Saturday, March 29, 2014

highly recommended...

i was dissuaded from taking this product on account of the slightly higher cost compared to other potentized curcumin products, but remembered recently and ever so vividly how much more effective it was for my pain. found a toronto supplier who has it at a great price so tried it again and its effects are near miraculous! i'm now able to avoid narcotics during the day and need only take a couple percs at night for the longvida curcumin is particularly helpful for osteosarcoma patients... a human 2010 study in Mumbai (Gota et-al 2010), clinicians treated bone cancer patients with Longvida and found that it was over 100 times more bioavailable than curcumin-95! This is far better than any other product on the market which at best has reported a thirty-fold increase; even then it wasn’t the free curcumin form. In addition, the Longvida form had a much longer half-life than other forms. What this means is that the Longvida form stays in the body for a much longer time, and thus provides continued release to the cells and tissues. 
But what does this hugely increased bioavailability actually mean in terms of health benefits? The Gota study actually reported improvement in various health parameters, such as reduced pain and nausea, improved appetite, and overall improved quality of life, as well as improving the remission rate from 2% to 19%.
interestingly, its nano-technology that again saves the day...

Curcumin Active™ consists of solid lipid particles (SLP) which are tiny nano-sized (1 billionth of a meter) particles that have a protected layer that provides a phenomenal increase in stability, potency and effectiveness. Unlike regular curcumin that is easily broken down by stomach acids, Curcumin Fast Relief particles are resistant to acid breakdown. Even more important is the fact that these tiny particles are absorbed very rapidly. Once absorbed, they exist as free-form curcumin in the body, and are taken up into the cells easily. This means that they deliver all of the health benefits of curcumin, including pain relief, reduced inflammation, antioxidant properties and other effects much faster than any other curcumin product.

this link answers any questions about the longvida formulation and details the other conditions benefited by this fabulous new product!


got my qualification in colon hydrotherapy, will be posting certificate when the calligraphy gets done next week... very very pleased and now taking some much needed rest.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

"Today I will walk out, today everything unnecessary will leave me,
I will be as I was before, I will have a cool breeze over my body.
I will have a light body, I will be happy forever."
[From the Walking in Beauty Navajo Way Prayer]

Saturday, March 22, 2014

improvement continues...

i forgot to mention, when i met with my MD and he pronounced me terminal and took a chest Xray for the record (we have yet to get the radiologist's report which will reveal whether beyond the palpable tumours if the lungs have been affected... and i think they have not... i will post the results when i get them next week, even better i'm hoping to snag a picture of the film), i did counter his gloomy assessment by pointing out, as i'm wont to do, that there is no stage of any type of cancer that hasn't been survived by someone, and that beyond this i still feel like a healthy person sporting a psychological cancer. curious if i could prove this i reminded him that i had asked for full blood panels when i saw his associate the week before when i needed more pain meds. i asked him to look up the results. he had to admit that aside from two indices that show inflammation consistent with metastases, all my other values are picture perfect. this led me to emphasize the point that even if my MD thinks i'm running on false hope, what possible harm is there in that? what if i'm right? then my attitude serves! and if i'm wrong, i'll at least have a good time being proven so!

also forgot to mention, i had a dream last night that my period was coming after what seemed a false start earlier this month. and in fact it did come today, another incredible sign of life! what's more, today i had exactly 4 percocets, that's down from yesterday and the day before when i needed 8-10 percs during the day, and before bed 1 long release hydromorph contin 6mg and 6-8 hydromorphone 1mg, and 2 more percs in the middle of the night.

after a special workshop today on withdrawing projections in the interest of clear-seeing in clinical contexts, i had the chance to finally meet this gentlemen, a friend of barbara's, who heard about my cash-poor situation and my desire to begin a new professional life with, for starters, this training in colon hydrotherapy... it was by his graces alone that my course fee has been paid for and this one obstacle removed. i will be repaying his investment once i start seeing clients, but in the meantime his main concern, as mine, is that i get well again.

our program begins tomorrow morning... barbara and i are doing the course together which is so fantastic!!! (her teenage son has his uncle for company, he lives with them, so my endlessly-giving friend can have the rare opportunity to do something exclusively for herself) ... the woman teaching us is quite an exceptional person who's travelled all over the world and knows so much about so many things, what an example of a dream come true!! i won't be posting again until end of next week. wish us luck!

my benefactor nick... thank goodness for the kindness of strangers!

