update...

now that i have my footing again, must report some ups and downs after surgery...

had to have a CT scan two weeks ago when it appeared i was presenting signs of embolism. luckily this was ruled out but the results, which could be compared to the CT scan prior to surgery, show a prevascular lymph node (located near aorta) which is still quite small (6mm) but larger compared to previous; same goes for a small left axillary node, seen before, but now larger; and a new small left clavicular node, and a right mammary lymph node are also newly affected. these are, as my surgeon put it, the children of rasputin (the name given to my breast tumour because of its persistence and reluctance to die) ... i must be vigilant and strong in body mind spirit to regain an upper hand here.

new playing field is such that there is no funds now for the treatments that spared me the metastatic spread oncologists had predicted would be my lot and doom last year... back then i was gifted with daily IVs and hyperbarics, these are now well out of reach. as substitute we're experimenting with homemade lypospheric vitamin C and next week, even though its not my favorite, i'll have no choice but to resume a gradual program of hydrogen peroxide as a way to get some form of oxygen therapy.

i'm commuting to caledon every day and it's a godsend in terms of providing for a reboot of monkeymind and reversing the wheel of habit that came down like a tonne of bricks on my head post-op. my new friend and employer barbara has become a light in my life that i'm so deeply grateful for. she arranged for me to consult with an elder from the Ukraine two night ago. a former orthopedic surgeon he now works under an RMT in the manner of a structural integrator, but with benefits! during my assessment he discovered that both my carotid arteries are seriously inflamed and blocked, a condition he said he normally only sees in 70 and 80 year olds. when he later took my blood pressure to rule out a serious vascular disorder and found it to be textbook perfect, like an 18 year old, i started to get a sense of the metaphor of a split come to life in me. he located areas in the L breast of thickening and inflammation presaging another tumour, which, as he said and i believed, we are NOT going to let happen. he also found some trouble with my L leg in keeping with an old hip/groin injury and cramps i've been having in the foot arch and calf. there are some obstructions in lymphatic flow thru the ankle channels that he's going to fix shortly. finally i have a knot the size of a lemon in the soft tissue adjacent to the L SI joint which developed over the last two weeks along with some LBP (low back pain). i will be seeing him every morning next week before work to get a jump on these structural issues in order to restore balance, to leech off holding patterns of distress and emotional banking, and to re-establish proper flow of interstitial fluids so that nourishment can get to the cells and toxins can be swept away.

i've been sleeping poorly on account of a return of night sweats and hot flashes (not a good sign) and yesterday i found a nodule that appeared out of nowhere just below the scar line.

i can't deny this has become very serious again. i let my guard down, lapsed into a somewhat mysterious depression, drawn into a sense of impotence and frustration around the necessary changes i need to make in order to get my wounded mind into good harness for the first. to that end i'm spending more and more time at the dharma center on the weekends. working full time to try and effect a bit of a professional rebirth is highly rewarding to me emotionally and psychologically but i do recognize as well that i'm testing the limits of my energy, often finding myself coming home late at night with nothing left to give. finding the right balance will become key if i want to make the most of this clinical opportunity for the long term.

i've had an increase in pain as the numbness and swelling around the mastectomy now disappears and have become to my dismay somewhat reliant on the percocets i was prescribed. they are not the powerful habit-forming extra strength variety, but i totally see what i've read about the opioid narcotics... when i take a couple for pain, usually mid afternoon or before bed, i feel a warmth and well-being i've never experienced on my own, one that is terribly seductive and which i must and will find a way to source by inner means and independent effort.

understanding that as a result of my early life and later addictive excursions i have less receptors for dopamine than the average person, this will be a challenge, but as with all of the challenges of late, i know that expecting success, expecting recovery, expecting well-being and happiness in my life is half the equation. the other half requires personal courage and a willingness to see each and every detail, each and every experience, as key to becoming whole and at one with the true self that lies underneath all noise.

believe me when i say, onwards!