Sunday, December 22, 2013


one drain just out, the second to follow on Christmas Day...
I will be fully updating my accounts here once I'm back to my office... tapping out posts on a phone is too tedious for me at the moment. I expect to be back at work Monday 6 January... my recovery continues to outpace the average thanks to homeopathy and divinely-inspired movement work... I say divinely-inspired as I long ago turned controls over from brain to body intuition, the portal for grace in our lives... listening to the body has become my main passion and the adventure of a lifetime... 

more soon, happy holidays, remember to put the accent on what you can give, what opens the heart, and forget about the rest... :)

Saturday, December 21, 2013

new ideas...

"With three major papers in three major journals after my first year of research, I felt I'd arrived. The world has a way of cutting you down to size, however, and in the science game the method is known as citation. No matter how important your paper is, it doesn't mean anything unless it's cited as a reference in new papers by others and you get a respectable number of requests for reprints. On both counts, I was a failure. I was learning how science treats new ideas that conflict with old ones." [Robert O. Becker, The Body Electric]

Saturday, December 14, 2013

tremendous success!!!

my godsend of a surgeon did a simply fabulous job, this little community hospital was spot on every step of the way...! I was on my feet after only a few hours, surprising the nurses, thank arnica and a positive attitude for that. now is time for lots of rest, gentle but persistent physio, and a recharge of my batteries for a wonderful new year ahead!!!! 

Friday, December 13, 2013

early bird...

just got the call, my little design modification is scheduled for 630a tomorrow... I'm dosing on arnica pre and post and will be eager to return to Toronto as soon as I'm able to resume the last of the hyperbaric and IV supports I have left on my tab, and to do more green juice fasting for the first few weeks... onwards! :)


I found a surgeon tucked away in small town Ontario who speaks my language and put an entirely different spin on my surgical prognosis... as I suspected I was being presented with fear-spin in order to make my compliance with chemo mafioso more likely... I'm having the operation tomorrow, so excited!!!! victory boing-boing-boing!!!!!!

Thursday, December 12, 2013


white team found my CT scan, to their surprise, clear. except for the massive tumour in my breast and a lymph node. this cancer is known to aggressively spread from its first location but my body is holding it off quite spectacularly. what they call a reprieve i call a lot of hard work against many forms of opposition, a minor miracle that's also eating my heart out. they reacted in restrained disbelief that I would seek surgery at this point as it would be very risky for nonhealing, create a large wound and involve a skin graft. the pinhole drain on the breast healed over last night and I felt a day of rest was in order for it. it continued to swell during the day and by the time I got to hospital it was quite enlarged again, looking like a massive tumour... I reiterated a few times that what was presenting here was at least a third fluid... they weren't buying it. the oncologist made chemo treatment sound like a temporary inconvenience limited to a few bad days a week. I explained I wasn't avoiding chemo because I'm afraid of the profound secondary effects, the whole interventionist notion of interfering with and suppressing symptoms instead of cultivating natural laws makes zero sense to me. I'm going out of town tomorrow to consult green team surgeon, see what he has to tell me.


bone scan came back all clear which means I'm still beating the odds on this cancer's spread. today I have a CT scan and consult with white team who wish to urgently persuade me again that chemo and radiation are necessary before any surgical intervention.... I'm always open to their presentations and still determined to travel tomorrow to see what green team surgeon has to say.... and if things look good, I'm going for it... have stopped taking pain meds altogether... :)

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

great news...

the breast continues to drain more than it replenishes and I've been successful in keeping the work of caring for it sterile, comfortable and infection-free.... I haven't even taken a damnable painkiller yet today which is such a relief... it has collapsed to the degree you can't tell I have an affected breast at all anymore!

but the best part, the general surgeon out of town has looked at my charts and agreed to see me on Friday at noon... all things being equal he will operate that night or on the weekend... this is music to my ears!!! the less time I have to run the risk of critical infection, the better... part of me still wants to see how much farther I can neutralize this cancer on my own, but so far I've kept it from brain, bone, or lung and this is a distinct advantage.... and if I play my cards right post-op I can wipe out what remains after surgery and achieve my ambition... a return to health governed by natural laws and minimum intervention... onwards!!! 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


the reason I've chosen to allow a natural drain to form when a surgical one was denied me, if you look at surgical episiotomies versus natural tears you'll see wide variance in healing time and scarification or other complications with the natural tear far superior in outcome compared with the surgical intervention... this fact is often used in other procedures where manual tears are used in lieu of incisions.

busy bee...

on the basis that I've been a restless busy bee, irritable with the less active and experiencing the typical Apis swellings of the eyes, face and this seroma in the breast, I've taken a dose of 6c Apis (that's a low potency)... Apis is also on my constitutional tree as an infant. having dosed I can do my movement practice without any discomfort so far and I haven't taken any painkillers yet today... :) it's during my mat work that I can enjoy how much the breast has reduced... where it was an obstruction I have freedom again... amazing!

thanks for the drain...

doing at home what the surgeons wouldn't try since they didn't believe the ultrasound... from my report this morning to green team... "the breast stopped draining a few hours after we spoke yesterday and partially refilled w fluid overnight so this morning reapplied cabbage leaves and it started to drain again almost immediately... manually expressed as much as could be painlessly squeezed out, more than 2 cups worth... no pain really but my left under eye was puffy translucent and swollen where the sinus is when I woke up...."

there is no evidence of anything being attached to the chest wall and the breast is almost half the size it used to be with the one spot of hard mass clearly distinguished from the rest of the soft drained tissues... the colour looks good and I feel relief but I'm not entirely comfortable with my risk of secondary infection... made more phone calls and hoping for headway. if not, I'll just have to keep making my own way under adverse conditions and without complaint... MANTRA: everything that's happening is helping me take the road most suited to learning and healing....!

Monday, December 9, 2013

waters have broken...

after getting politely shut out of all three main hospitals I approached for surgical relief of local symptoms on account of my position on chemo, I decided this is a good thing... all through this I've taken position that body knows best when it comes to healing... the breast is already hugely reduced with all the serous fluid that's drained once it finally broke through earlier today... I'm keeping vigilant with sterile protocols, hot compresses, cabbage leaves and diluted hydrogen peroxide sprays... I will get ozone and hyperbaric once the acute phase of the drain is over... I remain optimistic I will get the surgery I need if I really need it... certainly they won't be able to argue that its too large a mass to proceed in spite of my insistence this was at least half fluid... 

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


"As the soft yield of water cleaves obstinate stone,
So to yield with life solves the insoluble.

It is said, 'There's a way where there's a will,'
But let life ripen and then fall,
Will is not the way at all:
Deny the way of life and you are dead."

