not a simple cyst, but in fact a complex mass with its own vascular supply.
in this period of preemptive mastectomies and killer chemo and radiation protocols, i feel i've been gifted by my body with a wonderful opportunity. on the one had, it's having a conversation with me about the deeper issues in my life that need attention and transformation. on the other, i've been blessed with a keen intuition that started me on the path of healing before the mass in my breast presented itself. frankly, i'm excited to use my own situation as a living laboratory where i can apply the holistic insight and commitment to natural medicines that means so much to me.
until next week when i will receive more information i've adjusted my diet to a strict ketogenic one which emphasizes greens and organic proteins alongside green juicing and a rigorous practice of hot yoga. i'm hydrating with liters of pau d'arco and chaga tea, taking maca to normalize my hormones and keep my energy and stamina up, and supplementing my vitamin C and D, but otherwise keeping things pretty simple. the ketogenic diet with soon start to deprive the cell mass of its glucose needs and unlike healthy cells which can switch to fat supplies for sustenance, apoptosis will dominate and i expect the mass to slowly reduce in size.
as finances are an issue, not only for me but for so many people, i won't have recourse to other practitioners and so will have to develop a strong self-reliance and an ability to be resourceful and positive with the tools i have. luckily, since i quit drinking a few months ago i've been feeling healthier and stronger than ever. this foundation will serve me well in the coming months as i embrace this opportunity to heal this unitary bodymind i currently call home... as i have always felt, the physical organism that we are is not an enemy who attacks us unexpectedly... it's a creative, constructive phenomenon which, when worked _with_ instead of worked _against_, presents unlimited potential for evolution and transformation.
since sharing and narrating is an important part of the healing process, i'll be journalling my experiences and how i'm managing my care on this blog...
Monday, May 13, 2013
at last! absolutely clear and compelling evidence that cancer relies on glucose fermentation for its invasive proliferations and that this can be managed and reversed by exploiting the ability of healthy cells to use the ketone cycle instead of the glucose cycle... by simple calorie reduction, eliminating carbohydrates and emphasizing healthy fats, proteins and greens alongside non-toxic drugs which support the dominance of ketone, cancer can be cured without recourse to treatments that are worse than the disease, pollute the environment and kill millions...
Sunday, May 5, 2013
"The new approach to health care will feature the healing power of story. In the clear understanding that finding meaning in any life passage may be at the heart of healing, our healers will help people use the power of dreaming to move beyond personal history into a bigger story that contains the juice and sense of purpose to get them through." [Robert Moss, The Secret History of Dreaming]
"If our society were serious about cutting the costs of medical care, dreamwork would be taught and practiced in every school, community center, and clinic. Dreams supply nightly health reports that are as precise and objective, when accurately recorded, as any X ray or EEG and may be far more timely, since they reveal problems that could result in physical illness before we develop physical complaints." [Robert Moss, Conscious Dreaming]
"If our society were serious about cutting the costs of medical care, dreamwork would be taught and practiced in every school, community center, and clinic. Dreams supply nightly health reports that are as precise and objective, when accurately recorded, as any X ray or EEG and may be far more timely, since they reveal problems that could result in physical illness before we develop physical complaints." [Robert Moss, Conscious Dreaming]
Thursday, May 2, 2013
a vision for canada... how to address the legacy of the harpoon government
on the one hand i think we have to accept the value of transitional measures, to understand that while we work to reconstitute civic participation and the values that define this country at the level of law and idea, we'll have to venture and discard, venture and discard, while we work to dismantle the power duology of corporatism, installing in its place social and cultural systems that honour our resources, educate the willing, and enable local address of community issues...
on the other hand, we also need to recognize the power of en masse walkouts... opting out of the majorly shit way things have been constellated and instead just getting on with creating our own solutions to the rampant abuses, the crimes against the vulnerable and the environment, our enslavement to ways of life that keep us disempowered and ignorant, not to mention our distinctly unhealthy and out of balance ideologies of consumption and short-term, greedy willfulness...
we also have to bite off that we can't put power into the hands of a population that has been conditioned by a poisoned society/leadership to think the world doesn't need to change, that we can carry forward with this way of life and even benefit from it. we need our visionaries in their many domains and specializations to have the courage to start the conversation the average person is too cowed and bewildered to even contemplate.
in this way, the issue would become the exchange and debate of meritorious ideas, the best and most comprehensive of which coming to be widely disseminated, rather than being beholden to people in power, begging them to change our world for us. this can be done one neighbourhood at a time. in fact its extremely important to make our search for a better life function at the local level in a super spontaneous way, as the solutions that will spark sustainable goodness and prosperity in red deer will be radically different than those which might revitalize st. john's...
with the immediacy of networking technology at our disposals, one can dream of a day when this idea of turning our backs in mass coordination, shunning the old ways, one locale at a time, will spread like wild fire until the entire country has finally taken control back, leading instead with the abundant ingenuity and problem-solving skills of a people who owe their allegiance not to the harpoons of the world, but to the earth which sustains us and deserves our respect; the freedom and possibility to do good and thrive at the same time, which was once the spiritual charter of this country; and new articulated formats for living amongst one another without fear, and most importantly, without being enslaved to the ignorance and illusions our power prophets would willingly finish us off with...
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