Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
clarity...
today had its moments and i'm cool to let it all hang out. it would be a disservice to people in crisis to portray it as all rah rah rah and no o crap.
then when i was sitting in a quiet moment i heard myself think, i don't need a miracle, i am a miracle. and so are you, and you, and you.
what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow, its not going to change, and it has nothing to do with my attachment to being michelle bellerose. i have no problem recycling bodies, why would i? its the way of nature and won't interfere in the slightest with the continuity of my learning. i admit it's far more interesting to contemplate the wisdom potential of looking death in the eye while snatching a rebirth in the same body out of the whole encounter.... its the classic shamanic dark night and i remain as excited about the possibility that i might figure out how to do it as i was on diagnosis day. what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow. once i reminded myself of this fundamental, all stress and worry faded away.
and to repeat, it wasn't stress about mortality, it's just the shell after all, a vehicle we used, that returns to the earth, heart and soul live on. it was the ego frustration of facing the full results of all my bloodymindedness, all my cowardly undoings, all my hiding and procrastinating that now has me in a life circumstance where i have no power. of course, this is a thoughtform, a perception, an obstacle in itself, my couching it, my 'powerlessness,' in those terms... this frustration about not having my own money at this time and feeling a burden to some or under the thumb of others is something i have to let go of.... it cannot lead to anywhere good.
i may have to take the worst possible and maximum consequences from these conditions i've created but its also equally possible that having seen them as illusory, transitory and therefore changeable, i can weave my way out of obstructing traffic in the blink of an eye by just changing my mind about my powers, what's possible, and my financial worth.
in the meantime, my agenda remains the same. get stronger, strong enough that i can get back to earning a living wage.
i believe in my body, not the tumour. my body's getting healthier and healthier and the higher i get my resonance, the more i move into spirit and out of stuff, the more likely, the more in fact its guaranteed, that my breast and lymph will follow suit.
no matter the conditions life gives me, the work is the same. the work is the same. the work is the same.
then when i was sitting in a quiet moment i heard myself think, i don't need a miracle, i am a miracle. and so are you, and you, and you.
what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow, its not going to change, and it has nothing to do with my attachment to being michelle bellerose. i have no problem recycling bodies, why would i? its the way of nature and won't interfere in the slightest with the continuity of my learning. i admit it's far more interesting to contemplate the wisdom potential of looking death in the eye while snatching a rebirth in the same body out of the whole encounter.... its the classic shamanic dark night and i remain as excited about the possibility that i might figure out how to do it as i was on diagnosis day. what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow. once i reminded myself of this fundamental, all stress and worry faded away.
and to repeat, it wasn't stress about mortality, it's just the shell after all, a vehicle we used, that returns to the earth, heart and soul live on. it was the ego frustration of facing the full results of all my bloodymindedness, all my cowardly undoings, all my hiding and procrastinating that now has me in a life circumstance where i have no power. of course, this is a thoughtform, a perception, an obstacle in itself, my couching it, my 'powerlessness,' in those terms... this frustration about not having my own money at this time and feeling a burden to some or under the thumb of others is something i have to let go of.... it cannot lead to anywhere good.
i may have to take the worst possible and maximum consequences from these conditions i've created but its also equally possible that having seen them as illusory, transitory and therefore changeable, i can weave my way out of obstructing traffic in the blink of an eye by just changing my mind about my powers, what's possible, and my financial worth.
in the meantime, my agenda remains the same. get stronger, strong enough that i can get back to earning a living wage.
i believe in my body, not the tumour. my body's getting healthier and healthier and the higher i get my resonance, the more i move into spirit and out of stuff, the more likely, the more in fact its guaranteed, that my breast and lymph will follow suit.
no matter the conditions life gives me, the work is the same. the work is the same. the work is the same.
one main midday meal works best for me... this is lactofermented veggies, roasted cauliflower and broccoli sprouts, raw garlic and shallot, lightly wilted rapini with hijiki seaweed and sesame oil, and organic, ethical and local chicken drum stick... I haven't been able to make myself a proper lunch for months so I'm a little chuffed and motivated to keep my strength going so as to self-care in this manner... i can do this!
modified citrus pectin...
I made a big learning mistake taking modified citrus pectin for its antimetastatic powers.... it needs to be treated as a carbohydrate that reduces to simple sugars and while some cancer patients must tolerate it well given its reputation, I did not.
I'm having more relapses than gains these days and the tumour can't get any bigger than it is right now without causing me structural harm... luckily my energy is almost back to what I recognize as normal, in fact I was up until 1a cleaning after months of leaving it for later... I'm still making adjustments to my diet, feeling best with only one small serving of animal protein for medicinal reasons with an emphasis on raw living foods... getting my strength back means I can start resuming important activities, work, yoga, but it also means I am thinking and communicating more clearly, which is the axis on which this whole saga turns...