Saturday, November 30, 2013

first observation...

on inspection last night the pockets of protrusion on the lateral and underside of the breast were almost black with visible dark blood within and only the thinest membrane enclosing them... very close to becoming broken abscesses... following overnight plussing of homeopathic arnica the areas were pink this morning with only a small black dot in each... this is a very promising sign that arnica may be an agent I can use to reabsorb the hematoma, however I can't rule out that the clearing was brought on by a few hours rest on my back overnight, so I will need to see more improvement before I claim success... enjoying the chanting at this retreat, its another form of vibrational medicine that can't be beat...! 

Friday, November 29, 2013

continuing to take matters into my own hands...

the report generated by the radiologist of the ultrasound i had a few days ago seems to rule out the presence of a simple seroma, and in fact his suggestive interpretations lead me to some different conclusions than the surgeons and physicians i've seen.

he describes the lesion as now 12cm in size, but how much of this is tumour and how much is cystic components remains for a CT scan to indicate. what he was able to describe was "a central cystic component with solid circumferential soft tissue..."

he goes on to conclude that without other imaging he can't be sure if this represents "necrotic tumour, a combination of tumour and infection, or tumour and hematoma."

the dream i had almost 15 years ago which presaged this event in my life saw me feeling an uncontrollable urge to manually express the contents of a mass in the right breast. when i began to milk it out the side, the mass was painlessly evacuated and produced a mixture of old blood and pus... pus, of course, is an immune-system reaction, and since the start of this adventure i've been using a variety of treatment methods to cue up my immune system and alert it to the need for action against the invader.

its obvious to me that what has been producing the increase in size these last few weeks is not tumour growth, but rather a dramatic reaction produced by the death of this primary tumour.... that's what the radiologist meant when he suggested this result could be necrotic tumour activity and i note that this was the first of his suggestions.

i decided this time around to really take my time and meet with all three of the cancer teams local to me... mount sinai, princess margaret, and sunnybrook.

without an appointment, the surgeon at mt sinai took one look at the copies of all my tests and diagnostics and immediately made time to see me and without making me wait at all. an esteemed gentleman with decades of experience and much recommended by former patients, he was very tolerant at the outset with respect to the choices i've made, but he would not concede that the dramatic increase in size this month could be part of the body's healing process, or that this tumour necrosis (the breast center, after all, is filled with fluid, not tumour, the remaining tumour has been pushed to the circumference, and this is in keeping with how tumours die, from the inside out...) was an indicator that in fact what i've been doing _is_ working. he preferred to sum up that i've wasted 6 months and by just looking at the size of my jane mansfield it hasn't worked. this was fine and expected, i don't consult with specialists because i want them to approbate the direction i've taken, rather i rely on the oppositional view as an impetus for further study, learning, questioning, and to help me refine and define my choices.

he was not open to the idea of surgery without neo-adjuvant chemo (4 months) and then post-modified radical mastectomy another year of chemo and radiation. he advised that because there's no normal breast parenchyma visible, he couldn't save the skin of the breast, which makes the surgery, recovery, and the remaining scar a more complex proposition.

we also know from the cursory investigation of axillary lymph during the ultrasound that metastasis is currently not limited to the one palpable lymphoma, but rather involves "multiple abnormal axillary lymph nodes, ranging in size up to 3cm... some lymph nodes have no fatty hila and look highly suspicious."

thusly the surgeon would be aiming to remove all my axillary lymph as well. every instinct i have continues to want to avoid this, and in fact, any major surgery. instead, i still want to explore every possibility of our body's innate powers to reverse disease and repattern tissues. i've read too many accounts of verified examples of such healing to be curtailed.

i have consults with two other surgeons next week, CT and bone scans, and meetings with oncologists and radiologists. i've researched the standard chemo regime in this country for TNBC and am getting up to speed on the questions i will have for these specialists. its not sufficient to my purposes anymore to simply refuse chemo and radiation, i need to be able to present the evidence i find persuasive, allow for their reply and hope for real dialogue. not because i intend to capitulate, i just want a complete experience.

still, there is no question, if i can't source by my own powers a method of reducing the size of this balloon-of-a-breast in pretty short order, i'll have to have surgery. whether i can find a surgeon willing to work with me outside the chemo radiation arena remains to be seen, but if i want what i want i'll have to find one. i'll be following up on monday with a tip to a general surgeon out of the city who may be willing to play ball, and if he's game, this will be a great backup plan to have at the ready. my green team would be able to travel to me post-op to give me additional recovery support in the form of IVs and ozone and once i'm local again, i'll be able to do a week of intensive double-diving in the hyperbaric chamber as this form of oxygen under pressure is notoriously effective in wound healing.

in the meantime i had a flash of inspiration into something so obvious i almost missed it. homeopathic arnica is brilliant for reducing hematomas and reabsorbing extravasated blood. it's also on my constitutional tree from childhood when i was quite characterized by its leading qualities. starting tonight i'll begin taking arnica in low potency, plussing, and if it feels necessary, i'll move up the potency scale first to an LM and then 1M to 10M and see how it affects the lesion.

i'm also looking much forward to a retreat this weekend at the dharma center that couldn't be more well-timed or topically relevant....

Buddha ShakyaMuni's descent from the Joyful Land Tushita
Prayer to Buddha ShakyaMuni and the Great Thousand-hand Thousand-eye Avalokiteshvara (Chenrezig). Tsog offering which helps to create merits and restore degenerated spiritual vows and commitment. Dharma teaching “The Heart Sutra” and meditation.

mount sinai, 28 november 2013

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

my jane mansfield...

a few weeks ago i felt the urge to conduct a little experiment on account of the advent of small protruding sacs of fluid on the lateral side of the breast... i would darken the bathroom and take a flashlight to area, and to my surprise it illuminated in a way that made me wonder if this growth spurt was all or at least part edema? maybe this wasn't a massive tumour signaling its dominance over my efforts to constrain and ultimately neutralize it, maybe the buoyancy i felt when handling it and the other indicators suggested something else. i love playing detective!

white team was confident it was all tumour and thusly set in motion a 'palliative' mastectomy, but i'm in no rush. i asked for an ultrasound in the meantime and was incredibly relieved when my sonographer turned out to be a lovely eastern-european lady (sorry to generalize, but, on average, eastern-europeans tend to be more open to natural medicine than their western counterparts) who listened carefully to my account as to why i'd asked for the ultrasound and how i was hoping she could shed further light on my observations... she was fascinated by my jane mansfield and got totally absorbed in the task of how to depict it for the radiologist. both of her probes weren't big enough for my boob-of-art so she spent double the usual consult time to fully capture all the information possible. she kept repeating she'd never seen anything like this before.... there's still a tumour visible against the chest wall (i will get dimensions and better info once we have the radiologists report) but the bulk of my jane mansfield is all......... FLUID!

this has many implications. it could be that what's left of the tumour is obstructing the normal drainage channels of the breast, it could also be that my body has been using the fluid to protect itself from the trauma of the invasive growth. it could also be a reaction to something else, a supplement, a mineral imbalance, there's much that still needs to be discovered!

