dreams of late have featured father quite prominently, including a night when his face appeared before me, bleary and weeping with frustrations. then one of my abdominal tumours came to animation and when it spoke it was father speaking.
theme of late has been anger, rage and issues of letting oneself feel it all but still act neutrally, no mean feat of learning.
as a youth i was fascinated with stories of the mohawk tradesmen who had incredible tolerance for heights. dreamt recently of being atop the highest building on earth in arctic weather watching these men work in perilous conditions with tiny, uncertain platforms to climb hither and tither. uncovering a testament to the risks involved when the men came across the mummified and frozen remains of a father and young daughter in spoon position, huddled to death, having given up, unable to move forward or back. when it was my turn to join the crew i found myself pulled away from the building and to my horror suspended in mid-air at this impossible height. death from falling seemed imminent, but instead i was kept suspended for what seemed minutes without end when suddenly, as if entreaties had been answered, i felt a magnetism hook and draw me back to the wall where i found solid footing and began work with the others, cleaning and repairing the architecture.
last night was a little like that. pain in the ribs and along the sternum that made breathing difficult. actually, i won't belabour the pain in detail on second thought, let's just say it was extensive. i felt fluey and weak and struggling to keep right view and right harness on mind. then it occurred to me that i was being lured into materialist maya and had too long postponed moving more headlong into the emotional/psychological/spiritual work this life challenge demands. its not that i've been ignoring this arena, far from it, i've been devotedly and with sincere commitment, tackling the idea of bringing about some kind of transformation, but as with many of these things, there's no clear instruction manual written just for you... you have to feel your way through the dark forest and trust in something transcendent to finally notice your hard work and consent to guide you.
with my guide and dear friend barbara at my side i started another round of listening to guided meditations and tappings. as luck would have it we finally hit on a series that got to me and the discharge was profound and wrenching and a thrill to be on the other side of. afterwards i slept twelve hours and noted in the morning the tumours hadn't increased, one was actually a touch smaller, and i had some normal colour back in my cheeks.
a few minutes later i got a phone call from the nursing home that mum was ailing again and seriously so. i'd had a dream last week that she was in her process, leading her own checkout. as she got into a coffin on her own she said something to me that at the time galvanized me into this new direction. so this morning i thought, wow, this is a replay of what happened last time... just after i gain ground and have some improvement to profit from, circumstances conspire to give me a chance to react according to programming and spend it all at the expense of setback and loss for me and only partial gain for mum... now i can choose a different reaction in keeping with new understandings not distorted by pathos and drama that would be of benefit to both parties. thank you universe!
barb and i first drove to caledon to receive the 550pound shipment that will soon become the clinic's infrared sauna and i was delighted to have enough strength to break apart some lingering ice on the walkway that needed to be cleared so the palette could be evenly rested by the door to the storage room. afterwards we drove to saint catharines and i made a brief check in with mum, finding that she was not ailing physically at all, but that her dementia is in clear acceleration. she never fails to recognize me, and today she added a 'thank god you're here!' but beyond that she was deeply and utterly confused and could not sit still for me to give her any comfort. instead she began literally dragging me this way then that through the building on wild goose chases. i thought to book some time with myself tonight to repertorize her anew, see if i can do something further to calm her down, when an inner mandate broke through and told me to put her distress to the attending physician to solve. perhaps there's a mild anti-psychotic or tranquilizer that would be useful. i have to focus on my own threading of the needle here. if i play nurse to my mother one more time, i will certainly not make it and i at last accept this. rather than feeling guilty, i felt elated to be making some good decisions and exercising self-care. i'm not abandoning my mother, i'm surrendering to the situation of her creation and the supports she has chosen for herself. its one thing to make phone calls and get the system to work at its best for her, its another entirely to take her out of it and take on the job myself.
truth be told, last night things were looking so grim my friend had an understandable breakdown which she kept from me until i turned the corner so dramatically today. she called on her community to say prayers for me while during the night as i drifted in and out of sleep i worked on my own resonance so that i might more easily accept the love of god, krishna, buddha, christ, mother earth, all the avatars within us waiting for deployment. really uncovering how little i feel i deserve, the deep tracks of unworthiness that have poisoned my life. it helped me turn a corner indeed and now there's no going back. this picture is from a few hours ago, let's call it, 'not dead yet...' :)
|me and aspect/ETF therapist, business partner and friend, barbara. krishna krishna hare hare! thankyou for these gifts!|