we Don't know what it would it would be like...

"Living without the full feminine for so many centuries, we don't know what it would be like to live within a society where the feminine voice is not repressed, women's bodies are not distorted, controlled or sold, and where both men and women live with balanced psyches. It's as if humanity has lived with one side of its body atrophied." (Tsultrim Allione, Women of Wisdom)

working with fears...

"I learned to give form to my fears, illnesses, and attachments and feed them to their complete satisfaction.

My approach to practice in general was profoundly affected by this. I understood that the 'demons' to be fed in the Chod were not some sort of Tibetan-looking gargoyles, but my own dispossessed and ignored projections, aspects of myself projected onto the people in my environment with whom I was struggling." (Tsultrim Allione: Women of Wisdom)

dropping balls with grace...

This is what a poor prognosis of 'weeks to live' looks like. Aho! 

I'm taking my best orders from a different drum as everyone knows.... as a result of tenacity and successful efforts to create a radical new personal reality, the larger world around me continues to shower me with angels, special purpose resources, trial situations where I have to put into play this new and hard won self ownership, all alongside unexpected opportunities for more and more authenticity and personal growth... the caveat here there everywhere was that I had to prove first that I could most positively do without, more than that, make glorious due... not just passively accept things as they are but bring ingenious engagement to the what is, thereby transforming even it's potential beyond status quo expectation, proving that indeed you CAN get something from nothing all the time... only once I'd passed that litmus test (which I didn't even know I was running or being tested with) did the impossible start showing up with its additive, case-in-point generosity... as in the unlikely form of a palliative care physician assigned to my case by pure chance, who, recognizing western medicine has nothing more to offer, has been at the ready with energy treatments that target viscera and acupuncture meridians... he also recognizes to my delight that stagnant energy prevents healing and so has proven wildly effective at restoring flow, even modifying for good the pretty impressive local oedema in L arm and both feet; because of his being in charge  of my case, I've been placed in a bubble of a kind here in the ward where I can do as I please, uninterrfered with; and finally, having found novel ways to make glorious best w the situation as I found it, a completely unexpected opportunity to return to the alternative protocols of my hearts desire but this time of an even more refined and specialized nature, literally walked thru the door and asked if it would be welcome. all of these angels and resources would never manifest if I sat back and conjectured as to what I needed to move forward... they appeared because I'd already rolled up my sleeves and got to the work of how to be at active peace with where I find myself. I formed my intention but didn't waste time or energy on the details... how the heck should I know best anyway. I simply formed intention, dropped the ball with grace...

and then got back to work 

with the where of my was. 

Stand by for miracles.

 

going forward...

just to recap, a few weeks ago i elected to do a trial run of palliative radiation... it was presented to me that such a course of treatment could a) reduce the pain of bone metastases which in turn might permit me to reduce the amount of narcotics i'm taking; and b) protect the structure and function of the bones themselves, allowing me to remain ambulatory longer and reduce if not avoid the secondary effects of calcium being released as a result of inevitable breakdown processes... (prior to radiation but after diagnosis of bone mets, i was not scoring any sign of calcium breakdown in my blood work and this remains the case; aside from the pain, none of my blood panels correspond to this advanced picture of metastatic stage 4 cancer... they call it an anomaly, i call it the good results of my holistic treatment protocols of the last 11 months)

my own research and to a limited extent from consultation with my radiation MD i was aware that the risks involved in this trial run were that a) before pain relief i might in fact be subject to local or global pain spikes of indeterminate duration and intensity and b) metastatic activity in the body might get worse before it gets better.

we are still in the observational period following this first pass at using radiation palliatively... some estimates say secondary effects should come to light and resolve in the first two weeks, others up to six weeks. my body's response has been atypical according to the MDs involved who say they've never seen such a thing. the 'thing' to which they refer is the lymphangitic carcinomatosis (LC) which so far has restricted its sphere of action to the skin's surface. it has spread like wildfire and completely overtaken my remaining breast and runs diagonally across my body, wrapping itself like a banner around the heart.

PRACTICAL ENERGY WORK
when i partook of the radiation, i established a sphere of influence prior to each treatment. i put forward a clear intention... "this radiation is a product of human ingenuity and is being offered to me in the hopes of helping me move forward with my healing... it will be passing through the bioshield of my aura, the unique fingerprint of my manifestation in time and space... and this too, my aura, is a product of human ingenuity and its intention is clear... it seeks in this current crisis the healing and restoration of complete body-mind functionality while holding space for a journey of proactive letting go... letting go of wounds and neurotic adaptations from the past which no longer serve the needs of the present... thusly nothing about these radiation treatments that might prove harmful or destructive will be allowed to pass through my auric shield without modulation and conformity to my healing intention. therefore as the radiation passes through the conditioning powers of my body, only the highest and best possibilities will be allowed to manifest. no matter how things look to the linear mind, what i conceive of and put forward as intention, so it will be... of this i have no doubt, of this i have no doubt..."

i retained this 'headspace' from beginning to end of each and every treatment. i visualized the radiation entering my aura... i saw within that auric field a vibrant moving plexus that filtered and excluded anything of potential harm while welcoming and bringing centre stage anything that corresponded with my healing goals. within this net of intention i included the caveat that even in the event of breakthru secondary effects, these also could and would be redirected into arenas that are ultimately working for me rather than against me.

the first result was a challenge, the terrific explosion of what was initially thought to be a radiation rash but quickly became more obviously LC. i had to do a lot of independent research about this condition as no one wanted to speculate or say too much about it on account of the fierceness of my body's reaction (i believe that a reactive body is a sign of tremendous constitutional health so was not alarmed). it was my palliation doctor who finally came clean with me about the 'poor prognosis' aspect to this secondary effect of the radiation. again, I was not alarmed, I adopted a curious and gently determined attitude hoping to speculate correctly what my body was trying to tell me.

what's of note to me is the way in which my body continues to succeed in keeping the outbreak to the dermal layer... so far there continues to be no evidence that the LC has any foothold in the lungs or other organs. this again defies the usual picture of the virulence of LC progression.