yesterday when i was lying in the dark watching the sonographer's screen there were too many occasions when i could swear i was seeing the outline of a fetus in its amniotic sac. the resemblance was uncanny and made me feel in the presence of something truly profound. that's one of the many facets of this living symbol i'm carrying. the difference between a symbol and a sign, it bears repeating, is that a sign refers to only one possible meaning, whereas a symbol is complex and dynamic enough to contain many possible inferences within the beguiling gauze of its net.

regardless of the physical 'cause' to be uncovered in the next few weeks, from a symbologist's point of view, this tumour has created its own womb, its own amniotic sac, all in an effort to get through to me. i even recall a few days ago thinking to myself, if jane mansfield keeps growing like this, the skin will break and i'll have cause to announce that my water has broken. this struck me as the start of a ripening irony.

i've asked white team to research if there is a minimally invasive procedure that could drain the breast, but just to have all my options on deck... recall the situ when dealing with a blister. its always recommended to avoid, even with a sterile needle etc, the pricking and draining of the fluid since you risk infection and incomplete healing. my preference will be to leave jane alone and figure out some novel, natural way to reduce her size. its her size and the strain on my fascia and nerve net that has me on percocets which i dislike immensely.

green team has some ideas as well, they're also trying to help me spread the treatments i have left out over as much time as possible since there's no money left for anything... i've started coming into 'work' everyday at a satellite green clinic in the country just a short drive from toronto so that i can have peace and solitude to continue my studies and writing and to offer the seva of housekeeping alongside some ideas i have to help build the business up at this location. its an amazing opportunity to create a role and immerse myself in a workplace environment that's in accord with my aptitudes and interests and that allows me to every day develop my knowledge and apply it in the service of the wellbeing of others.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

frontiers and follies look the same...

In the last couple days I've entered new territory, I now have to be taking narcotic painkillers which means I'm under their influence when I do my practice of breathwork, spontaneous movement and shaking interspersed with slow asana-based fascial stretching. Without the meds I have more limited range, so while on them I'm taking advantage in this game of chicken... I'm pressing forward into deeper practices because I believe in the therapeutic powers of breath, awareness, and the raising of prana or qi. It's not for no reason these practices have persisted in human culture, in their doing they take us beyond and before the degradation of sense civilization has inflicted on us. It permits that return to the first Edenic garden of at-one-ment with Mother Earth, and while I'm alive I intend to resurrect it and know it.

Friday, November 22, 2013


another present that came my way thanks to mum, today I got my first bottle of pandimex... with all the previous oxygen treatments, my body is prepped and ready and slurping it up! excited! I also got more test results that show remarkable pictures of health. I lost a little more body fat but put on a couple pounds of pure muscle!!! thank you yoga!!! not only that, the bio impedance test says I'm suddenly retaining a large amount of water that wasn't there last month!!! wonder where???? for the first time in weeks there was no increase in the lesion size this morning and I stopped taking painkillers... all because I broke a spell last night. onwards!

"Pandimex is a product that is created from a preparation of ginseng. Several anti-malignant mechanisms of Pandimex have been eluicdated at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver Canada, documented case studies, and clinical studies are giving significant evidence for the use of certain ginsenosides in the treatment of cancer. This therapy has been approved as a chemotherapeutic agent in the republic of Georgia and clinical trials in hospital settings are underway. Pandimex contains several different ginsenosides or components of the ginseng extract to exhibit a collective range of anti-malignant effects which include:

  • Induction of Differentiation- When differentiation is induced in malignant cells, they start to resemble normal cels along with their normal replication rate and cell cycle.
  • Apoptosis of Cancer cells Through Different Mechanisms-  Apoptosis means programmed cell death and is a main goal in the treatment of cancer. when multiple pathways for the signaling of cell death in cancer cells utilized, tumors become more targeted and susceptible to the therapy. As malignant cells and responses to agents can vary within the same tumor, a multi-faceted approach can be very beneficial. This is why more than on chemotherapeutic drug is often used in therapy.
  • Multi-Drug Resistance (MDR) Reversal- One component of Pandimex called dammarange spogenins has the ability to inhibit a protein pump found on MDR cancer cells. By inhibiting this pump MDR cancer cells become more susceptible to naturopathic and conventional chemotherapeutics. Evidence suggests synergistic action with conventional chemotherapies and clinical trials are assessing concurrent administration. In clinical trials reported adverse effects of Pandimex have been minimal.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

plan b...

the bloodwork drawn at the start of november showed some abnormalities consistent with a high inflammation state in the body, but it also showed a near miraculous return to perfect health in liver, kidney and thyroid function. white team wants to perform a palliative mastectomy right away as the lesion has raced ahead of me. i have initiated that road as a backup plan to some other strategies i'm putting into practice as we speak. i told green team i have a three-strikes you're out attitude to the things i try and each time we did local injections near the site the response was incredible pain, dramatic growth and/or some kind of swelling, perhaps consistent with the immune response we're looking for, its hard to say. in order to avoid becoming reliant on narcotics for pain, i decided to go back to injecting in the hip fat.

i remember hearing the case of a woman who had a terrible skiing accident in europe. the wound went gangrene and the doctors wanted the amputate. the woman refused, started bruising the leaves of cabbage, wrapping the affected area and eating large amounts of raw cabbage. the wound healed rapidly. i believe the body might have a better idea how to get rid of this than any surgeon and i'm prepared to go quite far off the beaten track before i opt for plan b.

the michelle show...

... is really beginning to get on my nerves. and my tits!

at least this was what i was feeling yesterday. increasingly i'm able to observe myself from a tertiary point, neither in the dream of life, nor out of it, but at a third vantage that encompasses both. and yesterday i could feel it all, as the song goes. on the one hand i was watching the calculated efforts of the idealized ego, where we feel all our goodness, beauty and truth resides. its the part of the self that knows how to pace a good conversation, how to really be there for another person so that the alchemy of narrative can work its golden magic. i can't tell you how many people i've met at the clinic have exclaimed at some point that they don't know why they're telling me these things... they're things they don't readily tell people even in their intimate circles. i point out its often easiest to unburden yourself to a stranger, what i don't say is that people are extraordinarily drawn to those walking the edge between death and life. they intuitively piggyback on the inflection we reflect back to the world, a certain frame on looking... it benefits everyone to look at experience with a nod to its fleeting nature, its unitarian innocence, and our potential to rotate every moment away from ignorant suffering into presents of joy, love, and nonviolence. from this vantage you can no longer harm yourself anymore than you could another. you're no longer perplexed by the many forms and visages and circumstances that light up and darken the theater of experience, you experience the ugly-beautiful ineffable animating it all. nobody owns inspiration, nobody owns knowledge, nobody owns matter except a mind that makes it so.