Friday, March 21, 2014

emotional clearing is so very key...

predictably i was getting sicker and sicker, with more and more pain, taking on a green hue and feeling life force ebb. many events, particularly key ones coincident with the start of a new season and the vernal equinox, brought me face to face with the limits of material medicines and the archetype of the healer, the priest, the saint. it all came to a head last night when my explorations with tapping finally hit some real pay dirt. the tip of the tip of the tip of the iceberg. more than an hour of genuine release and revelation that has changed the course of my healing much for the better.

dreams of late have featured father quite prominently, including a night when his face appeared before me, bleary and weeping with frustrations. then one of my abdominal tumours came to animation and when it spoke it was father speaking.

theme of late has been anger, rage and issues of letting oneself feel it all but still act neutrally, no mean feat of learning.

as a youth i was fascinated with stories of the mohawk tradesmen who had incredible tolerance for heights. dreamt recently of being atop the highest building on earth in arctic weather watching these men work in perilous conditions with tiny, uncertain platforms to climb hither and tither. uncovering a testament to the risks involved when the men came across the mummified and frozen remains of a father and young daughter in spoon position, huddled to death, having given up, unable to move forward or back. when it was my turn to join the crew i found myself pulled away from the building and to my horror suspended in mid-air at this impossible height. death from falling seemed imminent, but instead i was kept suspended for what seemed minutes without end when suddenly, as if entreaties had been answered, i felt a magnetism hook and draw me back to the wall where i found solid footing and began work with the others, cleaning and repairing the architecture.

last night was a little like that. pain in the ribs and along the sternum that made breathing difficult. actually, i won't belabour the pain in detail on second thought, let's just say it was extensive. i felt fluey and weak and struggling to keep right view and right harness on mind. then it occurred to me that i was being lured into materialist maya and had too long postponed moving more headlong into the emotional/psychological/spiritual work this life challenge demands. its not that i've been ignoring this arena, far from it, i've been devotedly and with sincere commitment, tackling the idea of bringing about some kind of transformation, but as with many of these things, there's no clear instruction manual written just for you... you have to feel your way through the dark forest and trust in something transcendent to finally notice your hard work and consent to guide you.

with my guide and dear friend barbara at my side i started another round of listening to guided meditations and tappings. as luck would have it we finally hit on a series that got to me and the discharge was profound and wrenching and a thrill to be on the other side of. afterwards i slept twelve hours and noted in the morning the tumours hadn't increased, one was actually a touch smaller, and i had some normal colour back in my cheeks.

a few minutes later i got a phone call from the nursing home that mum was ailing again and seriously so. i'd had a dream last week that she was in her process, leading her own checkout. as she got into a coffin on her own she said something to me that at the time galvanized me into this new direction. so this morning i thought, wow, this is a replay of what happened last time... just after i gain ground and have some improvement to profit from, circumstances conspire to give me a chance to react according to programming and spend it all at the expense of setback and loss for me and only partial gain for mum... now i can choose a different reaction in keeping with new understandings not distorted by pathos and drama that would be of benefit to both parties. thank you universe!

barb and i first drove to caledon to receive the 550pound shipment that will soon become the clinic's infrared sauna and i was delighted to have enough strength to break apart some lingering ice on the walkway that needed to be cleared so the palette could be evenly rested by the door to the storage room. afterwards we drove to saint catharines and i made a brief check in with mum, finding that she was not ailing physically at all, but that her dementia is in clear acceleration. she never fails to recognize me, and today she added a 'thank god you're here!' but beyond that she was deeply and utterly confused and could not sit still for me to give her any comfort. instead she began literally dragging me this way then that through the building on wild goose chases. i thought to book some time with myself tonight to repertorize her anew, see if i can do something further to calm her down, when an inner mandate broke through and told me to put her distress to the attending physician to solve. perhaps there's a mild anti-psychotic or tranquilizer that would be useful. i have to focus on my own threading of the needle here. if i play nurse to my mother one more time, i will certainly not make it and i at last accept this. rather than feeling guilty, i felt elated to be making some good decisions and exercising self-care. i'm not abandoning my mother, i'm surrendering to the situation of her creation and the supports she has chosen for herself. its one thing to make phone calls and get the system to work at its best for her, its another entirely to take her out of it and take on the job myself.

