asked for and answered, i'm gladly down for the count today with lung and sinus cleansing that some might call fever and infection but i see for truth as an opportunity to dump more toxic load, mentally, emotionally, physically. as i'm learning, never treat the infection, treat the emotion and the condition of susceptibility, and great things will follow.
even though i battled my way into the clinic chair in worst shape than this, i canceled my IV treatment for the day, a first time for me... not only did it really feel like i needed to take a day for myself without having to put on the michelle show at the clinic, i'm running out of funds for these treatments anyway so there's little sense in carrying on as if i can continue getting daily support in this manner... i will have to find another way to heal my body and since that fact doesn't change my basic task in the slightest, there's no need for chagrin... i will keep eating well, supplementing, seeking emotional release, and working constructively with what is possible instead of focusing on what i feel is missing or will be missing. in any event my arms are glad... yesterday the right arm again complained, raising a big histamine lump on the forearm where i've had multiple injuries over the years... it was quite painful and set the whole arm into agony and since i no longer want to rely on lidocaine, we had to switch arms to complete my bag, something i've never had to resort to...
i've been reflecting a lot on how much ego i have tied up in this performance of being a resilient and indefatigable warrior... i didn't show to an appointment this morning with my white team, even though i really want to get a script that only they can write for some hydrazine sulphate, and to get some testing i need done, all because in my 5am reasoning, i didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me sick! LOL
"if you don't have a story, you don't have to live up to one..." (castaneda)
i've been tweaked repeatedly to study the work of wayne dyer... a live lecture CD (The Caroline Myss and Wayne Dyer Seminar) has been around the house for weeks now blinking at me; at the retreat his name was brought up in connection to stories we were sharing of our encounters with the hugging saint, Amma... so i've arranged today a conducive set and setting, tenderized the top soil with some bach flower remedies for guilt, intolerance, and deep gloom FOR NO REASON (i never use my mind to pick the flower remedies as i need them... the whole collection sits blind and unsorted in a box and i merely close my eyes, tune in, rest my hand over the lot, letting my fingers travel until i feel something... i limit myself to three choices and it NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE that my intuition picks things for me my ego would never countenance, so being told in this way that deep within me, despite all the surface rah rah rah, i'm still wrestling with those expectations of unrelenting negative outcome was very helpful and timely and i was ready for it....) so i'm diving in for the rest of the day.... i just finished the first CD, it kicked the shit right out of me.... hallelujah! I AM READY TO BE UNRAVELED IN WHATEVER WAY SERVES, THIS IS THE PRINCIPLE OF SURRENDER BY WHICH I ABIDE... viva la vida!
ps. it just occurred to me, it so happens me and my mum's belongings are out of storage and in the studio here, which means my father's ashes are RIGHT HERE ... there's no reason for me not to take him close to my side in bed today to do what remains to be done and what i haven't been able yet to do since the day i stood my mother up at his funeral...
update: i put his funerary box on my side of the bed next to my pillow and snuggled in for the afternoon. first thing i noticed, i had to suddenly tear away the scarf that had been comforting me as i became overwhelmed with a choking feeling... ah, dad's here. he was a textbook lachesis constitution who could never tolerate anything around his neck. then came the news from below that my mum was calling and persistently, she's so very sensitive, sun in cancer moon in pisces, she always knows when i'm going thru shifts of any kind... because i was already in a state of high release, a message was taken, its better for me to delay talking to her until i don't sound so froggy, which will be tomorrow. thusly i was left to process all afternoon long.... i'm cut back a little physically, but feeling so right after hours of releasing releasing releasing forgiving forgiving forgiving letting go letting go letting go.......... resentment and bitterness will never again find fertile ground in me, even if i have to devote extra energy to this task for the rest of my days. whatever conditions and teachings persist to the extent my work at forgiveness remains incomplete. the more i forgive, the more i notice changes in the fates around me. people who played one role soften into new ones. i soften into new ones, and the world of my making changes... aho!