Wednesday, February 26, 2014

have no fear...

i'm like a garden bed sprouting nightshade, its true. but evidently its what i need to throw off the old and in with the new.

last night i dreamt that i was watching from a vantage above a dog below who was running an obstacle course. round one, he was victorious. round two, he completed the course again to great cheer in my heart. by the third course the dog had morphed from a whippet type to my verook who passed away a few years ago. this time he missed a jump to catastrophic effect. he slid into a barrier and injured his head before tumbling into other mishaps. i raced down to reach him and get aid, calling for an ambulance, shouting out the homeopathics i would need at hand to help me (sic! you see?!!!) him. by the time i found him he had dragged himself under a staircase where only his tail was showing and it was covered in clear mucus and urine. i knew he was going to die.

this dream was a clear warning as dogs generally represent the habit body in my unconscious language (teach a dog something once, they know it or expect it for life). the message is, keep on as you have been michelle, making allowances for old habits of view and practice and thought when it suits you, and you will never make it through round three. round one was the original diagnosis and the restricting of that metastatic spread courtesy 7 months of arduous, disciplined work. round two was the surgery. round three is this relapse.

following on this dream i had another of being selected to address an audience. despite my 'brilliant' talk (the subject was, 'on the importance of drama and narrative in human lives') the audience was not with me but chattering amongst themselves. even more to the point, during my presentation the stage became overcrowded with disinterested teenagers loitering about. when my time was finally up i closed with a favorite hippocrates quote someone brought up only a few days earlier, 'the art is long, life is short.' once off stage i was escorted by the MC to sign the autograph book all the speakers were recorded in. a couple approached us and i thought they were surely coming to tell me what a great lecture i'd given, instead they did nothing of the kind but instead busied themselves with some trinket on the table next to us. all through the dream i kept trying to turn it into a feel good ending, but the dreamer was having none of it! what marvelous persistence!

the speaker, the audience, the MC, the disinterested teenagers and couple are all reflections of my mind body relationship. i've thought all these years that we've been communicating, my body and me, but we are not. a friend pointed out recently that i display a marked degree of emotional detachment when discussing things about which i should have at least some emotion. then two people yesterday made the same comment to me, not that i didn't know it myself, but when something gets repeated for your benefit through the agency of others its a sign to take notice, period.... they both said that no amount of frequency therapy or green juice or IVs or oxygen will save me unless i address the disconnect forged so very long ago to make things endurable, but now, left unchecked, is my death certificate in waiting.

i've started doing EFT and have been amazed at the results. it only takes a couple of taps to unlock a torrent of emotions, mostly rage, frustration, and grief, that i've turned my back on and wished away like a magically-minded child for far too long.

my ingenuity of mind, the treatments, none of it will bear fruit without radical change. so now, being a creature of habit, i'm putting all of my intelligence to bear in catching myself out... the way i lead forward into new moments with old expectations, the way old fears dwelled on bring forward more of the same out of neutral circumstance that could totally go in a more wholesome direction, the way i self-comfort by having fixed routines and extremist consumption styles that no longer serve... all of this has to go and go now. there is no time for considering my options or cherry-picking what changes seem least offensive or difficult.

there is brightness in all this, there always is. the night after my first frequency treatment i dreamt that i was sliding and sliding down a slick snowy incline and no matter how hard i tried to get a foothold, i just kept sliding for what seemed miles. all of a sudden my foot got purchase and i brought myself to a stop. to my left i discovered a thick rope. i took hold of it and had such power that it only took a few hand over hands to pull myself up what took so long for me to fall. at the top on the other side going down was a rickety staircase. i had to pick and choose and there were moments of hesitation and fear, but i rallied and got down the other side onto stable ground and woke up.

yes i'm in hot water and yes i know it. but i have much farther to go before i sleep. and if you think i can't comeback from these dire straits, as PET once said with pirouetting style, just watch me!

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