i noticed yesterday that i was watching myself more cynically so that i could be released of my idealizations... watching how i perform the michelle show in order to control the room and to draw attention to myself whether i am speaking or silent, whether i'm aware of this or not... i haven't really been aware of this until i saw it in an abrupt shift of view yesterday. i have no other channel on my TV set and i have to let go of this habit as it's draining me of energy. what a refreshment to be able to see this, acknowledge it, and let it go!

i've started wanting to be alone. particularly the more pain i'm in, the more i spin my wheels without getting breakthroughs, the more i feel drawn away from giving of my energy to others. not all forces to which we are subject are righteous, some of them must be neutralized into a more moderate approach.

when i woke this morning i realized i must resist putting my needs at center or withdrawing from my habit of talking with anyone who engages me. it will not help or make anything better. it would actually lead to pure frustration, especially during a saturn transit to a natal sun square mars aspect. our dealings with other people are the classroom of our lives, its how we take the edges off or sharpen them up. people who cut with their edges, being abrasive with anger and rhetoric, they've always been a constant presence in my life, from parents forward. from them i've acquired the on-going art of neutralizing, and to them i owe a debt of gratitude. but not my life.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

ice cream...

i've been having this recurrent and to me perplexing dream of coming awake finding myself deep into the act of eating burnt caramel ice cream or some other dessert, something so decadent and rich in its nightime sleepland creation that i can not only still taste it, i can confirm in myself a true detachment from any desire for those kinds of overly saturated short gain deep gouge pleasures. anyway i come to awareness eating this ice cream and realize to my horror that my actions are giving death an edge by feeding the cancer inside me. i enter this dual state where i think i've doomed myself, so what's the point anyway, might as well eat the ice cream... but since i'm also having the dream, i start influencing its course, i'm the awareness that understands i'm being spoken to directly about being able to practice the art of refraining.

for weeks i've been tormenting myself thinking the message was dietary, driving myself nuts (pun intended) but after exhaustive research and experimentation i finally realized the ice cream of my dream isn't in my diet at all.

Monday, November 18, 2013


turns out my family never called the investment in my treatment a waste. i learned a good lesson about relying on primary sources from now on because i caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain over nothing. lessons lessons lessons on how to stop being that proxy voodoo doll! i am now back on track with IV materials and hyperbarics provided for until january. that's all there is and will be so its really now or never. the rest is up to me. started a course of poly-mva today and i reacted quite strongly. it was only these last few weeks that i've had occasion to take a couple percocets for breakthru pain, i was ever so grateful for them tonight.

anyway, this is me pressing on because that's just what you do when the fire of life still burns bright in you... onwards!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

doctors themselves are now questioning the validity of cytotoxic therapies...

Aims: The debate on the funding and availability of cytotoxic drugs raises questions about the contribution of curative or adjuvant cytotoxic chemotherapy to survival in adult cancer patients. 

Materials and methods: We undertook a literature search for randomised clinical trials reporting a 5-year survival benefit attributable solely to cytotoxic chemotherapy in adult malignancies. The total number of newly diagnosed cancer patients for 22 major adult malignancies was determined from cancer registry data in Australia and from the Surveillance Epidemiology and End Results data in the USA for 1998. 

For each malignancy, the absolute number to benefit was the product of (a) the total number of persons with that malignancy; (b) the proportion or subgroup(s) of that malignancy showing a benefit; and (c) the percentage increase in 5-year survival due solely to cytotoxic chemotherapy. The overall contribution was the sum total of the absolute numbers showing a 5-year survival benefit expressed as a percentage of the total number for the 22 malignancies. 

Results: The overall contribution of curative and adjuvant cytotoxic chemotherapy to 5-year survival in adults was estimated to be 2.3% in Australia and 2.1% in the USA. 

Conclusion: As the 5-year relative survival rate for cancer in Australia is now over 60%, it is clear that cytotoxic chemotherapy only makes a minor contribution to cancer survival. To justify the continued funding and availability of drugs used in cytotoxic chemotherapy, a rigorous evaluation of the cost-effectiveness and impact on quality of life is urgently required. 
Morgan, G. et al. (2004). Clinical Oncology

Saturday, November 16, 2013

me, in a nutshell...

i have to answer the obvious question, why would i go to the inaugural free class of a new studio opened by a woman celebrating her rebounding from standard of care treatment of her own breast cancer when i myself am sporting a very obvious tumour which could only be the result of refusing standard of care?

i had only earlier in the week asked a yoga teacher i know if he could spot me a few classes, there's no budget for such things and i felt drawn to the classroom experience again, practicing with others. he said no by not replying. not answering messages, even the New York Times says, is the new no.

so when later that week i got an invitation from someone i know to check out a free yoga class, i saw it as synchrony, as a sign that the universe would manifest according to need and intention. i looked up where it was and who was offering it and briefly considered how it might look, but the very fact that it would be wide open to misinterpretation made it seem like a gifted opportunity for me... how better to overcome my preoccupation with how things look! i would have to go straight into a touché set-up of appearances, confident of the purity and sincerity of my purpose, and just let the chips fall where they may.

i forgot to mention, many things leading up to the class and afterwards furthered the notion that i was being smiled on by angels... the drive there was smooth, a parking spot magically appeared on first pass around the front of the building when a bell canada van pulled out. as i was getting out of the car another lady with a mat was coming down the street and i smiled and started a conversation with her, which was very enjoyable, full of good feelings, and we ended up walking together the short distance to the class which made breaking the ice of walking in all that more delightful, considering i was worried to feel inferior around the usual yoga crowd, typically so high on achievement and quick judgements.

i've noticed how often teachers will find every excuse to bring up the word 'competitive' when i'm around and i find it really boring. i can't even say that the only person i'm competing with is myself. i loath competition. its why i flash in the pan but loose interest on follow through, because follow through requires you walk through the valley of competition. this idea that your achievement has to come at the expense of someone else's... ie. seeking a short cut to positive self-image that comes from wanting to go deeper and longer than others in the room which is pure folly and ridiculousness... what are you going to do the day someone stronger and better than you in your niche comes along?

i practice yoga the way i do everything..... very intensely, very focused and with no messing around. that's my thing, its gives me pleasure to do life that way when i can and so i do and i put my whole heart into it. some people don't know what to do with that except throw their need to see people in a negative light so they feel more 'enlightened.....' at it. i used to get upset about this, now i'm more philosophical.

you need to be a tough bitch with a soft heart...

interesting experience. got word that the family member i rely on to carry out my mum's wish to help me financially thinks the whole venture a 'waste' of my mother's money. this capped off a day of being tested in my resolve on multiple levels, especially after two days in the dumps when my treatment was interrupted a third time this month because of man-made obstructions coming my way that now make me wonder about sabotage. if what i do works it will force some to have to revise their dogmatisms; never underestimate the lengths people will go to to protect their certainties, i see it in myself all the time... thing is, that night and the next the tumour grew 0.5cm for a total of 1cm which is a HUGE amount. finally i got angry in that way that doesn't take aim at the people opposing me but rather at my own ridiculousness.