What can I say? Nobody has all the answers in this domain, managing cancer holistically... I can only learn what my own case requires and I'm learning it through failure... that's fine, but I've got to start recording more little victories and RIGHT NOW... plus there are more bills to pay to the tune of 53,000... and that's just to get me to the end of November and doesn't include food or supplements... this can't go on, I need a miracle.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
the list...
i had a good sleep and was a little surprised to wake with gut-wrenching hunger and more weakness. was able to rouse myself into eating same prescription. i couldn't quite finish my plate, but i did a fair job. then, instead of feeling a boost, i felt weaker again and had to lie down just before heading out for the day. not surprising, given i haven't been eating at all much this week, or the last two months for that matter.
i'm moving into a new stage with the work i'm doing. for the last few years any time i've felt pressed by spirit to make changes in my life so that i can more directly and effectively live soul purpose, i've blocked myself with my own list of things i'm just not willing or too scared to do... what's on my list isn't really all that important, but we all have one. studying the work of carolyn myss/wayne dyer i understand now that its this list that determines our fate in times of real mortal crisis.
people who heal get conscious about this list as quickly as they can and they eliminate every inner thoughtform that corresponds to it... the "i could never do that...." or "i would never risk this...."
however the mind has come to conceive of the obstacles, and it matters not a whit if they've been come by honestly or through projective effort, they must first be withdrawn from the mind before they can be withdrawn from reality.
i don't need a medical intuitive to tell me what i have to risk, what i have to be prepared to loose or gain, where i have to go within or without myself, to resolve this cancer. i knew it months ago. its the same list that faced me a decade before cancer, and in my cowardice, i avoided it straight into the quagmire of my present situation. and while you would think that i would be willing to do _anything_ to return to health given how hard i'm working at it, as i was forced to face this week, the major life task i've avoided all these years, i stealthily avoid still... dissolving my attachment to the wounded child archetype, the one that wants to be taken care of and protected from the cruel slings and arrows of life, so that i can risk the hard, unglamorous work of becoming a self-regulating, self-sustaining adult who takes effective care of her own needs, draws firm boundaries with clear speech and from that foundation, ably shares her unique energy with the world.
i've heard it said that when the time comes to devote yourself exclusively to living the truth of your individual illumination, you must be willing to loose everything in the hunt for this realignment and new authenticity. the fates may not demand you exit a pile a rubble as you greet a next level, the point is you must be willing to accept the possibility that nothing created with a mind controlled by fear can move with you into your personal new age.
there's no question my work to date is making the ground of my body stronger so that my survival chances are increased, but this tumour of mine stares back at me everyday in what i'm coming to see as a game of chicken... and just as i knew i was bottoming out nutritionally, i know i've reached a fine line when it comes to how much time i have to get real with myself and clear with the world.
my intention is pretty basic. i want to be an instrument of the gods, not michelle's ego. i wish the things that i do to be purely guided by what is needed and how i can fit that need, not by how much temporary distractions and pleasures i can cram in to avoid the fact we're all going to die.
i've been thinking a lot today about eating meat again. of course i find it problematic emotionally, but i want to LIVE. with my health restored i would love to move back into a vegan diet, but as i was explaining to a friend and ardent vegetarian who was trying to be helpful by sending me a list of vegan protein sources, i can't eat 95% of what's on that list, so please.....!!! there is no one-size fits all for anything in this world. with my dietary restrictions, to meet my protein requirements for a day (60g) i would need to eat 15 cups broccoli or 12 cups spinach or 2 cups almonds or 2.5 cups sunflower seeds, or 17 tbps almond butter. perhaps these animals are happy to help me at this time knowing that i am not undertaking any of this unconsciously or lightly... aho!
i'm moving into a new stage with the work i'm doing. for the last few years any time i've felt pressed by spirit to make changes in my life so that i can more directly and effectively live soul purpose, i've blocked myself with my own list of things i'm just not willing or too scared to do... what's on my list isn't really all that important, but we all have one. studying the work of carolyn myss/wayne dyer i understand now that its this list that determines our fate in times of real mortal crisis.
people who heal get conscious about this list as quickly as they can and they eliminate every inner thoughtform that corresponds to it... the "i could never do that...." or "i would never risk this...."
however the mind has come to conceive of the obstacles, and it matters not a whit if they've been come by honestly or through projective effort, they must first be withdrawn from the mind before they can be withdrawn from reality.
i don't need a medical intuitive to tell me what i have to risk, what i have to be prepared to loose or gain, where i have to go within or without myself, to resolve this cancer. i knew it months ago. its the same list that faced me a decade before cancer, and in my cowardice, i avoided it straight into the quagmire of my present situation. and while you would think that i would be willing to do _anything_ to return to health given how hard i'm working at it, as i was forced to face this week, the major life task i've avoided all these years, i stealthily avoid still... dissolving my attachment to the wounded child archetype, the one that wants to be taken care of and protected from the cruel slings and arrows of life, so that i can risk the hard, unglamorous work of becoming a self-regulating, self-sustaining adult who takes effective care of her own needs, draws firm boundaries with clear speech and from that foundation, ably shares her unique energy with the world.
i've heard it said that when the time comes to devote yourself exclusively to living the truth of your individual illumination, you must be willing to loose everything in the hunt for this realignment and new authenticity. the fates may not demand you exit a pile a rubble as you greet a next level, the point is you must be willing to accept the possibility that nothing created with a mind controlled by fear can move with you into your personal new age.
there's no question my work to date is making the ground of my body stronger so that my survival chances are increased, but this tumour of mine stares back at me everyday in what i'm coming to see as a game of chicken... and just as i knew i was bottoming out nutritionally, i know i've reached a fine line when it comes to how much time i have to get real with myself and clear with the world.
my intention is pretty basic. i want to be an instrument of the gods, not michelle's ego. i wish the things that i do to be purely guided by what is needed and how i can fit that need, not by how much temporary distractions and pleasures i can cram in to avoid the fact we're all going to die.
i've been thinking a lot today about eating meat again. of course i find it problematic emotionally, but i want to LIVE. with my health restored i would love to move back into a vegan diet, but as i was explaining to a friend and ardent vegetarian who was trying to be helpful by sending me a list of vegan protein sources, i can't eat 95% of what's on that list, so please.....!!! there is no one-size fits all for anything in this world. with my dietary restrictions, to meet my protein requirements for a day (60g) i would need to eat 15 cups broccoli or 12 cups spinach or 2 cups almonds or 2.5 cups sunflower seeds, or 17 tbps almond butter. perhaps these animals are happy to help me at this time knowing that i am not undertaking any of this unconsciously or lightly... aho!
