the great thing about having a palpable tumour, if i can use such a turn of phrase, is the immediate biofeedback. by this mechanism i've learned what holds it steady and what can spurt it into a period of uncontrollable growth that takes me days to curb. at this point, steady state is my golden mean, mistakes cost me dearly. like a few days ago i was feeling better and better and thought of how much more i could do with a little more food in my system. i added a single egg to my plate for three days before i realized i'd fed a growth spurt. i took a probiotic just to test my reactivity to dairy protein last night, and fed a growth spurt.
yes. this teacher who took up shop so intimately inside of me is a strict task master on a do-it-or-die mission. if i don't unlock the code in time, it will get the upper hand and destroy me. but, and this is what's so fucking tantalizing, if i unlock the code, i'll be able to deliver not just myself, but new knowledge...!
in this adventure there are times when its like being pulled along by wild horses, trying to find the calm in the heart of the storm that brings things to heel. these next few days are exactly such a time.
i'll be taking another round of measures that tend towards some unpleasantries to be borne, but i'm also dancing like nobody's looking for the first time in my life. onwards!
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