the list...

i had a good sleep and was a little surprised to wake with gut-wrenching hunger and more weakness. was able to rouse myself into eating same prescription. i couldn't quite finish my plate, but i did a fair job. then, instead of feeling a boost, i felt weaker again and had to lie down just before heading out for the day. not surprising, given i haven't been eating at all much this week, or the last two months for that matter.

i'm moving into a new stage with the work i'm doing. for the last few years any time i've felt pressed by spirit to make changes in my life so that i can more directly and effectively live soul purpose, i've blocked myself with my own list of things i'm just not willing or too scared to do... what's on my list isn't really all that important, but we all have one. studying the work of carolyn myss/wayne dyer i understand now that its this list that determines our fate in times of real mortal crisis.

people who heal get conscious about this list as quickly as they can and they eliminate every inner thoughtform that corresponds to it... the "i could never do that...." or "i would never risk this...."

however the mind has come to conceive of the obstacles, and it matters not a whit if they've been come by honestly or through projective effort, they must first be withdrawn from the mind before they can be withdrawn from reality.

i don't need a medical intuitive to tell me what i have to risk, what i have to be prepared to loose or gain, where i have to go within or without myself, to resolve this cancer. i knew it months ago. its the same list that faced me a decade before cancer, and in my cowardice, i avoided it straight into the quagmire of my present situation. and while you would think that i would be willing to do _anything_ to return to health given how hard i'm working at it, as i was forced to face this week, the major life task i've avoided all these years, i stealthily avoid still... dissolving my attachment to the wounded child archetype, the one that wants to be taken care of and protected from the cruel slings and arrows of life, so that i can risk the hard, unglamorous work of becoming a self-regulating, self-sustaining adult who takes effective care of her own needs, draws firm boundaries with clear speech and from that foundation, ably shares her unique energy with the world.

i've heard it said that when the time comes to devote yourself exclusively to living the truth of your individual illumination, you must be willing to loose everything in the hunt for this realignment and new authenticity. the fates may not demand you exit a pile a rubble as you greet a next level, the point is you must be willing to accept the possibility that nothing created with a mind controlled by fear can move with you into your personal new age.

there's no question my work to date is making the ground of my body stronger so that my survival chances are increased, but this tumour of mine stares back at me everyday in what i'm coming to see as a game of chicken... and just as i knew i was bottoming out nutritionally, i know i've reached a fine line when it comes to how much time i have to get real with myself and clear with the world.

my intention is pretty basic. i want to be an instrument of the gods, not michelle's ego. i wish the things that i do to be purely guided by what is needed and how i can fit that need, not by how much temporary distractions and pleasures i can cram in to avoid the fact we're all going to die.

i've been thinking a lot today about eating meat again. of course i find it problematic emotionally, but i want to LIVE. with my health restored i would love to move back into a vegan diet, but as i was explaining to a friend and ardent vegetarian who was trying to be helpful by sending me a list of vegan protein sources, i can't eat 95% of what's on that list, so please.....!!! there is no one-size fits all for anything in this world. with my dietary restrictions, to meet my protein requirements for a day (60g) i would need to eat 15 cups broccoli or 12 cups spinach or 2 cups almonds or 2.5 cups sunflower seeds, or 17 tbps almond butter. perhaps these animals are happy to help me at this time knowing that i am not undertaking any of this unconsciously or lightly... aho!

There are numerous options for protein-dense, plant-based sources of protein. Some great ones include: tempeh (can't eat), cooked soybeans (can't eat), seitan (can't eat), lentils (can't eat), refried beans (can't eat), chickpeas (and hummus) (can't eat), avocados, tofu (can't eat), versatile grains such as quinoa (can't eat) and teff (can't eat), peas (can't eat), peanut butter (can't eat), almonds, sunflower seeds, whole wheat bread (can't eat), soy milk (can't eat), spinach, broccoli, oatmeal (can't eat), kale, and the list goes on!