There are numerous options for protein-dense, plant-based sources of protein. Some great ones include: tempeh (can't eat), cooked soybeans (can't eat), seitan (can't eat), lentils (can't eat), refried beans (can't eat), chickpeas (and hummus) (can't eat), avocados, tofu (can't eat), versatile grains such as quinoa (can't eat) and teff (can't eat), peas (can't eat), peanut butter (can't eat), almonds, sunflower seeds, whole wheat bread (can't eat), soy milk (can't eat), spinach, broccoli, oatmeal (can't eat), kale, and the list goes on!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
milestone...
i decided it would be great to change the bedding while i still had some energy and that turned into a few loads of laundry and some puttering around, and while i now feel truly wiped, i still haven't thrown up!
don't know how i missed reporting THIS though.... i got word this morning from bluebird that i sold my very first painting, a super special milestone for me for a variety of reasons. i do hope it brings its new owner much joy and pleasure............! the collection remains on queen west until the end of the month when it moves to close out the year in chippawa... you can visit www.michellebellerose.blogspot.ca for details. thank you!
don't know how i missed reporting THIS though.... i got word this morning from bluebird that i sold my very first painting, a super special milestone for me for a variety of reasons. i do hope it brings its new owner much joy and pleasure............! the collection remains on queen west until the end of the month when it moves to close out the year in chippawa... you can visit www.michellebellerose.blogspot.ca for details. thank you!
got to be willing to change game plans....
fantastic meeting this morning with a young and brilliant orthomolecular nutritionist who presented cutting edge knowledge and insight into exactly what the issues are for a person in my situation... given my O RHneg blood type, and i know i've said this before, i'm not designed to tolerate veganism very well... yes i know there are countless examples of successful vegans of this blood type, but i'm willing to experiment with and honour my own experiences more. i need my strength right now and its leaving me the deeper i go into using only plant-based nutrition, plus i simply cannot swallow 80 spirulina horse pills a day... i can manage about 30-40, which i will continue doing as it agrees so splendidly with me... (wondering why i don't make green smoothies? ever try drinking spirulina or chlorella without recourse to fruit? if so, please send me your formula or recipe, i haven't found a way to make it go down without a fight and fight is something i have to save for the big challenges on this road).
being starved of adequate protein has been crippling my immune and nervous system, creating a vicious cycle not just biochemically but behaviourally where the weaker i get, the less i'm able to feed myself or address my own needs, the more weaker i get and so on. like on waking this morning in a reduced state after being ill for three days, i knew i needed to eat something for breakfast, but i was so weak, and as a result of my depleted biochemistry, so temporarily disoriented by depression, i couldn't manage it. even when help was offered, i batted it away peevishly, a low point i haven't yet sunk to. it felt quite like a chamomilla state common to suffering children of intense dissatisfaction with everything, nothing consoles, wants something then refuses it... i can't afford that kind of self-sabotage, so my meeting with this new ally couldn't have come at a more perfect time.
i presented my concerns about animal protein and got the start of an education i need to further about essential cofactors that will buffer and protect me from any acid reaction so that i can get the nutrition my body is calling out for but without the harmful side-effects... i'm going to start small and work up to 3.5oz of protein with each meal on the condition that there is double that portion of greens and that i take a few tablespoons of coconut oil at the same time.... i will, of course, only be eating animal flesh from our local organic butcher, keeping to cleanest sourced chicken and fish for the most part.
i was tested on a special computer program that uses impedance to measure BMI but also my water levels... this test measured how much of my body's water is inside my cells (where the nutrients are) versus outside my cells (where the toxins are).... for someone my age, an ideal score is between 57-59% inside the cells.... my score was 54.9 which she described as outstanding and one of the best she's ever seen even in her healthy clients! this must be a reflection of the work i've been doing with diet, supplementation, the hyperbaric, the ozone, and the IV therapy. all of my other scores were equally good.... my body has somehow blessed me and preserved my muscle tissue while effortlessly dropping all the toxic fat i was glad to be free of anyway...
my cellular phase angle score came in at 6.4... ideal score for my age group is 6.3 - 6.7, so this is very encouraging given the fact that i'm scoring under such stress of disease these nice numbers. gets me to thinking what kind of health i'll be able to have when i've done duty with this dragon. my BMI came in at 18.5, exactly on the margin between healthy weight and underweight... i did say i was walking a tightrope and there we see the accurate extent of my intuition and self-observation.
after my consult i went to the clinic for my IV treatments and ate my leftover cucumber salad from the night before that i had the sense to take with me. a little while later i was throwing up again but got intercepted by healing hands that stopped the heaves in their tracks. when i got home in the early evening i was kindly greeted by some vegetarian soup which i threw up almost immediately. no, i had to get this experiment in process, even without a second wind. by the time shopping was done it was 730p, i was fading fast. where there's a will... i've learned to use a stool in the kitchen when i'm too weak to stand, worked quite nicely while i made a ginger sesame oil garlic and lemon marinade and popped some drumsticks into the convection oven. made a big bowl of organic salad greens and broccoli sprouts and then sat down to eat, following instructions.
so far, so good.... immediately after eating i had a massive clearing of the sinus that just seemed to go on and on and now for the first time in a week i feel cleared of congestion. however, fatigue of day hits, to bed i go. i have a funny feeling i won't be throwing up.