am i no better than a proxy voodoo pin doll? am i so vulnerable energetically that i can't stay strong in the face of these kinds of darts? that got me good and pissed off. i instantly felt better. dr. stephen sinatra talked in KNOCKOUT about how people with cancer have to get into their anger and their shadow qualities if they want to survive.

as a result, today i had a fantastic day. green team remarked with relief that they have their 'sunshine' back after a cloudy day friday (i wasn't grumpy or anything on friday, just unnaturally quiet and drawn in appearance).

i started the day at a free yoga class with one of my favorite teachers. i decided to brave the fact that this lady has never received me warmly and instead opened completely into a situation where i don't feel particularly welcome but that i know will have great benefits for me. i have to learn to be among adversarial energies and not cave or self-harm. and so it went wonderfully. it was a 2 1/2 hour astanga class, expertly taught. this teacher who i _much_ admire (probably even more since she's cool towards me, i have a thing for people who don't like me that i'm SO ready to let go of... in fact i'll predict the moment i let go of that aspect for good i will probably end up friends with this woman) she has a beautiful mastectomy scar of which is she very proud, and with good reason. she had a very different kind of cancer from mine that responds to tamoxifen... she also did the regular course of chemo, maybe some radiation, i don't know. it wasn't until i felt more of a frost than usual* that i realized it might be a challenge for her to have a student in her class who is the opposite analogue.... rather than a scar i now have an impossible to ignore turbo breast, a real jane mansfield! but only if you're to my right!

that's when i realized, many people think when you have cancer the honourable thing to do is suffer through chemo and that if you don't, you're irresponsible and weak or vain. you don't want to loose your hair, look eaten out, feel dreadful.

it wasn't until i was in the class that it computed to me that perhaps her avoidance of me at the door and my gaze in class was on account of this. perhaps it seemed like i was trying to show her up by joining her on her big day, opening a new studio. i've been very vocal on social media we share about my feelings about chemo, it would be reasonable to wonder if she took these as a critique of her choices. in any event, for the first time i can ever remember, instead of wilting and going morose and despondent about being rejected socially by someone i really like, and more generally, being misunderstood in my motives, i went into my mat bubble and had a beautiful experience of the class.... i was shocked that i was able to do almost all of it and by how beyond great it made me feel. i went to rejoin humanity and stand centered in my aims without shame or self-reproach and i achieved my ambition.

normally the old me would come home and write an email to this teacher trying to explain myself.... that i have a different kind of cancer that can't be treated as hers was, that i in NO WAY judge her for the choices she made... if i had been living impeccably for over twenty years with good liver and kidney function _at the outset_ i may have considered standard of care, but its still unlikely, and this is what freedom of choice looks like folks. this is my path, my choice, and like it or not, the ship has left harbour. i'm content i've finally started to make choices in accord with my principles, come what may, come what might. in trying to explain myself, i would have also sycophantically emphasized my admiration and respect and created a power polarity that i no longer need. i don't need to idealize people and then expect them to understand or approve of me. even the writings i'm doing here are for my own pleasure and need for expression, yet even lurking in them, tho less and less so, is the deep need to be understood and validated. got. to. let. that. drop.

so i let the experience be what it was, confident that one day she might come around to seeing me differently or not, it makes no difference. nothing needs to be done. i can't tell you how liberated i feel tonight, liberated from years of making bigger messes than i found by trying to fix things, people and situations where i sensed some brewing misunderstanding.... with this one achievement, so much healing can take place.

my green team has been greatly upset these last two weeks with all the turmoil and interruptions and relapsing and have told me that no matter the details, they will find a way for me to continue treatments into january. we started injecting the mistletoe in the remaining unaffected soft tissues around the tumour and i'm having a lot of new sensation and pain tonight which i'm surfing well without any remediation as i want to monitor every detail of what's going on during these next few critical weeks.

tomorrow is my day off, i will be traveling in the early morning to st. catharines to visit with my mum, then back to toronto to go to the dharma center, and then to another free event, a shaking medicine gathering. monday will start a new week where we'll begin a course of Poly-MVA in addition to everything else.

excited by these breakthroughs! i'm getting every manner of angelic assistance each time i don't invest in the negative energies around me. its just like in the books! amazing!

* how many yoga classes start students off by asking them to lie face and belly down on the mat? of course that's the one thing i couldn't possibly do and so i had to remain as i was, the classic sore tooth sticking out, and with a tv crew in the room (a benign thing which no one knew anything about, they were announced at the beginning, it was something put together only the night before). its only now that i'm realizing how far the set-up of appearances went, because by then i was no longer aware of a camera in the room, i was already in my mat bubble** ... meaning, i wasn't thinking so much about how things were looking or people's intentions, i was focusing on maintaining my equipose of mind, letting good energies stream in and out at the sternum, and making the position i was in function like an opening asana, to substitute for the prone position she put the class in. so that means i just went inward and started taking inventory and making adjustments. that's what i do in every yoga pose, i go inward and start taking proprioceptive inventory and then begin making adjustments. they didn't stay in this opening posture long, but yes, i couldn't help register and then neutralize as quickly as i could the sense that i was being sent a very particular message... go away, you're not welcome here. its the human of human things to do. we love to banish some and bring closer others, its how our tribes and families are formed, but its also triggers our primal fears and desires, because to exclude from the circle is to condemn to a harsh existence of uncertain outcome, to bring one in is to experience the nectar of human kindness. however, to the shaman, rejection isn't a negative, the shaman loves to be set upon by the forces of nature, its how the instrument is continuously formed.

** mat bubble refers to my habit of sitting before the class in an open way and then using my mat as a self-contained bubble that i retreat to the moment a class starts... in this way i keep awareness only to myself, its the only way i can do yoga

Friday, November 15, 2013

followup on leg cramps...

after a week of unpleasantness, that single dose of homeopathic cuprum resulted in no cramp overnight and the leg muscles that were most complaining, as if torn, aren't sore anymore at all. i took a second quick dose just now... only having the lactose sugar pills i pop them in my mouth for a few seconds to take the information in and then discard the pills before they dissolve. this works very well for me.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

the case for pairing a ketogenic diet with hyperbaric oxygen in the treatment of cancers...

>>> A combination of nontoxic dietary and hyperbaric oxygen therapies effectively increased survival time in a mouse model of aggressive metastatic cancer, a research team from the Hyperbaric Biomedical Research Laboratory at the University of South Florida has found.

"The Ketogenic Diet and Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy Prolong Survival in Mice with Systemic Metastatic Cancer," was published in PLOS ONE. Led by Dominic D'Agostino, PhD, principal investigator in the Department of Molecular Pharmacology and Physiology at the USF Health Morsani College of Medicine, the research shows the effects of combining two nontoxic adjuvant cancer therapies, the ketogenic diet and hyperbaric oxygen therapy, in a mouse model of late-stage, metastatic cancer.