truth be told, last night things were looking so grim my friend had an understandable breakdown which she kept from me until i turned the corner so dramatically today. she called on her community to say prayers for me while during the night as i drifted in and out of sleep i worked on my own resonance so that i might more easily accept the love of god, krishna, buddha, christ, mother earth, all the avatars within us waiting for deployment. really uncovering how little i feel i deserve, the deep tracks of unworthiness that have poisoned my life. it helped me turn a corner indeed and now there's no going back. this picture is from a few hours ago, let's call it, 'not dead yet...' :)

me and aspect/ETF therapist, business partner and friend, barbara. krishna krishna hare hare! thankyou for these gifts!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014


a few days ago it became clear that i'd lost my edge and needed to shake myself up more than a little. i'm now couchsurfing and living a bit like a gypsy, following an overwhelming need for change and some alone time in the wilderness so to speak. the cancer has blossomed beyond my wildest expectations... it quickly took the inch stress gave it to spread to bone and throughout the abdomen... i have tumours all over the ribs and sternum, in the subclavicular notch, along the spine (but not attached to it), the sides of the body, and in the groin. so far the inner organs are holding it off which pleases me greatly for as a homeopathic empiricist would observe, my body is keeping tumour activity to the exterior shell of the body, protecting organs of greater importance, which means vital force is still strong. the pain has been quite intense and while i am med free some days, increasingly i need narcotics just to get thru and keep head above water. i feel more than anything that the net purpose of this acceleration has been to push me at last out of my routines and comfort zones in the most extreme way, to get me to step back from everything familiar, looking at what my life has become with fresh, dispassionate, curious eyes, and to take up, even incautiously, the different paths of self-discovery, transformation and healing that beckon and appeal, no matter the fear, no matter the pain of new. in sum, i'm keeping one foot in a worse-case scenario practicality and one where i truly want to live most of all, a place where anything is possible.

i've been getting lots of attention from the spirit world. lots of teachings. for example, one night my guides, for lack of better term, appeared to literally 'drive' home the point that all is not as it appears. i was leaving the oxygen clinic when i noted the time. it was truly far too late for me to expect to travel the distance and make it to the yoga class i'd planned to sneak in (i was leaving dufferin/401 at 737p and needed to be at chester and danforth for an 815 class). nevertheless, and in spite of the season's last major snow storm adding to all this, something in me pushed to keep to plan. as i was driving along the still-congested-from-rush-hour 401 at snail's pace in heavy blizzard conditions, intuition pushed forward and asked me just how much i've really invested in the notion that space and time, like matter and energy, are fixed and firm and unresponsive to psychic will? it was given to me that i will only come to unlock true healing potentials if i unravel my notions about what's possible. it was close to 8 by now and inconceivable that i could possibly make it to this class. i was asked a pointed question... how much do you want to get there and just what are you able to believe? for if you are willing to believe, you can bend the principles of nature... they are more elastic than you know! if you can believe you will arrive exactly on time with not a second to spare because this class is important to you, we will help you get there, but first you must believe. so i decided to believe.

i did not freak out behind the wheel or get into speed demon slaloming. i kept alert and followed my instinct. each time a doubt would pop into consciousness i would pop it back out. how will i get down the DVP in time? don't look at the clock, just follow the flow. how will i find parking? don't lead with a worry, lead with confidence that everything will move according to intention. sure enough and quite impossibly enough, there was a spot on the street right outside the studio. i made it up the stairs, did my check-in and change room, and was rolling my mat out into the single last spot available in the room just as the teacher was starting the class. yes, i made it and with not a second to loose.

