... is really beginning to get on my nerves. and my tits!
at least this was what i was feeling yesterday. increasingly i'm able to observe myself from a tertiary point, neither in the dream of life, nor out of it, but at a third vantage that encompasses both. and yesterday i could feel it all, as the song goes. on the one hand i was watching the calculated efforts of the idealized ego, where we feel all our goodness, beauty and truth resides. its the part of the self that knows how to pace a good conversation, how to really be there for another person so that the alchemy of narrative can work its golden magic. i can't tell you how many people i've met at the clinic have exclaimed at some point that they don't know why they're telling me these things... they're things they don't readily tell people even in their intimate circles. i point out its often easiest to unburden yourself to a stranger, what i don't say is that people are extraordinarily drawn to those walking the edge between death and life. they intuitively piggyback on the inflection we reflect back to the world, a certain frame on looking... it benefits everyone to look at experience with a nod to its fleeting nature, its unitarian innocence, and our potential to rotate every moment away from ignorant suffering into presents of joy, love, and nonviolence. from this vantage you can no longer harm yourself anymore than you could another. you're no longer perplexed by the many forms and visages and circumstances that light up and darken the theater of experience, you experience the ugly-beautiful ineffable animating it all. nobody owns inspiration, nobody owns knowledge, nobody owns matter except a mind that makes it so.
i noticed yesterday that i was watching myself more cynically so that i could be released of my idealizations... watching how i perform the michelle show in order to control the room and to draw attention to myself whether i am speaking or silent, whether i'm aware of this or not... i haven't really been aware of this until i saw it in an abrupt shift of view yesterday. i have no other channel on my TV set and i have to let go of this habit as it's draining me of energy. what a refreshment to be able to see this, acknowledge it, and let it go!
i've started wanting to be alone. particularly the more pain i'm in, the more i spin my wheels without getting breakthroughs, the more i feel drawn away from giving of my energy to others. not all forces to which we are subject are righteous, some of them must be neutralized into a more moderate approach.
when i woke this morning i realized i must resist putting my needs at center or withdrawing from my habit of talking with anyone who engages me. it will not help or make anything better. it would actually lead to pure frustration, especially during a saturn transit to a natal sun square mars aspect. our dealings with other people are the classroom of our lives, its how we take the edges off or sharpen them up. people who cut with their edges, being abrasive with anger and rhetoric, they've always been a constant presence in my life, from parents forward. from them i've acquired the on-going art of neutralizing, and to them i owe a debt of gratitude. but not my life.