"Our study demonstrates the potential of these cost-effective, nontoxic therapies to contribute to current cancer treatment regimens and significantly improve the outcome of patients with advanced metastatic cancer," D'Agostino said. Metastasis, the spreading of cancer from the primary tumor to distant spots, is responsible for over 90 percent of cancer-related deaths in humans. A lack of available therapies effective against metastatic disease remains the largest obstacle in finding a cure for cancer. In the study, mice with advanced metastatic cancer were fed either a standard high carbohydrate diet or carbohydrate-restricted ketogenic diet. Mice on both diets also received hyperbaric oxygen therapy, which uses a special chamber to increase the amount of oxygen in the tissues. The ketogenic diet forces a physiological shift in substrate utilization from glucose to fatty acids and ketone bodies for energy. Normal healthy cells readily adapt to using ketone bodies for fuel, but cancer cells lack this metabolic flexibility, and thus become selectively vulnerable to reduced glucose availability.

Solid tumors also have areas of low oxygen, which promotes tumor growth and metastatic spread. Hyperbaric oxygen therapy involves breathing 100 percent oxygen at elevated barometric pressure, saturating the tumors with oxygen. When administered properly, both the ketogenic diet and hyperbaric oxygen therapy are non-toxic and may even protect healthy tissues while simultaneously damaging cancer cells, D'Agostino said.

While both therapies slowed disease progression independently, animals receiving the combined ketogenic diet and hyperbaric oxygen therapy lived 78 percent longer than mice fed a standard high-carbohydrate diet. The research, funded by a charitable donation from Scivation, was inspired by the research of Professor Thomas Seyfried of Boston College. Dr. Seyfried has advanced the theory that cancer is a metabolic disease, inspiring the development of metabolic strategies to treat and prevent cancer. D`Agostino`s team is currently collaborating with Dr. Seyfried and other scientists to secure funding and develop protocols for establishing human clinical trials. <<< (Courtesy Rapid Recovery Hyperbarics)

on cancer as metabolic disease...

Cancer as a metabolic disease - BioMed Central
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cork bobbing on the surface symptoms...

i think that sometimes in homeopathic prescribing a more complex picture is sought at the expense of the leading simple simons, as these signals are thought to be too obvious to lead anywhere truly curative.

i've been drawn away from this to work more intuitively, and at the level of overlay, precisely because it is the MASK of symptoms. looking at my own main complaint, leg cramps in the night, i've decided to take a single dose of cuprum... in the Morrison Guide, "To maintain control over strong inner emotions or impulses which are strongly suppressed, the patient closes down every expression. This makes the patient appear absolutely closed. The convulsions and spasms occur from the release of this rigid tension."

this reminded me again, that what cannot be conveyed through symbols at the level of mind and in-spiration, escalates to the next level of concretization, the body, where, if the symbol is recognized, the materialization becomes unnecessary.

lousie hay says,

"Cramps: Tension. Fear. Gripping, holding on."
"Leg: Carry us forward in life."

on leg cramps in the night...

this week the game got more interesting. the start of a trial run of hydrazine sulfate correlated with the start of searing nerve pain in the chest generally but the affected breast in particular. it was enough for me to cry mummy and resume small maintenance doses of the plant oil i use for breakthru pain. i have never thought it wise to seek out a complete obliteration of pain, i value the feedback. i won't suffer unnecessarily, but a certain level of pain can be borne as sensation and when this arrangement is mastered, the body can begin a dialogue with its host on many levels, all of which lead through complex progress towards simplicity.

it was the recent waking nightmare of muscle cramps that shook me a little more awake than before they woke up to greet me. these are particularly painful, especially when they don't involve the usual location, the calf muscles, the gastrocnemius and soleus complex, but cramp in the deeper leg muscles just proximate to the shin bone like the tibialis anterior and posterior and the flexor digitorium longus, even reaching as high as the popliteus. they come on so suddenly and dramatically it catches you off guard and breathless as to its remediation. the one last night had me gapping like a fish out of water, squealing all the while, especially when it escalated to a peak intensity i hadn't yet met. when the usual stretches and coping mechanisms were failing for the first time in a week now of charleyhorses, my eyes did widen.

i was motivated today to look more closely at my hydration and mineral levels, even though i'd felt safe here since the few foods i'm allowed are naturally rich plant-based sourced of calcium, potassium and magnesium. but i also had to bow before the compromise undertaken knowingly, that i'd begun recently to lean into my yoga practice and that cramping can be expected if you're not scrupulous about health and nutrition, or "weakened by disease"... i didn't consider myself really at risk for either of those since my health feels good overall and i don't feel particularly weakened by disease... a reflection of the work i've been doing with oxygen, diet, IV therapies, and supplementation... that i've had days when i've not felt at my best is not the issue, overall i feel at home in a healthy body engaged together with me on a fight for survival with a very noble adversary.

i came across some interesting info... i've noticed a decline in my edge over the cancer since i started relying a lot on nuts for nutrition and protein... i realized i knew very little about the empirics or the history of nut use by intuitive peoples... 

this is excerpted from a paleo website...

Another reason you shouldn’t go nuts on nuts
By Chris Kresser on September 23, 2011

