Friday, November 29, 2013

continuing to take matters into my own hands...

the report generated by the radiologist of the ultrasound i had a few days ago seems to rule out the presence of a simple seroma, and in fact his suggestive interpretations lead me to some different conclusions than the surgeons and physicians i've seen.

he describes the lesion as now 12cm in size, but how much of this is tumour and how much is cystic components remains for a CT scan to indicate. what he was able to describe was "a central cystic component with solid circumferential soft tissue..."

he goes on to conclude that without other imaging he can't be sure if this represents "necrotic tumour, a combination of tumour and infection, or tumour and hematoma."

the dream i had almost 15 years ago which presaged this event in my life saw me feeling an uncontrollable urge to manually express the contents of a mass in the right breast. when i began to milk it out the side, the mass was painlessly evacuated and produced a mixture of old blood and pus... pus, of course, is an immune-system reaction, and since the start of this adventure i've been using a variety of treatment methods to cue up my immune system and alert it to the need for action against the invader.

its obvious to me that what has been producing the increase in size these last few weeks is not tumour growth, but rather a dramatic reaction produced by the death of this primary tumour.... that's what the radiologist meant when he suggested this result could be necrotic tumour activity and i note that this was the first of his suggestions.

i decided this time around to really take my time and meet with all three of the cancer teams local to me... mount sinai, princess margaret, and sunnybrook.

without an appointment, the surgeon at mt sinai took one look at the copies of all my tests and diagnostics and immediately made time to see me and without making me wait at all. an esteemed gentleman with decades of experience and much recommended by former patients, he was very tolerant at the outset with respect to the choices i've made, but he would not concede that the dramatic increase in size this month could be part of the body's healing process, or that this tumour necrosis (the breast center, after all, is filled with fluid, not tumour, the remaining tumour has been pushed to the circumference, and this is in keeping with how tumours die, from the inside out...) was an indicator that in fact what i've been doing _is_ working. he preferred to sum up that i've wasted 6 months and by just looking at the size of my jane mansfield it hasn't worked. this was fine and expected, i don't consult with specialists because i want them to approbate the direction i've taken, rather i rely on the oppositional view as an impetus for further study, learning, questioning, and to help me refine and define my choices.

he was not open to the idea of surgery without neo-adjuvant chemo (4 months) and then post-modified radical mastectomy another year of chemo and radiation. he advised that because there's no normal breast parenchyma visible, he couldn't save the skin of the breast, which makes the surgery, recovery, and the remaining scar a more complex proposition.

we also know from the cursory investigation of axillary lymph during the ultrasound that metastasis is currently not limited to the one palpable lymphoma, but rather involves "multiple abnormal axillary lymph nodes, ranging in size up to 3cm... some lymph nodes have no fatty hila and look highly suspicious."

thusly the surgeon would be aiming to remove all my axillary lymph as well. every instinct i have continues to want to avoid this, and in fact, any major surgery. instead, i still want to explore every possibility of our body's innate powers to reverse disease and repattern tissues. i've read too many accounts of verified examples of such healing to be curtailed.

i have consults with two other surgeons next week, CT and bone scans, and meetings with oncologists and radiologists. i've researched the standard chemo regime in this country for TNBC and am getting up to speed on the questions i will have for these specialists. its not sufficient to my purposes anymore to simply refuse chemo and radiation, i need to be able to present the evidence i find persuasive, allow for their reply and hope for real dialogue. not because i intend to capitulate, i just want a complete experience.

still, there is no question, if i can't source by my own powers a method of reducing the size of this balloon-of-a-breast in pretty short order, i'll have to have surgery. whether i can find a surgeon willing to work with me outside the chemo radiation arena remains to be seen, but if i want what i want i'll have to find one. i'll be following up on monday with a tip to a general surgeon out of the city who may be willing to play ball, and if he's game, this will be a great backup plan to have at the ready. my green team would be able to travel to me post-op to give me additional recovery support in the form of IVs and ozone and once i'm local again, i'll be able to do a week of intensive double-diving in the hyperbaric chamber as this form of oxygen under pressure is notoriously effective in wound healing.

in the meantime i had a flash of inspiration into something so obvious i almost missed it. homeopathic arnica is brilliant for reducing hematomas and reabsorbing extravasated blood. it's also on my constitutional tree from childhood when i was quite characterized by its leading qualities. starting tonight i'll begin taking arnica in low potency, plussing, and if it feels necessary, i'll move up the potency scale first to an LM and then 1M to 10M and see how it affects the lesion.

i'm also looking much forward to a retreat this weekend at the dharma center that couldn't be more well-timed or topically relevant....

Buddha ShakyaMuni's descent from the Joyful Land Tushita
Prayer to Buddha ShakyaMuni and the Great Thousand-hand Thousand-eye Avalokiteshvara (Chenrezig). Tsog offering which helps to create merits and restore degenerated spiritual vows and commitment. Dharma teaching “The Heart Sutra” and meditation.

mount sinai, 28 november 2013

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