today had its moments and i'm cool to let it all hang out. it would be a disservice to people in crisis to portray it as all rah rah rah and no o crap.
then when i was sitting in a quiet moment i heard myself think, i don't need a miracle, i am a miracle. and so are you, and you, and you.
what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow, its not going to change, and it has nothing to do with my attachment to being michelle bellerose. i have no problem recycling bodies, why would i? its the way of nature and won't interfere in the slightest with the continuity of my learning. i admit it's far more interesting to contemplate the wisdom potential of looking death in the eye while snatching a rebirth in the same body out of the whole encounter.... its the classic shamanic dark night and i remain as excited about the possibility that i might figure out how to do it as i was on diagnosis day. what i'm doing now, tonight, tomorrow. once i reminded myself of this fundamental, all stress and worry faded away.
and to repeat, it wasn't stress about mortality, it's just the shell after all, a vehicle we used, that returns to the earth, heart and soul live on. it was the ego frustration of facing the full results of all my bloodymindedness, all my cowardly undoings, all my hiding and procrastinating that now has me in a life circumstance where i have no power. of course, this is a thoughtform, a perception, an obstacle in itself, my couching it, my 'powerlessness,' in those terms... this frustration about not having my own money at this time and feeling a burden to some or under the thumb of others is something i have to let go of.... it cannot lead to anywhere good.
i may have to take the worst possible and maximum consequences from these conditions i've created but its also equally possible that having seen them as illusory, transitory and therefore changeable, i can weave my way out of obstructing traffic in the blink of an eye by just changing my mind about my powers, what's possible, and my financial worth.
in the meantime, my agenda remains the same. get stronger, strong enough that i can get back to earning a living wage.
i believe in my body, not the tumour. my body's getting healthier and healthier and the higher i get my resonance, the more i move into spirit and out of stuff, the more likely, the more in fact its guaranteed, that my breast and lymph will follow suit.
no matter the conditions life gives me, the work is the same. the work is the same. the work is the same.