Thursday, October 10, 2013

education involves relapse...

all it took was one day, a little human error (my daily IV bag only got half the usual amount of vitaminC that i'm working with... of 100g, only 50g got injected) plus a little emotional tweak (got news that mum was narrowly prevented from punching one of the other older ladies at the nursing home in the face, which means that i have to move her AGAIN, this time to a long-term venue that can handle where the dementia will take her).... i woke up this morning and the tumour had regrown back into the shape it was in about four days ago, before i started to see that really dramatic reduction each morning. it hasn't completely grown back to the proportions it assumed at its zenith, but its certainly gaining on me again.

for the first time since this whole ordeal began in june, i sat down at the kitchen table, exhausted and overwrought at 6am, and just cried. i had to release some of the stress of all this up and down, knowing and not-knowing. i sucked it up and pressed on with my day and by the afternoon when it was time for my IV, i reported my unfortunate news and asked my green team to take me into uncharted territory, bump me up to 125g vitaminC.... since i'd been doing so well at 100g, 150g was suggested, and of course i jumped at it.

well, i won't IV 150g vitaminC again. it was 6 hours of agony, four shots of lidocaine did nothing for the pain. right arm worse for wear and quite swollen, but as soon as it was over the pain stopped and i had a profound sense of well-being. i put arnica gel all over my arms and the track marks and they will be right as rain in morning.

it is absolutely necessary for my learning that i develop skill where none exists, and right now i have to solve the puzzle of how to protect myself from these backslides, and how to quickly right wrong turns. i'm very thin and weak, so having to redo work done is not something i can sustain.

green team will work with me through to sunday, our one day off, then we resume on monday.


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