being starved of adequate protein has been crippling my immune and nervous system, creating a vicious cycle not just biochemically but behaviourally where the weaker i get, the less i'm able to feed myself or address my own needs, the more weaker i get and so on. like on waking this morning in a reduced state after being ill for three days, i knew i needed to eat something for breakfast, but i was so weak, and as a result of my depleted biochemistry, so temporarily disoriented by depression, i couldn't manage it. even when help was offered, i batted it away peevishly, a low point i haven't yet sunk to. it felt quite like a chamomilla state common to suffering children of intense dissatisfaction with everything, nothing consoles, wants something then refuses it... i can't afford that kind of self-sabotage, so my meeting with this new ally couldn't have come at a more perfect time.
i presented my concerns about animal protein and got the start of an education i need to further about essential cofactors that will buffer and protect me from any acid reaction so that i can get the nutrition my body is calling out for but without the harmful side-effects... i'm going to start small and work up to 3.5oz of protein with each meal on the condition that there is double that portion of greens and that i take a few tablespoons of coconut oil at the same time.... i will, of course, only be eating animal flesh from our local organic butcher, keeping to cleanest sourced chicken and fish for the most part.
i was tested on a special computer program that uses impedance to measure BMI but also my water levels... this test measured how much of my body's water is inside my cells (where the nutrients are) versus outside my cells (where the toxins are).... for someone my age, an ideal score is between 57-59% inside the cells.... my score was 54.9 which she described as outstanding and one of the best she's ever seen even in her healthy clients! this must be a reflection of the work i've been doing with diet, supplementation, the hyperbaric, the ozone, and the IV therapy. all of my other scores were equally good.... my body has somehow blessed me and preserved my muscle tissue while effortlessly dropping all the toxic fat i was glad to be free of anyway...
my cellular phase angle score came in at 6.4... ideal score for my age group is 6.3 - 6.7, so this is very encouraging given the fact that i'm scoring under such stress of disease these nice numbers. gets me to thinking what kind of health i'll be able to have when i've done duty with this dragon. my BMI came in at 18.5, exactly on the margin between healthy weight and underweight... i did say i was walking a tightrope and there we see the accurate extent of my intuition and self-observation.
after my consult i went to the clinic for my IV treatments and ate my leftover cucumber salad from the night before that i had the sense to take with me. a little while later i was throwing up again but got intercepted by healing hands that stopped the heaves in their tracks. when i got home in the early evening i was kindly greeted by some vegetarian soup which i threw up almost immediately. no, i had to get this experiment in process, even without a second wind. by the time shopping was done it was 730p, i was fading fast. where there's a will... i've learned to use a stool in the kitchen when i'm too weak to stand, worked quite nicely while i made a ginger sesame oil garlic and lemon marinade and popped some drumsticks into the convection oven. made a big bowl of organic salad greens and broccoli sprouts and then sat down to eat, following instructions.
so far, so good.... immediately after eating i had a massive clearing of the sinus that just seemed to go on and on and now for the first time in a week i feel cleared of congestion. however, fatigue of day hits, to bed i go. i have a funny feeling i won't be throwing up.
Friday, October 25, 2013
recovery day...
when you move furniture around in your head to such an intense degree you better make space for the body to process and catch up. today i can only go from bed to chair to bed again, can't keep food down either, which gave an op for more 'releasing' but also drove home the cue to give the body some peace and quiet to absorb the echo of all the work i did yesterday.
i will get IV treatment tomorrow and some testing to make sure i haven't succumb to cachexia... i figure this highwire act needs a net, let me not be a fool...
i will get IV treatment tomorrow and some testing to make sure i haven't succumb to cachexia... i figure this highwire act needs a net, let me not be a fool...
Thursday, October 24, 2013
first sick day...
asked for and answered, i'm gladly down for the count today with lung and sinus cleansing that some might call fever and infection but i see for truth as an opportunity to dump more toxic load, mentally, emotionally, physically. as i'm learning, never treat the infection, treat the emotion and the condition of susceptibility, and great things will follow.
even though i battled my way into the clinic chair in worst shape than this, i canceled my IV treatment for the day, a first time for me... not only did it really feel like i needed to take a day for myself without having to put on the michelle show at the clinic, i'm running out of funds for these treatments anyway so there's little sense in carrying on as if i can continue getting daily support in this manner... i will have to find another way to heal my body and since that fact doesn't change my basic task in the slightest, there's no need for chagrin... i will keep eating well, supplementing, seeking emotional release, and working constructively with what is possible instead of focusing on what i feel is missing or will be missing. in any event my arms are glad... yesterday the right arm again complained, raising a big histamine lump on the forearm where i've had multiple injuries over the years... it was quite painful and set the whole arm into agony and since i no longer want to rely on lidocaine, we had to switch arms to complete my bag, something i've never had to resort to...
