me, in a nutshell...

i have to answer the obvious question, why would i go to the inaugural free class of a new studio opened by a woman celebrating her rebounding from standard of care treatment of her own breast cancer when i myself am sporting a very obvious tumour which could only be the result of refusing standard of care?

i had only earlier in the week asked a yoga teacher i know if he could spot me a few classes, there's no budget for such things and i felt drawn to the classroom experience again, practicing with others. he said no by not replying. not answering messages, even the New York Times says, is the new no.

so when later that week i got an invitation from someone i know to check out a free yoga class, i saw it as synchrony, as a sign that the universe would manifest according to need and intention. i looked up where it was and who was offering it and briefly considered how it might look, but the very fact that it would be wide open to misinterpretation made it seem like a gifted opportunity for me... how better to overcome my preoccupation with how things look! i would have to go straight into a touché set-up of appearances, confident of the purity and sincerity of my purpose, and just let the chips fall where they may.

i forgot to mention, many things leading up to the class and afterwards furthered the notion that i was being smiled on by angels... the drive there was smooth, a parking spot magically appeared on first pass around the front of the building when a bell canada van pulled out. as i was getting out of the car another lady with a mat was coming down the street and i smiled and started a conversation with her, which was very enjoyable, full of good feelings, and we ended up walking together the short distance to the class which made breaking the ice of walking in all that more delightful, considering i was worried to feel inferior around the usual yoga crowd, typically so high on achievement and quick judgements.

i've noticed how often teachers will find every excuse to bring up the word 'competitive' when i'm around and i find it really boring. i can't even say that the only person i'm competing with is myself. i loath competition. its why i flash in the pan but loose interest on follow through, because follow through requires you walk through the valley of competition. this idea that your achievement has to come at the expense of someone else's... ie. seeking a short cut to positive self-image that comes from wanting to go deeper and longer than others in the room which is pure folly and ridiculousness... what are you going to do the day someone stronger and better than you in your niche comes along?

i practice yoga the way i do everything..... very intensely, very focused and with no messing around. that's my thing, its gives me pleasure to do life that way when i can and so i do and i put my whole heart into it. some people don't know what to do with that except throw their need to see people in a negative light so they feel more 'enlightened.....' at it. i used to get upset about this, now i'm more philosophical.