INTO THE METAPHYSIC
the body speaks in symbols. these symbols are to be understood in the story told by symptoms. as i continue to work at this level i feel i'm witnessing a process by which the neurotic adaptations of the child i once was, seeking mean survival in a, let's be frank, shitty situation, is coming up for translation and resolution. attempting this feat at the level of mind alone has proven over the years to be inadequate to the task.vi understand a little better these day why I've been banging my head against the wall all these years. was watching one of the Adam DreamHealer DVDs today that summed it up quite nicely... Adam and Bruce Lipton (Biology of Belief) were being interviewed.

Lipton: "the biggest problem is that we believe that the the conscious mind and the subconscious mind are aligned - meaning that if consciousness becomes aware of something, the subconscious also becomes aware - this is NOT true. consciousness is its own database. subconsciousness is its own programming."

the imprint of early adverse experience is so profound, it makes sense to me that it's now demanding heroic staging in a life or death impasse where i must at last come face to face with all that is not of me, but became part of me due to circumstance and conditioning, in short, the programming I my subconscious that keeps me locked in repetitions I want release from.

as i have written about in the past, healing requires mirroring. we see this at work in homeopathy where the curative mechanism in the similium is in fact the provision of perfect mirroring, nothing more... thru a matching with the most similar remedy, symptoms depicting the core inner conflict are introduced via an attenuated picture, its exact mirror image in the material realm... the act of introducing a mirror image at the level of material resonance, bypassing the mind entirely, permits the entelechy of the bodymind unity to express as a return to balance in the resolution of symptoms, the ultimate aha moment.

in my own case, the LC is clearly presenting as the sin qua non depiction through which the particulars of this self-protective psychic armouring around the heart can convert into clear indisputable symptoms to be acted upon... without this conversion and its concrete symptoms, i remain stuck at the level of monkey mind trying to constantly chase its own tail... intellectual awareness of the neurotic adaptation begging for resolution is inadequate to the task since the function being used to attempt healing is the function that created the maladaption... 

the body, in its ingenuity, knows well enough to shift playing field in order to get one's hand on the thing, as it were. unfortunately current attitudes towards symptoms causes the majority to miss out on this opportunity and to mistake this shift in playing field as a disorder that must be suppressed and opposed, rather than honoured, supported, and neutralized for highest and best.

using the latter approach as i am wont to do, here's the math... this LC presents as a forcefield exteriorizing in this way (self-limiting to the integumentary system because it seeks symbolic release not destruction of vehicle... it represents a factor that wants to come out of the body... to symbolically and literally express its contents in unison with my ongoing efforts to release old holding patterns and ideas. the idea of using radiation to suppress this possibility of release is not congruent with my intention.

so i've decided its better to gamble on giving a stage for the LC to run a course while i piggyback on the experience as a means by which i can at the same time surrender cancerous contents in a kind of alchemical high mass. i choose this instead of using any treatments or technologies which oppose the wisdom of the mind-body unity. as I can say now, been there done that. I did meet with another radiation doctor recently who outlined their recommendation... at this point the cancer so quickly advanced there's not much more to be done, save a single treatment to the right side that she contends could target and reduce axillary lymph nodes and return to me some range of motion. I have unlimited time to consider this and so will take under advisement while I try other things.

i have no idea what to expect as the LC begins to break through the skin at my invitation, but being in hospital i'm in the perfect situ to make the best of it and get proper care.

a cutting edge alternative protocol of injection-based treatments originating in Europe and Mexico was just the other day put on table through the kind intercession of a colleague, but the cost of it all, including the sly administration of injections and such while I'm in hospital, would be about 3800 a month. I declined and quite contentedly. there are plenty examples of people without a pot to piss in who have healed their cancers just as much as there are folks in circumstances of abundant affluence who nonetheless succumb... it really in the end is not about the tools or the meds. it's about working in gratitude with where you are, what you've got and with things as you find them. really, this is more important than anything.

so thank you but no, i'm going to confidently take to the helm again and see what i can do to get this armour dissolved and on its way while protecting the integrity of my inner organs for the road ahead. onwards!

visitors...

the biggest spider I've ever seen arrived two nights ago and has taken up station in the bathroom ... I thank Mother Earth for sending an emissary to me with not only such rich symbolic associations to consider, but fear to overcome, aho!

talk about dying...

its funny, there's all this talk about dying, but its not something we ever do.

we're alive until we're not. 

nothing complicated about it except mind that makes it so.

by that metric, i'm not dead yet

and whether i die this summer or phoenix forward

there's no success or failure here as my applied arts of the moment of course remain the same

i can only be more and more deeply michelle michelle michelle

the question is how completely i surrender to a timing and sense that's not mine to dictate let alone own.

i embrace this like crazy 

its the loveliest of things that binds the single to all.