In a previous article1, I suggested that nut consumption should be limited or moderated because of the high levels of omega-6 fat many of them contain. But there’s another reason you shouldn’t make nuts a staple of your diet.
One of the main principles of the Paleo diet is to avoid eating grains and legumes because of the food toxins they contain. One of those toxins, phytic acid (a.k.a. phytate), is emphasized as one of the greatest offenders.
But what is often not mentioned in books or websites about the Paleo diet is that nuts are often as high or even higher in phytic acid than grains. In fact, nuts decrease iron absorption even more than wheat bread2. This is ironic because a lot of people on the Paleo diet – who go to great lengths to avoid food toxins – are chowing down nut like they’re going out of style.
What is phytic acid and why should we care?
Phytic acid is the storage form of phosphorus found in many plants, especially in the bran or hull of grains and in nuts and seeds. Although herbivores like cows and sheep can digest phytic acid, humans can’t. This is bad news because phytic acid binds to minerals (especially iron and zinc) in food and prevents us from absorbing them. 3 Studies suggest that we absorb approximately 20 percent more zinc and 60 percent more magnesium from our food when phytic acid is absent4. It’s important to note that phytic acid does not leach minerals that are already stored in the body; it only inhibits the absorption of minerals from food in which phytic acid is present.
Phytic acid interferes with enzymes we need to digest our food, including pepsin, which is needed for the breakdown of proteins in the stomach, and amylase, which is required for the breakdown of starch. Phytic acid also inhibits the enzyme trypsin, which is needed for protein digestion in the small intestine.
As most people following a Paleo diet will probably have heard by now, diets high in phytate cause mineral deficiencies. For example, rickets and osteoporosis are common in societies where cereal grains are a staple part of the diet.5
How much phytic acid should you eat?
Before you go out and try to remove every last scrap of phytic acid from your diet, keep in mind that it’s likely humans can tolerate a small to moderate amount of phytic acid – in the range of 100 mg to 400 mg per day. According to Ramiel Nagel in his article “Living With Phytic Acid”6, the average phytate intake in the U.S. and the U.K. ranges between 631 and 746 mg per day; the average in Finland is 370 mg; in Italy it is 219 mg; and in Sweden a mere 180 mg per day.
If you’re on a Paleo diet you’re already avoiding some of the higher sources of phytic acid: grains and legumes like soy. But if you’re eating a lot of nuts and seeds – which a lot of Paleo folks do – you still might be exceeding the safe amount of phytic acid.
As you can see from the table below, 100 grams of almonds contains between 1,200 – 1,400 mg of phytic acid. 100g is about 3 ounces. That’s equal to a large handful. A handful of hazelnuts, which is further down on the list, would still exceed the recommended daily intake – and that’s assuming you’re not eating any other foods with phytic acid, which is not likely. Even the Paleo-beloved coconut has almost 400 mg of phytic acid per 100 gram serving.
[Disappointing side note for chocolate lovers: Raw unfermented cocoa beans and normal cocoa powder are extremely high in phytic acid. Processed chocolate may also contain significant levels.]
In milligrams per 100 grams of dry weight
Brazil nuts
Cocoa powder
Oat flakes
1138 – 1400
Peanut roasted
Brown rice
Peanut ungerminated
Peanut germinated
648 – 1000
Wild rice flour
634 – 752.5
Yam meal
Refried beans
Corn tortillas
Entire coconut meat
White flour
White flour tortillas
Polished rice
11.5 – 66

Can you prepare nuts to make them safer to eat?
Unfortunately we don’t have much information on how to reduce phytic acid in nuts. However, we know that most traditional cultures often go to great lengths prior to consuming them.

According to Nagel7:
It is instructive to look at Native American preparation techniques for the hickory nut, which they used for oils. To extract the oil they parched the nuts until they cracked to pieces and then pounded them until they were as fine as coffee grounds. They were then put into boiling water and boiled for an hour or longer, until they cooked down to a kind of soup from which the oil was strained out through a cloth. The rest was thrown away. The oil could be used at once or poured into a vessel where it would keep a long time.50
By contrast, the Indians of California consumed acorn meal after a long period of soaking and rinsing, then pounding and cooking. Nuts and seeds in Central America were prepared by salt water soaking and dehydration in the sun, after which they were ground and cooked.
Modern evidence also suggests that at least some of the phytate can be broken down by soaking and roasting. The majority of this data indicates that soaking nuts for eighteen hours, dehydrating at very low temperatures (either in a food dehydrator or a low temperature oven), and then roasting or cooking the nuts would likely eliminate a large portion of the phytic acid.
Elanne and I have been preparing nuts like this for a few years, and I personally notice a huge difference in how I digest them. I used to have a heavy sensation in my stomach after eating nuts, but I don’t get that at all when I eat them after they’ve been prepared this way.
Another important thing to be aware of is that phytic acid levels are much higher in foods grown using modern high-phosphate fertilizers than those grown in natural compost.
So how many nuts should you eat?
The answer to that question depends on several factors:
  • Your overall health and mineral status
  • Your weight and metabolic health
  • Whether you are soaking, dehydrating and roasting them nuts before consuming them
One of the biggest problems I see is with people following the GAPS or Specific Carbohydrate Diets, which are gut-healing protocols for people with serious digestive issues. Most GAPS and SCD recipe books emphasize using nut flour to make pancakes and baked goods. This is presumably because many people who adopt these diets find it hard to live without grains, legumes and any starch. While nut flours don’t tend to contain much phytic acid (because nut flour is made from blanched nuts, and the phytic acid is found mostly in the skin of the nuts), they can be difficult to digest in large amounts — especially for those with digestive issues. I’ve found that limiting nut flour consumption is necessary for most of my patients that are on GAPS or SCD. It’s also best to be moderate with consumption of most commercial nut butters, which are made with unsoaked nuts. However, some health food stores do carry brands of “raw, sprouted” nut butters that would presumably be safer to eat.
All of that said, in the context of a diet that is low in phytic acid overall, and high in micronutrients like iron and calcium, a handful of nuts that have been properly prepared each day should not be a problem for most people.

i'm eating slightly more than a handful of nuts just at breakfast alone, not including the raw crackers i'm eating at lunch and dinner, so i must consider the possibility that i'm having mineral absorption problems as a result. but i think frugal consumption of nuts would be beneficial since it reduces by 20% how much zinc i uptake and zinc has been shown to interfere with managing cancer. i'm also supplementing with a lot of enzymes, creating a conflict with any reliance on nuts since they suppress some enzymatic functions.

it was in looking again at the role of potassium that i began to realize how i will likely be a candidate for potassium-awareness the rest of my days... i certainly check off a few boxes here...

Potassium deficiencies are more common in people who:
  • Use certain medicines, such as diuretics and certain birth control pills
  • Have physically demanding jobs
  • Are athletes
  • Have health conditions that affect their digestive absorption, such as Crohn's disease
  • Have an eating disorder
  • Smoke
  • Abuse alcohol or drugs

this is from LIVESTRONG.COM
is one of the body's most important minerals. It is present in every cell of the human body. In solution--as it is in the body--potassium carries a positive electrical charge and is one of the body's four main electrolytes along with sodium, chloride and bicarbonate. As an electrolyte, potassium plays a crucial role in water balance and the maintenance of blood pressure. Potassium is also important for normal muscle and nerve function as well as conduction of the electrical impulses that control the heart. Potassium deficiency--hypokalemia--can produce an array of symptoms, which vary in severity depending on the degree of deficiency.

Muscle Weakness, Spasms, Cramps and Tetany
In order for muscle cells to contract, a marked difference in intracellular and extracellular potassium concentrations must exist. As potassium levels drop, this concentration difference decreases and the muscles are unable to function normally. This causes generalized fatigue and a variety of muscular symptoms including weakness, spasms, twitching and cramps. In cases of extreme hypokalemia, the muscles can go into a sustained involuntary state of contraction called tetany.