though i've had many experiences like this in my life, i've tended to take them for granted. up until recently i've never much considered what might be possible if i lived according to these expanded laws instead of the limited ones we take as rational and just the way things are. now i need to fully explore the limits of possibilities if i'm to still be here when the snow is gone, so i'm, let's say, motivated in a whole new way.

another example of this, i was staying for a few nights at the oxygen clinic in the quiet room. for some reason i felt the urge to research what the causes of death might be and might be like if this cancer in my lymphatics gets the better of me. i wasn't feeling morbid, i just wanted to know. but as i started researching, i began reading more and more material about end of life issues, and at some point crossed the line from mere detached research to being drawn as if by magnetism into truly seeing myself in the role of a dying person.

we're all going to die, there's no reason at all to avoid the subject. surely its healthy to be cognizant and on speaking terms with how it happens, what it might be like... and what preparations need to be made. but attention follows thought, and something in me must've crossed that line and started to dwell more than absolutely necessary on the subject. i was engrossed and kept reading anyway, soon feeling a kind of resignation for cold company. i'd had a good many days of breathtaking pain and profligate tumours joining the party, one after another after another, so it's easy to understand why i might've been temporarily fascinated to consider every possibility. still, opening the door to death in life is a tricky affair and needs be distinguished from properly being at ease with the subject. the latter can easily lead to the former and when you're walking a fine line, such an unguarded move can have disastrous, unnecessary consequences. the ultimate mind-body deception.

i'd only been reading for less than half an hour when suddenly and with no real physical explanation, my tea cup which i was cradling on my tummy took on a mind of its own, and together with my hand holding it, leapt out of its spot, tipped and emptied itself all over my chest. luckily it wasn't so hot anymore as to do me injury, it just made me jump out of bed, look down at my soaked shirt and, later, giggle at myself a bit. i guess the higher sense in me said enough of that! direction follows attention! this is not the way to go!

the EFT (tapping) i've been learning and now doing on my own a bit has been enormously helpful. it allows me to smooth out fraught situations that need my highest-minded participation so that i'm not adding unnecessary complications or cleverly sabotaging as i've tended to. more important, tapping's been allowing me to keep from being put off my center or influenced by negative factors or other people's conditioning or unconsciousness. this was especially helpful today when i had to consult with my GP in order to change my narcotics prescription. i knew at some point it would be part of his professional responsibilities to tell me that i am, in western medicine's view, terminal, with recourse only to palliative care, and that further, i have very little time left. this can be a powerfully unsettling thing for people to hear and it can turn a situation of limitless potential into a self-limiting one that bears out the hocus pocus of death prognoses. knowing it was coming i did some tapping before and it stood me in such good stead. i was able to take the opportunity to get my end-of-life wishes appended to my medical records, something that needs to be done whether you'll be needing them sooner or later. i was also able to make some choices about which palliative care ward at which hospital i would enter if such a thing becomes necessary, and knowing all these details have been settled is a great relief... i can focus on continuing to do, two steps forward one back on the ultimate highbeam, what they say can't be done.

o yeah, in a few days time i will be at a retreat center for five days doing a training in colon hydrotherapy which i'm super stoked to do. having goals to look forward to and new tools at hand with which to build a new professional life are just as important, if not more, than all the other things i'm doing as i gaily dance this dance of dances. olé!!

Friday, March 14, 2014

"An artist must have downtime, time to do nothing. Defending our right to such time takes courage, conviction, and resiliency. Such time, space, and quiet will strike our family as a withdrawal from them. It is. An artist requires the upkeep of creative solitude. An artist requires the time of healing alone. Without this period of recharging, our artist becomes depleted.... We strive to be good, to be nice, to be helpful, to be unselfish. We want to be generous, of service, of the world. But what we really want is to be left alone. . . . " [Julia Cameron, from The Artist's Way]

Thursday, March 13, 2014

progress process...

yesterday i was gifted a consult with a channeler working in the tradition of jane roberts and the seth material who gave me a reading and an energy treatment. there is no time to waste and i am very clear about the path forward and what it requires. suitably i experienced a grave bump in my pain and symptoms, but can see very acutely the forests of self-deception from the trees of truth, and will honour down to the last detail what my body demands of me, step by step, fear by fear, challenge by challenge, come what may, come what might.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