i've been reflecting a lot on how much ego i have tied up in this performance of being a resilient and indefatigable warrior... i didn't show to an appointment this morning with my white team, even though i really want to get a script that only they can write for some hydrazine sulphate, and to get some testing i need done, all because in my 5am reasoning, i didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me sick! LOL
"if you don't have a story, you don't have to live up to one..." (castaneda)
i've been tweaked repeatedly to study the work of wayne dyer... a live lecture CD (The Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar) has been around the house for weeks now blinking at me; at the retreat his name was brought up in connection to stories we were sharing of our encounters with the hugging saint, Amma... so i've arranged today a conducive set and setting, tenderized the top soil with some bach flower remedies for guilt, intolerance, and deep gloom FOR NO REASON (i never use my mind to pick the flower remedies as i need them... the whole collection sits blind and unsorted in a box and i merely close my eyes, tune in, rest my hand over the lot, letting my fingers travel until i feel something... i limit myself to three choices and it NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE that my intuition picks things for me my ego would never countenance, so being told in this way that deep within me, despite all the surface rah rah rah, i'm still wrestling with those expectations of unrelenting negative outcome was very helpful and timely and i was ready for it....) so i'm diving in for the rest of the day.... i just finished the first CD, it kicked the shit right out of me.... hallelujah! I AM READY TO BE UNRAVELED IN WHATEVER WAY SERVES, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF SURRENDER BY WHICH I ABIDE... viva la vida!
ps. it just occurred to me, it so happens me and my mum's belongings are out of storage and in the studio here, which means my father's ashes are RIGHT HERE ... there's no reason for me not to take him close to my side in bed today to do what remains to be done and what i haven't been able yet to do since the day i stood my mother up at his funeral...
update: i put his funerary box on my side of the bed next to my pillow and snuggled in for the afternoon. first thing i noticed, i had to suddenly tear away the scarf that had been comforting me as i became overwhelmed with a choking feeling... ah, dad's here. he was a textbook lachesis constitution who could never tolerate anything around his neck. then came the news from below that my mum was calling and persistently, she's so very sensitive, sun in cancer moon in pisces, she always knows when i'm going thru shifts of any kind... because i was already in a state of high release, a message was taken, its better for me to delay talking to her until i don't sound so froggy, which will be tomorrow. thusly i was left to process all afternoon long.... i'm cut back a little physically, but feeling so right after hours of releasing releasing releasing forgiving forgiving forgiving letting go letting go letting go.......... resentment and bitterness will never again find fertile ground in me, even if i have to devote extra energy to this task for the rest of my days. whatever conditions and teachings persist to the extent my work at forgiveness remains incomplete. the more i forgive, the more i notice changes in the fates around me. people who played one role soften into new ones. i soften into new ones, and the world of my making changes... aho!
even though i battled my way into the clinic chair in worst shape than this, i canceled my IV treatment for the day, a first time for me... not only did it really feel like i needed to take a day for myself without having to put on the michelle show at the clinic, i'm running out of funds for these treatments anyway so there's little sense in carrying on as if i can continue getting daily support in this manner... i will have to find another way to heal my body and since that fact doesn't change my basic task in the slightest, there's no need for chagrin... i will keep eating well, supplementing, seeking emotional release, and working constructively with what is possible instead of focusing on what i feel is missing or will be missing. in any event my arms are glad... yesterday the right arm again complained, raising a big histamine lump on the forearm where i've had multiple injuries over the years... it was quite painful and set the whole arm into agony and since i no longer want to rely on lidocaine, we had to switch arms to complete my bag, something i've never had to resort to...
i've been reflecting a lot on how much ego i have tied up in this performance of being a resilient and indefatigable warrior... i didn't show to an appointment this morning with my white team, even though i really want to get a script that only they can write for some hydrazine sulphate, and to get some testing i need done, all because in my 5am reasoning, i didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me sick! LOL
"if you don't have a story, you don't have to live up to one..." (castaneda)
i've been tweaked repeatedly to study the work of wayne dyer... a live lecture CD (The Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar) has been around the house for weeks now blinking at me; at the retreat his name was brought up in connection to stories we were sharing of our encounters with the hugging saint, Amma... so i've arranged today a conducive set and setting, tenderized the top soil with some bach flower remedies for guilt, intolerance, and deep gloom FOR NO REASON (i never use my mind to pick the flower remedies as i need them... the whole collection sits blind and unsorted in a box and i merely close my eyes, tune in, rest my hand over the lot, letting my fingers travel until i feel something... i limit myself to three choices and it NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE that my intuition picks things for me my ego would never countenance, so being told in this way that deep within me, despite all the surface rah rah rah, i'm still wrestling with those expectations of unrelenting negative outcome was very helpful and timely and i was ready for it....) so i'm diving in for the rest of the day.... i just finished the first CD, it kicked the shit right out of me.... hallelujah! I AM READY TO BE UNRAVELED IN WHATEVER WAY SERVES, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF SURRENDER BY WHICH I ABIDE... viva la vida!
ps. it just occurred to me, it so happens me and my mum's belongings are out of storage and in the studio here, which means my father's ashes are RIGHT HERE ... there's no reason for me not to take him close to my side in bed today to do what remains to be done and what i haven't been able yet to do since the day i stood my mother up at his funeral...
update: i put his funerary box on my side of the bed next to my pillow and snuggled in for the afternoon. first thing i noticed, i had to suddenly tear away the scarf that had been comforting me as i became overwhelmed with a choking feeling... ah, dad's here. he was a textbook lachesis constitution who could never tolerate anything around his neck. then came the news from below that my mum was calling and persistently, she's so very sensitive, sun in cancer moon in pisces, she always knows when i'm going thru shifts of any kind... because i was already in a state of high release, a message was taken, its better for me to delay talking to her until i don't sound so froggy, which will be tomorrow. thusly i was left to process all afternoon long.... i'm cut back a little physically, but feeling so right after hours of releasing releasing releasing forgiving forgiving forgiving letting go letting go letting go.......... resentment and bitterness will never again find fertile ground in me, even if i have to devote extra energy to this task for the rest of my days. whatever conditions and teachings persist to the extent my work at forgiveness remains incomplete. the more i forgive, the more i notice changes in the fates around me. people who played one role soften into new ones. i soften into new ones, and the world of my making changes... aho!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
thanksgiving 2013...
