Saturday, April 26, 2014

radical self-acceptance...

i'm in the labyrinth and the magic continues to unravel me.

now that a course of palliative radiotherapy has been completed (20 Gy in 5 fractions to the spine and pelvis) we are in observation mode for the next 2-6 weeks. thus far i'm getting the 'side-effects' and none of the benefits but i was prepared for this. the tradeoff means that i can see clearly the trajectory at work and where the weak lines are in my constitution. main challenges are the profound fatigue (i was out of bed infrequently last two days, very not normal for me), the global pain spikes and accelerated tumour growth. working in my favour is that all this action is contained within the skin and soft-tissues, vital force is keeping the cancer out of organs of importance... so even while it encroaches on bones, the mets have not compromised structure or function. even my doctor in his report concedes, "her lab work actually is not impressive," meaning aside from this tuitional cancer, i persist to be quite healthy.

the important point here is that i'm continuing to manage the pain and keep to an even keel. this in turn gives me the chance to resume my meditation-based energy work and movement practices (which i now do from bed). i'm getting all the food and supplements i need from a rotating crew of friends and allies, alongside round the clock emotional support. this emotional support doesn't come in the form of sympathy or condolence (which is passive and reducing) but in the opportunity to come together to do some exciting experimentation and venturing (which is active and full of possibility).

that's why i refer to the labyrinth. its taken me up until now to finally get to the set and setting i've long desired but didn't know how to manifest, lost as i was in the overproduct of mind... and now i have it. spiritual practice, devotion to energy work, doing the daily alchemy of becoming pure un-armoured heart.

having set these as the course of my ship, the resources and people suited to such an enterprise have found me and me them in a manner that leaves us all both humbled and awestruck.

my fabulous primary care nurse, jirina, after a guerrilla energy medicine session

for example, through the efforts of the palliative doctor now in charge of my case, i've been assigned a very special nurse you would hardly expect to find in the whitecoat world... she's a teacher of kundalini yoga and a reiki master but this is not the reason we sparked an instant connection (i've had plenty experiences these last few months of the dark side of alternative practitioners who try to situate themselves in positions of power and exploitation... as a result I've learned its not the modality you work with, its how you work with it). we sparked connection because of our interest in active, not passive, models of healing (like Adam DreamHealer) where people share their skills and understandings with a view to healing the whole not parts (meaning not just the disease but the person and not just the person but the tribe)...

with her now assigned to my case we can actually steal away time to session our interests... the other day we worked with reiki and some chanting and the results were lovely. i was able to reduce from 10 boluses to 6 overnight; while in the dark, i shifted in and out of dimensions and resonances and holy flow, playing it all back out again in breath, in languorous, ecstatic movements, small as they were, investigatory and cautious, no beginning, no end.

my body is asking that i practice radical self-acceptance. its become my joy and my light to venture to meet myself in this garden...

necrotic forces of destruction, they love shame! so i've instituted radical self-acceptance practices like going topless... loving your body as a matter of course is self-healing at its very finest!

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