"Recently I was teaching from a Buddhist text called The Way of the Bodhisattva, which offers guidance to those who wish to dedicate their lives to alleviating suffering and to bringing benefit to all sentient beings. This was composed in the eighth century in India by a Buddhist master named Shantideva. In it he has an interesting point to make about peace. He says something along the lines of “If these long-lived, ancient, aggressive patterns of mine that are the wellspring only of unceasing woe, that lead to my own suffering as well as the suffering of others, if these patterns still find their lodging safe within my heart, how can joy and peace in this world ever be found?”

Shantideva is saying that as long as we justify our own hard-heartedness and our own self-righteousness, joy and peace will always elude us. We point our fingers at the wrongdoers, but we ourselves are mirror images; everyone is outraged at everyone else’s wrongness." [Pema Chodron]

mummy dearest...

Last week, after making great strides into new lands of painlessness and tumour necrosis, I got word that my mother had a bad fall, the result of being allowed to lapse into anorexia and depression in a nursing home built around pharmacological solutions to the problems of aging and dementia. For a very long while I've felt that 'if only' I could get mum recourse to the holistic treatments at the cutting edge for her complaints she might have a chance at health and happiness and a brighter end to her dark times on this earth. I also thought the timing was ideal as I had a new and welcome fund of energy in my body accounts and could reasonably expect to pay it forward somewhat. Even more, I felt a call towards to some new, more enlightened resolutions in relationship with my progenitor abuser, a mostly dysfunctional relationship that has many times fallen into a pendulum swing between either keeping distance or martyring myself in toxic immersions. Surely if I could achieve a more functional dispassion and higher sense here it would translate into other areas in my life affected by the fallout from this primary, right-to-the-bone relationship.

I drove down to St. Catharines (noting an instant inflammatory sensation in my lungs that felt part anxiety/panic and part feverish anticipation... my body clearly was distressed at the prospect of carrying out my rescue plans!) and arranged to take her back with me to spend the week in Toronto getting her back on feet. She was in a terrible state of dehydration, constitutional depletion and morose apathy. She could not walk unaided, stank of urine, and had extensive bruising on her left cheek, breast, leg, and tenderness in the ribs. We were able to exclude the possibility of a rib fracture, organ damage or any other serious injury. Angels!

We knew enough to rent a transport chair and buckled down in the face of the challenge of getting her in and out of the building where we live... it involves driving the car down a narrow side alleyway to a loading bay that was recently and stupidly retrofitted so that in place of an open bay that permitted vehicles to enter there are now double doors that catch on the asphalt and are prevented from opening more than a crack. A person can barely squeeze thru, nevermind someone in a wheelchair. I had to get her out of the car, into the chair, out of the chair, collapse the chair, bring it thru the doors while keeping her steady on her feet and ministered thru the narrow opening, back in the chair, down the uneven concrete to the freight elevator, up three floors to a victorian-era lift that terrifies me (but didn't seem to bother her in the slightest) ... you have to get on board, pull down on a handle that hisses in or out the gas that needs fill or release the pump for what seems forever (anywhere from 2-5 minutes) only to without warning have the platform lurch up or down the three feet between one level and the other. Only then were we on level hardwood with just one last hallway to travel to get to the studio. Then it was back downstairs to retrieve the car, reverse it down the narrow lane congested with parked cars on one side irregularly arranged and often sticking out into the passageway making getting out or in difficult on the nerves, and back around the block to our parking spot, cutting thru on foot by the unkempt garbage bins and back up three flights of stairs and across the inside of building to get back to the studio. No small sweat indeed.