“You need Power,
only when you want
to do something harmful
otherwise
Love is enough to get everything done.”
[Charles Chaplin]
word in the night...
last night I was woken from deep sleep on account of a Ukrainian word I heard spoken next to my ear... кохання... i felt in that instant so beloved! on waking my cold/bronchitis symptoms were clearing and after days of increase the tumour hit reverse and definitely shrank a little. elated!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
in the interest of science...
I must report a relapse in the primary and secondary tumours that happened in the last four days... up until tonight it was somewhat concerning, simply because I wasn't (sic) was unclear as to what caused it and since for all intents and purposes it was almost a wipeout of the progress made, you can imagine I felt some distress.
I decided to take a week off of the mistletoe injections so that I could participate in a shamanic plant medicine retreat last weekend which requires an absence of tyrosine in the system. This factor alongside other stressors and three days without sleep depleted me more than I was expecting, but the risk I took I feel was well worth it.
On Monday I developed a bronchitis and sinus infection which had been threatening to visit me for over a week. Green team was concerned my cough was an indicator of metastatic action, but when I tried to dive at the hyperbaric clinic I had to abandon the session because my eustachians wouldn't pop and depressurize... this gave me the confidence of knowing it was a head and chest cold getting it on, not the start of lung cancer. I chose not suppress it as the work I did on the weekend took me many steps forward in my search for forgiveness of self and others... when you release grief, the lungs will move towards spontaneous healing. Today the cough continued but as soon as I got my first round of iscador in the IV bag and then as an injection, it began to resolve and now its but a faint and periodic cough, productive and no longer dry, and what's more important, everywhere I've had regrowth and even new growth of the tumour, I now have that same itchy sensation I remember so well when the tumour started to regress and shrink.
Green team has agreed to my request that we forgo the usual schedule of injections and ramp up to a double every day. I know from past experience that it could make me feel, well, poorly, but it was after I had a few rough days with the injections that I saw my greatest leaps forward with regular night sweats and melting tumours. What the body can do, it can undo. What the body can undo once, it can undo as many times as it takes.
Many new and wonderful people have been brought into my life in the last couple weeks as a result of this adventure. Through ceremony I found a group of peers seeking healing and transformation that I will be able to revisit as I need to, people I really, really connected with... I've always avoided groups and congregations of any kind on account of ingrained negative memories so to have a positive experience was shattering to me in the best possible way... I was so moved by their sharing and touched by their effortless acceptance of me exactly as I am. I've also met many elders of late who I adore to simply listen to. Things of a new nature are knitting into shape so gently and effortlessly, I've at last been able to relax into the present as a means of transforming it into the life of service and happiness I seek.
The other detail that gave me confidence to not despair (except for when the tumour seemed to double overnight, freaking me out for a few hours) was a dream I had the first night after the plant medicine ceremony... I was looking at an MRI of my tumour and was told not to worry, it was just changing shape, not getting bigger, they said... I've learned to trust my dreams.
Also happy to report I've been getting stronger, energy wise, especially when I finally decided to go back to spirulina in megadoses... I effort to take 30-60 1gram tablets a day and its working marvelously for me. I'm still hovering around skeletal weight but feel I need to stay here until its time to rebuild a healthy, cancer-free body.
Since I feel its SO important to keep throwing new things into the mix whenever you're dealing with an aggressively adaptive cancer, I'm adding this week, modified citrus pectin (interferes with the adhesive factor which cancer cells rely on in order to form metastatic tumours, thereby offering extra protection against spread); and potentized green tea extract (which is anti-angiogenic.... makes it more difficult for new blood vessels to form and grow in service of the tumour)... and once I can find it, some DHEA cream to cut off energy pathways to cancer cells, causing them to die faster.
This is the most energy I've had in a week and I'm loving it.
I decided to take a week off of the mistletoe injections so that I could participate in a shamanic plant medicine retreat last weekend which requires an absence of tyrosine in the system. This factor alongside other stressors and three days without sleep depleted me more than I was expecting, but the risk I took I feel was well worth it.
On Monday I developed a bronchitis and sinus infection which had been threatening to visit me for over a week. Green team was concerned my cough was an indicator of metastatic action, but when I tried to dive at the hyperbaric clinic I had to abandon the session because my eustachians wouldn't pop and depressurize... this gave me the confidence of knowing it was a head and chest cold getting it on, not the start of lung cancer. I chose not suppress it as the work I did on the weekend took me many steps forward in my search for forgiveness of self and others... when you release grief, the lungs will move towards spontaneous healing. Today the cough continued but as soon as I got my first round of iscador in the IV bag and then as an injection, it began to resolve and now its but a faint and periodic cough, productive and no longer dry, and what's more important, everywhere I've had regrowth and even new growth of the tumour, I now have that same itchy sensation I remember so well when the tumour started to regress and shrink.
Green team has agreed to my request that we forgo the usual schedule of injections and ramp up to a double every day. I know from past experience that it could make me feel, well, poorly, but it was after I had a few rough days with the injections that I saw my greatest leaps forward with regular night sweats and melting tumours. What the body can do, it can undo. What the body can undo once, it can undo as many times as it takes.