Extreme hypokalemia can cause the muscles to go completely limp, a condition called flaccid paralysis. Importantly, the muscles involved in breathing can be affected by hypokalemic paralysis. Breathing can be slow and shallow, or may stop completely.
Muscle Stiffness, Aching and Tenderness
Severe potassium deficiency not only impairs the function of muscle cells, it also damages them, causing their contents to leak out--a condition called rhabdomyolysis. Symptoms include profound weakness and muscle stiffness, aching and tenderness.
Abdominal Bloating, Pain and Cramping
The involuntary muscles of the stomach and intestines can also malfunction when the potassium level is too low. Symptoms including abdominal bloating, pain, and cramping may be present. Constipation may also occur. In the extreme, intestinal activity may virtually stop, a condition called paralytic ileus.
Heart Palpitations
The rhythmic, coordinated contractions of the heart are controlled by electrical impulses, which are ferried across the heart muscle by a specialized conduction system. Hypokalemia can disrupt this conduction system, causing heart rhythm abnormalities. The most common symptom is heart palpitations--an awareness of missed beats, extra beats, or a feeling that the heart is pounding too fast or too hard. These rhythm abnormalities can be life- threatening, and cardiac arrest may occur.
Dizziness and Fainting
Potassium deficiency can cause the kidneys to lose their ability to concentrate urine. As a result, excessive amounts of water are lost from the body and the blood pressure drops. This can cause symptoms of dizziness or fainting, especially when getting up to a standing position.
Frequent Urination and Extreme Thirst
As already noted, hypokalemia can cause an excessive loss of water through the kidneys. Frequent urination and extreme thirst are common symptoms when hypokalemia has been present for some time.
Numbness and Tingling
Low potassium causes the nerves to fire abnormally, which may cause numbness, tingling or a burning sensation, especially in the hands and feet.

i've taken animal protein out of my diet for a week to monitor the nuts on their own, next week, all things being equal, i will look at just the greens and the fats., then the greens, fats, and infrequent and small, medicinal-portions of animal protein, to see where my zone is....

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

currently at the desk...

working on collating some research on cancer cells and oxidative stress and the often paradoxical role and assignment of oxygen therapies in all of this for a post i'm writing, when i came across this super interesting article which echoes one of many natural laws, this one being the law of paradox... that what has harmed shall heal, what poisons cures. this is also expressed in the chironian mythologem, in the 180deg aspect relationship in astrology, and in the quote by william blake, 'opposition is true friendship...'

Reactive oxygen species in cancer cells: Live by the sword, die by the sword

"it appears that tumor cells may die by the same systems they require..."

what are reactive oxygen species or ROS's?


  • oxygen radicals
  • pro-oxidants


Molecules or ions formed by the incomplete one-electron reduction of oxygen. These reactive oxygen intermediates include singlet oxygen; superoxides; peroxides; hydroxyl radical; and hypochlorous acid. They contribute to the microbicidal activity of phagocytes, regulation of signal transduction and gene expression, and the oxidative damage to nucleic acids; proteins; and lipids.
Definition from: MeSH via Unified Medical Language SystemThis link leads to a site outside Genetics Home Reference. at the National Library of Medicine

Monday, November 11, 2013

returning to bodywork and sacred movement practices...

spontaneous asana interposed with vibrational medicine in the form of shaking, tapping, self-massage, pranayam, and chi work (via qi gong and tai chi modifications) has become the centerpiece of my efforts as a najayama yogi (najayama: literally, harnessing the cobra, what i've termed a slow deep approach to practice designed to foster awareness and further safe opportunities to let go, strengthen, and be present)... it not only feels good, i deeply love and enjoy giving the body a stage for its innate wisdom to come pouring out... 

_move_ about it, _breathe_ about it, _feel_ about it, just don't _think_ about it...

shaking medicine...

this is a teacher i'm not familiar with, but thanks to an angel of a new friend i got sent this video which is a great representation of SHAKING MEDICINE.... as i was just writing this morning, "i feel shaking should be intensely self-directed and can be accomplished without teacher or methodology, just the space, opportunity and the presence of others doing the same work..." and yes, i am definitely ONE OF THESE PEOPLE..... and just as trying to solve this cancer puzzle at the material level winds down under the direction of larger forces, doors are magically and spectacularly opening for me to explore the potentials of energy medicine, thoughtform purification, spontaneous asana, shaking practices and breath work. next sunday i look forward to joining a group of shakers for some work after dharma class. no obstructions. how lovely!

Ratu Bagus - DVD Introduction - YouTube

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Shantideva’s Bodhisattvacharyavatara...

a lovely time at the dharma center i attend after studying the chapter on guarding mindfulness in shantideva's 'the bodhisattva's way of life'... 

Those who wish to guard their practice 
Should very attentively guard their minds  
For those who do not guard their minds 
Will be unable to guard their practice.

an auspicious day, the center was celebrating the rinpoche's birthday... since i was new i offered to take pictures on their cameras for them... such soft-hearted people!

then they insisted i get in the picture...

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"Authentic images are our most effective tools for communicating with our immune systems, and even with specific organs. Follow your dreams and you will get far more than you will ever get from guided visualizations you will find in books and tapes; you will find the images that belong to you and speak most clearly to your body." [Robert Moss, Conscious Dreaming]

Thursday, October 31, 2013

thanks to mum, bills got paid. and now the bills have got to stop. this is the magic part.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013


today had its moments and i'm cool to let it all hang out. it would be a disservice to people in crisis to portray it as all rah rah rah and no o crap.

then when i was sitting in a quiet moment i heard myself think, i don't need a miracle, i am a miracle. and so are you, and you, and you.

what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow, its not going to change, and it has nothing to do with my attachment to being michelle bellerose. i have no problem recycling bodies, why would i? its the way of nature and won't interfere in the slightest with the continuity of my learning. i admit it's far more interesting to contemplate the wisdom potential of looking death in the eye while snatching a rebirth in the same body out of the whole encounter.... its the classic shamanic dark night and i remain as excited about the possibility that i might figure out how to do it as i was on diagnosis day. what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow. once i reminded myself of this fundamental, all stress and worry faded away.

and to repeat, it wasn't stress about mortality, it's just the shell after all, a vehicle we used, that returns to the earth, heart and soul live on. it was the ego frustration of facing the full results of all my bloodymindedness, all my cowardly undoings, all my hiding and procrastinating that now has me in a life circumstance where i have no power. of course, this is a thoughtform, a perception, an obstacle in itself, my couching it, my 'powerlessness,' in those terms... this frustration about not having my own money at this time and feeling a burden to some or under the thumb of others is something i have to let go of.... it cannot lead to anywhere good.

i may have to take the worst possible and maximum consequences from these conditions i've created but its also equally possible that having seen them as illusory, transitory and therefore changeable, i can weave my way out of obstructing traffic in the blink of an eye by just changing my mind about my powers, what's possible, and my financial worth.

in the meantime, my agenda remains the same. get stronger, strong enough that i can get back to earning a living wage.

i believe in my body, not the tumour. my body's getting healthier and healthier and the higher i get my resonance, the more i move into spirit and out of stuff, the more likely, the more in fact its guaranteed, that my breast and lymph will follow suit.

no matter the conditions life gives me, the work is the same. the work is the same. the work is the same.