The fact that she needed assistance with everything from toilet, to dressing, to eating was no bother to me, I actually quite enjoyed it since it seems I'll never have children of my own. In fact the best part of the experience for me happened when I tucked her into bed one night and in a lucid moment she smiled and thanked me for being her mother. I told her I loved doing it, something that was absolutely true. The only spot of irritation that came forward in me was on the weekend when my husband, who was not troubled with mum's visit except in helping me by going down to move the car on our arrivals so that I didn't have to leave her alone, offered that he was going away for the weekend. I lapsed into an old passive behaviour but only briefly. I smouldered for a few minutes making clear that I was furious (an over the top response, granted, but by day three I was doing poorly health-wise, in fact barely making it thru the day and could not see how I could cope logistically or emotionally if left on my own with her for two days)... so, as I am newly learning how to, I checked myself at the passive aggressive door and spoke up instead. He agreed to cancel his plans which, he shared, were only arranged an hour before I got home. I couldn't suppress another wave of anger at this, feeling that he made those plans in the first seeing full well what a struggle it was for me to manage, for I reasoned, rightly or wrongly, that I'd been set up to yet again be seen by his friends to be cramping his style because of this cancer... (if I had my full strength no support from him would've been required). Luckily wisdom interceded. I immediately recognized that I had been gifted this scenario at this exact moment so that yet again my overweening concern for what other people think (inherited from mother), and my indignation around the set-up of appearances, could be tweaked, not to consternate me, but to encourage me to release these and let the fuck go worrying about other people's opinion of me!

(My husband, it must be said, is a devoted helpmate, making the homemade lypospheric vitamin C on which I so depend, growing sprouts, and supporting us both financially while my own income is still arriving in dribs and drabs. We've discussed many times that for him, the best coping mechanism is to carry on with his life and interests as if all is well and I agree that this is a good strategy. If, on occasion, I need to ask for a special allowance or change in plans because of the new normal of the moment, I must reconcile myself to this and not denature into pride and unrealistic expectations of self-sufficiency. For all these reasons I am always grateful for the sequence of events these days that so pointedly keeps encouraging me to alter course, alter habit, alter notions for highest and best.)

Once I got mum cleaned up and a few meals in her belly I took her for hyperbaric oxygen which had a near miraculous effect. Prior, she could hardly string two words together and was chronically slumped over in her seat. Afterwards she was speaking in whole sentences, sitting up alertly, and cracking witticisms in the car ride home. The more nutrition and supplementation she got with lypospheric C, curcumin and coconut oil, the more she rebounded. It was only when she computed that a) she would eventually be returning to the home and b) that her return to health would circumvent her addiction to negative attention and the culture of complaint, did she turn sour on me again.

It was most notable when I took her to work with me one day and she met my employer and dear friend Barbara who is a source of unconditional warmth, kindness and support. We arranged mum in a chair at the kitchen table with us while we had tea and snacks and talked a bit about the week ahead in business. As soon as I diverted my attention to Barbara my mother withdrew her alertness and instantly put on a downcast, dejected and depressed mask. Within a few minutes she was back to her conversion routine, complaining of symptoms that were non-existent for days but now were reported with such conviction I had no choice but to set in motion plans to take her to ER at Mt. Sinai... with psychosomatic patients you can never be really sure if the complaint is organic or functional and with lower quadrant pains its better to be safe than sorry. In the meantime and with a view to the possibility she might right herself with some TLC, I took her into a treatment room and got her settled on a couch with a blanket, held her hand and put my other on her abdomen. After a half hour the grimace left her face, she resumed normal and declined the offer to go to the ER.

I have no doubt she had pain come up for I understand better now how people who are ill-equipped psychologically to deal with inner conflict communicate that distress into the body where it can be experienced as acceptable, concrete physical symptoms. Mother could not handle that, for a brief interlude, she was not the center of my attention. Being the center of my attention had become a narcotic for her and now her drug was, to her experience, abruptly withdrawn, even though she was constantly referenced and included in our discussion. I could tell she resented Barbara on sight, likely because she intuitively felt the affection in connection we share. Mother was always oriented to rivalry with other women and coquetry with men, something I squirmed with for decades. The other factor at play, with the advanced Alzheimer's, mental effort is obviously outside bounds. Between mother and daughter there was a communication that needed no words. Here at lunch she couldn't participate because it was all words and complex new ideas.