Many new and wonderful people have been brought into my life in the last couple weeks as a result of this adventure. Through ceremony I found a group of peers seeking healing and transformation that I will be able to revisit as I need to, people I really, really connected with... I've always avoided groups and congregations of any kind on account of ingrained negative memories so to have a positive experience was shattering to me in the best possible way... I was so moved by their sharing and touched by their effortless acceptance of me exactly as I am. I've also met many elders of late who I adore to simply listen to. Things of a new nature are knitting into shape so gently and effortlessly, I've at last been able to relax into the present as a means of transforming it into the life of service and happiness I seek.
The other detail that gave me confidence to not despair (except for when the tumour seemed to double overnight, freaking me out for a few hours) was a dream I had the first night after the plant medicine ceremony... I was looking at an MRI of my tumour and was told not to worry, it was just changing shape, not getting bigger, they said... I've learned to trust my dreams.
Also happy to report I've been getting stronger, energy wise, especially when I finally decided to go back to spirulina in megadoses... I effort to take 30-60 1gram tablets a day and its working marvelously for me. I'm still hovering around skeletal weight but feel I need to stay here until its time to rebuild a healthy, cancer-free body.
Since I feel its SO important to keep throwing new things into the mix whenever you're dealing with an aggressively adaptive cancer, I'm adding this week, modified citrus pectin (interferes with the adhesive factor which cancer cells rely on in order to form metastatic tumours, thereby offering extra protection against spread); and potentized green tea extract (which is anti-angiogenic.... makes it more difficult for new blood vessels to form and grow in service of the tumour)... and once I can find it, some DHEA cream to cut off energy pathways to cancer cells, causing them to die faster.
This is the most energy I've had in a week and I'm loving it.
Monday, October 14, 2013
exhaustion, an indicator of healing...
profound exhaustion on waking was put in context when I lifted my shirt to find the tumour has again reduced by an even greater margin... what's more, the breast looks completely healthy... where the tumour has retreated there is nothing but smooth, healthy tissue in its place... I have learned at last how not to give energy to what doesn't serve healing and health, come what may, come what might... onwards!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
melting...
huge meltdown last night, open-throated screaming, shaking and crying as a backlog of repressed emotions poured out of me, not about this cancer ordeal, it was a personal matter that was overdue for address and the release helped all concerned. i woke in the morning feeling weaker than i have thus far... but the primary tumour has melted back to where it was before i had the relapse. other factors that contributed, i was listening to Dr. James Sheridan the other night and decided to keep to the vegan diet modified to keep me in ketosis and modified to address the need for a near-starvation diet while still getting the nutrients and proteins i need now that i have a couple new ideas. i also started painting the breast with lugol's iodine and stepped that up from once daily to twice.
onwards!
onwards!
Friday, October 11, 2013
bounceback...
had no trouble with my cocktail bag today, having pulled it back just a touch to 125g vitaminC, which is where we will stay through to end of next week. i broke with my strict vegan diet as green team was worried i was wasting away and loosing muscle mass no matter how much hemp hearts i was eating. i ate a little organic chicken last night and again today and it perked me up sufficient that i could do some yoga for the first time in two months! perked me up sufficient to not be thrown when family made move to suggest they're having second thoughts putting my mother's money towards my treatment (notwithstanding the news that its working) when i could get chemotherapy for free.
so, learned today how to _really_ roll with the stabs to the heart. and this is what i decided. if nature wants my uniqueness in play on earth, my quest for healing will be met with just what i need when i need it. if it doesn't, mother nature will take me out of play by closing doors and foreclosing my choices. either way, i will be playing my part exactly the same. the rest is out of my hands and so not worth compromising my health worrying about a thing.
sure, i could easily see a doomed scenario taking root. its a habit i came by honestly, but it no longer serves to view things this way. i'm getting better, despite the odds. i believe i'm through the worst of it and that no matter what comes, i can cope, i can survive, all because i've found the power of facing.
so, learned today how to _really_ roll with the stabs to the heart. and this is what i decided. if nature wants my uniqueness in play on earth, my quest for healing will be met with just what i need when i need it. if it doesn't, mother nature will take me out of play by closing doors and foreclosing my choices. either way, i will be playing my part exactly the same. the rest is out of my hands and so not worth compromising my health worrying about a thing.
sure, i could easily see a doomed scenario taking root. its a habit i came by honestly, but it no longer serves to view things this way. i'm getting better, despite the odds. i believe i'm through the worst of it and that no matter what comes, i can cope, i can survive, all because i've found the power of facing.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
education involves relapse...
all it took was one day, a little human error (my daily IV bag only got half the usual amount of vitaminC that i'm working with... of 100g, only 50g got injected) plus a little emotional tweak (got news that mum was narrowly prevented from punching one of the other older ladies at the nursing home in the face, which means that i have to move her AGAIN, this time to a long-term venue that can handle where the dementia will take her).... i woke up this morning and the tumour had regrown back into the shape it was in about four days ago, before i started to see that really dramatic reduction each morning. it hasn't completely grown back to the proportions it assumed at its zenith, but its certainly gaining on me again.
for the first time since this whole ordeal began in june, i sat down at the kitchen table, exhausted and overwrought at 6am, and just cried. i had to release some of the stress of all this up and down, knowing and not-knowing. i sucked it up and pressed on with my day and by the afternoon when it was time for my IV, i reported my unfortunate news and asked my green team to take me into uncharted territory, bump me up to 125g vitaminC.... since i'd been doing so well at 100g, 150g was suggested, and of course i jumped at it.
well, i won't IV 150g vitaminC again. it was 6 hours of agony, four shots of lidocaine did nothing for the pain. right arm worse for wear and quite swollen, but as soon as it was over the pain stopped and i had a profound sense of well-being. i put arnica gel all over my arms and the track marks and they will be right as rain in morning.
