adjustments...

I couldn't but recognize myself in so much of what I've been reading of the damaged goods school of thought... bowing to authority before taking personal inventory, not knowing ones mind much less daring to speak it leading to false reality formations, compensating for uncertainty by seeking to please through use of talent in service of anything but ones true desire, learned helplessness, passive aggressive manipulativeness as the only acceptable form of indirectly and coyly asserting will, a sense of futility when attempting to break free of defeating habits, depression when unable to face risk alternating with ebullient periods where things go too well and must be scotched.

I did some willful self damage in the last three days that broke my defensiveness sufficient to see all that I was looking to see with dispassion and kindheartedness. a paradoxical example of how backsliding can sometimes serve to launch you forward. I respond to threat and fear and uncertainty by hiding at home, misdirecting my genuine energies and incompletely holding in frustration. That frustration comes out in me not toward its sources but at myself in the form of subtle biological warfare... soaking the plant body of my soul in the here and now with food and drink which slowly destroy its delicate function, giving harbour to logic which takes its cues from fear...

In healing a longstanding dysfunction the process is long hard and unstable... It's not incremental, it's in stops and starts. Some days it looks hopeful others like your chances are shit. The issue is to stick with it long enough to do what they say can't be done...

I dreamt last night of a crew of high function strong wise and fearless women at the helm of a submarine like ship. I notice at some point we have started to take on some water on the side I'm sitting on... it's the booth my father built in our kitchen to make it an eat-in. Worried about the leak, I draw it to the captains attention, which takes a few tries. She reacts with calm forbearance, it's nothing to worry about. Sure enough we press on in difficult tactical situations, the leak disappears along with the water at my feet. Then I see that we are breaking the waterline and rising before a green and gold city of indescribable beauty.