That night I took her for a second hyperbaric but the treatment was only half taken as she was so thoroughly distressed by the afternoon that she restlessly kept trying to sit up and exit the chamber and so we had to cut short her dive time, which meant cutting short mine as well since I was gifted a much needed dive for myself at the same time. This was our third day together and I was already in a clear second relapse trying to make the best of a deteriorating situation. My pain and inflammation were back and intolerable enough that I was chowing down on percocets again and sleeping poorly. Tumour activity was back in high gear and I was not surprised to find new nodules everywhere... groin, solar plexus and along the ribs and spine, and in the clavicular notch. After mum was put to bed my husband and I had a pointed conversation where he likened the situation to me sacrificing my life for a woman who had lived hers and lived it selfishly and at my expense... that it was insane to be putting myself thru another relapse for someone incapable of recognizing my sacrifice. In fact at no time during mum's stay with us did she ever ask after my health. I didn't expect her to, for the entire time I've known her she has never been able to see me as a separate person. If I do well and accomplish merits its not worth mentioning because its obviously down to the fact that I'm her daughter. If I don't do well, its because I'm not. Either way, I only exist as an extension of her ego, nothing more nor less.

I took her the next day for a consult with my ND and an intravenous treatment. The prospect of being seen by a male doctor is her joie de vivre and that morning she was radiant and completely transformed from the shred of a person I picked up a mere few days earlier...

my mummy. if you're human you will always love your mother no matter what.

The IV greatly boosted her physicals and for a short time she enjoyed some bonhomie, hugging and kissing all the strangers at the clinic before we left in a rare show of human warmth.

Sunday I was to take her home but she was so downcast and dejected I suggested she needed a day of full rest. She stayed in her pjs until dinner, something I don't think she's ever allowed herself to do in her life. I put on Ken Burns' documentary about the West since she has lately taken to talk of her early life on the farm as if it were yesterday. I was happy to see her entranced by photographs of immigrants, badlands and bison and such.

Monday I could go no farther so we took her back to the nursing home and as expected, the nurses lavished her with attention for the evident improvement in her comportment, appearance and health. As soon as they did and I chimed in with how amazed I too was with this fantastic turn-around, she got very angry with me and yanked my arm brusquely, insisting that she was still sick and I was telling lies. I got her settled in her room and diverted her vanity... she was easily drawn back into the mirror and her lipstick and hair and preparations for being seen by the other residents, and away from scolding me for suggesting she might find health and happiness where she clings to this poor-me identity of untold suffering that needs be inflicted on everyone else.

Even though I paid a heavy relapse price for the experience, I felt so much more psychologically robust after the experience. I could see my mother plainly for what she is, not for what I endlessly want to transform her into. I could also see there is limited use for any effort to improve her lot and that any further heroic measures are contra-indicated. She is now set up with some very good supplements on her dispense list and if she chooses she can always come for another weekend to get more IV or O2 treatment if she wishes it, but so far she's not indicated any desire for it, as it produced an improvement not deeply enough desired. This gifted me with a definite sense of closure and the advent of a healthy sense of self-preservation on my part. I will never again risk my own life trying to heal what cannot be healed. It was largely a selfish motivation anyway as I wanted to enjoy some semblance of a normal relationship with a mother capable of expressing love and compassion and interest in me. She has done quite enough for my benefit, being generous with her dividend earnings last year which paid for 90% my treatment. Nowhere is it written that we should have everything we desire of a normal life and that's as it should be.

The mother life gifted me with has taught me by indirect method what it means to be resilient, optimistic, constructive, adaptive, cheerful, charitable, and creative. To teach me these fantastic things she has had to live a life of pain, constriction, brittleness, negativity, destructiveness, bitterness, stinginess, and boredom. In the agreement between us she has sacrificed everything for me. Seeing it thru this new lens serves so much better than to feel badly that she was also a violent tormentor, a nasty, brutish, and selfish woman with distressingly loving and loyal tendencies overshadowed by the formers, entirely understandable as distortions produced by the incredible ordeal of her own life story.

The forgiveness I thought I'd achieved was often a shroud hiding a pestilent masochism underneath it. Now this forgiveness and this love feel real and vital and serving the self-respect so vital to my going forward.