it is absolutely necessary for my learning that i develop skill where none exists, and right now i have to solve the puzzle of how to protect myself from these backslides, and how to quickly right wrong turns. i'm very thin and weak, so having to redo work done is not something i can sustain.
green team will work with me through to sunday, our one day off, then we resume on monday.
onwards!
for the first time since this whole ordeal began in june, i sat down at the kitchen table, exhausted and overwrought at 6am, and just cried. i had to release some of the stress of all this up and down, knowing and not-knowing. i sucked it up and pressed on with my day and by the afternoon when it was time for my IV, i reported my unfortunate news and asked my green team to take me into uncharted territory, bump me up to 125g vitaminC.... since i'd been doing so well at 100g, 150g was suggested, and of course i jumped at it.
well, i won't IV 150g vitaminC again. it was 6 hours of agony, four shots of lidocaine did nothing for the pain. right arm worse for wear and quite swollen, but as soon as it was over the pain stopped and i had a profound sense of well-being. i put arnica gel all over my arms and the track marks and they will be right as rain in morning.
it is absolutely necessary for my learning that i develop skill where none exists, and right now i have to solve the puzzle of how to protect myself from these backslides, and how to quickly right wrong turns. i'm very thin and weak, so having to redo work done is not something i can sustain.
green team will work with me through to sunday, our one day off, then we resume on monday.
onwards!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
success....
i took quite ill last week and had to conserve my energy, so apologies for not keeping to date here, but i have nothing but good news to share.
last week i wrote:
waking up a handicapped immune system has been my first test of faith and persistence. intense response had my green team thinking i was in a bad way. i made contact with my white team and got the further tests, results and meds but refused to stop the injections or take the medications. couldn't walk on own three days. green team worked on me every day, even sunday. then today at last minute all the WBC and RBC distortions disappeared. i walked freely.
now we start the second course, which is even stronger. you can deal with anything if you have a strategy...
since then i have persevered and entered the land of night sweats and fevers. no matter how grueling things have got (my days have run from 6-12 hours of treatments not including all the driving) i kept to my program. the most challenging part has been keeping to a near starvation diet... keeping my caloric intake low and strategized is one of the cornerstones to the metabolic treatment of cancer, but it requires strength of mind and soul to walk that tightrope.
two days ago i wrote:
ten days ago the secondary metastatic tumour in lymph node was visible and about size of cookie... it is now no longer visible and about the size of my pinkie fingernail... primary tumour is also now showing signs of retreat... onwards!
after soaking the bedding thru twice as has been the norm these last few days, i got up to hydrate and move to the couch. that's when i noticed the primary tumour shrank another 20% overnight.
i knew something was different during the night when i spontaneously turned onto my right side, something i normally have to do so very gingerly and with careful adjustments. yet last night i turned over and was able to just glide right into my normal sleeping position, something i've not been able to do for months. i passed out immediately from sheer relief. so when i got up with morning and looked at my body and saw just how much its melted away, i squirted tears of joy and relief. for all those months i had to keep to my vision and faith when it wasn't looking good. this is what i learned is most important. i never gave up on me, instead i learned to give up making myself miserable by dwelling on other people's actions.
there is still a long road ahead, reabsorbing a tumour the size of a small melon while continuing to support the body as it heals from twenty years of PTSD, nutritional torment and self-abuse with drugs, alcohol and toxic relations requires wisdom, persistence, and constant vigilance. working with the situation as it is and endeavouring to bring not only the self but those in orbit into a state of grace is the task at hand. one foot in front of the other, little by little, i will go far.
last week i wrote:
waking up a handicapped immune system has been my first test of faith and persistence. intense response had my green team thinking i was in a bad way. i made contact with my white team and got the further tests, results and meds but refused to stop the injections or take the medications. couldn't walk on own three days. green team worked on me every day, even sunday. then today at last minute all the WBC and RBC distortions disappeared. i walked freely.
now we start the second course, which is even stronger. you can deal with anything if you have a strategy...
since then i have persevered and entered the land of night sweats and fevers. no matter how grueling things have got (my days have run from 6-12 hours of treatments not including all the driving) i kept to my program. the most challenging part has been keeping to a near starvation diet... keeping my caloric intake low and strategized is one of the cornerstones to the metabolic treatment of cancer, but it requires strength of mind and soul to walk that tightrope.
two days ago i wrote:
ten days ago the secondary metastatic tumour in lymph node was visible and about size of cookie... it is now no longer visible and about the size of my pinkie fingernail... primary tumour is also now showing signs of retreat... onwards!
after soaking the bedding thru twice as has been the norm these last few days, i got up to hydrate and move to the couch. that's when i noticed the primary tumour shrank another 20% overnight.
i knew something was different during the night when i spontaneously turned onto my right side, something i normally have to do so very gingerly and with careful adjustments. yet last night i turned over and was able to just glide right into my normal sleeping position, something i've not been able to do for months. i passed out immediately from sheer relief. so when i got up with morning and looked at my body and saw just how much its melted away, i squirted tears of joy and relief. for all those months i had to keep to my vision and faith when it wasn't looking good. this is what i learned is most important. i never gave up on me, instead i learned to give up making myself miserable by dwelling on other people's actions.
there is still a long road ahead, reabsorbing a tumour the size of a small melon while continuing to support the body as it heals from twenty years of PTSD, nutritional torment and self-abuse with drugs, alcohol and toxic relations requires wisdom, persistence, and constant vigilance. working with the situation as it is and endeavouring to bring not only the self but those in orbit into a state of grace is the task at hand. one foot in front of the other, little by little, i will go far.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)