I have been very ill since Monday but am happy to say that the simple knowledge that my worsening of symptoms could and would be reversed yet again has kept me from fear and anxiety. For the first time in three days I woke today feeling slightly better. That means that I will catch up to the lead the cancer got on me again in no time. I expect to be back off the pain meds by next week and to be into resolution of these new nodules shortly after that. It's in keeping with natural laws that to achieve psychological clearing and improvement in perceptual skills one often needs to endure an acute physiologic episode.

"A desire to take medicine is, perhaps, the great feature which distinguishes man from other animals. Why this appetite should have developed, how it could have grown to its present dimensions, what it will ultimately reach, are interesting problems in psychology. Of one thing I must complain, - that when we of the profession have gradually emancipated ourselves from a routine administration of the nauseous mixtures on every possible occasion, and when we are able to say, without fear of dismissal, that a little more exercise, a little less food, and a little less tobacco and alcohol, may possibly meet the indications of the case - I say it is a just cause of complaint that when we, the priests, have left off the worship of Baal, and have deserted the groves and high places, and have sworn allegiance to the true god of science, that you, the people, should wander off after all manner of idols, and delight more and more in patent medicines and be more than ever at the hands of advertising quacks. But for a time it must be so. This is yet the childhood of the world, and a supine credulity is still the most charming characteristic of man." (William Osler, MD: 'Recent Advances in Medicine,' Science, 27 March 1891)

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


i've had four treatments on the quantum biofeedback L.I.F.E. system and the results are miraculous. i've known that the center of gravity of this illness is in the emotional/psychological body but have had mixed results getting my hands on it so to speak....  this modality is wonderful for just that, but it also serves to identify organic imbalances and reprograms those to the correct frequencies for health and healing. i've astonished the practitioners with the pace of my clearing and my retention of the new frequencies! as i'm fond of telling them, just give me an inch and i'll take a yard! i don't believe cancer need be fatal. its all a gross misunderstanding.

since these treatments began tumor activity in my body has slowed and in some areas stopped altogether. my energy is great and improving daily, i'm doing the more strenuous of the hot yoga classes without difficulty and with considerable elation. my emotional baggage, considerable at first diagnosis (depression, disappointment, anguish, attachment issues etc) have cleared to the point that i no longer score for any emotional stress or neurotic patterning whatsoever, something i can appreciate myself from the constantly improving, more comprehensive outlook and capabilities i feel emerging from deep within me every single day. the pain that required narcotic treatment to get me out of the loop of diminishing returns has quieted down to the point that i'm off meds entirely and since that pain was coincident with metastatic activity, this is a fantastic sign. in fact, i'm almost completely free of pain at this point.

we know my liver is compromised from a couple months of those percocets but with each treatment it takes less time to clear out the weakened frequencies and input the new. inflammation has been present in lymph and lung and is on a steady decline. the headaches have disappeared down to a slight pulse from time to time. the kidney pain is gone, so too is the back pain and pelvic pain. miraculous!

my protocol of the moment is a couple to three IVs a week, with homemade and liveOn lypospheric vitamin C intercurrently on days off, hyperbaric oxygen, my usual supplements, green juicing and living foods with some cooked protein, and lots of emotional work with EFT (tapping).

evidence of more angelic intervention, my employer reached out to a renowned medical intuitive and psychic who has stopped giving personal readings. they discussed my case briefly and moved on to other business as she is focused now on training other healers to do the work she does and my employer has interests in this area. then the intuitive made a surprising move and decided to make an exception in my case. she wants to see me right away, tomorrow morning in fact. this will coincide with transit chiron passing exactly opposite my natal moon, something its been doing since i was diagnosed and will be doing until late this year. its a profound time for healing and finding one's life path out of the detruis of a collapsed old order. angels! angels! angels!

as i am fond of saying because it came to me one night during these quantum medicine sessions, i am healing at the speed of light...................! yes! yes! yes!

Monday, March 3, 2014

"The boundary between behaviour and biology is arbitrary and changing. It has been imposed not by the natural contours of the discipline but by lack of knowledge." (Eric Kandel)