Wednesday, November 27, 2013

my jane mansfield...

a few weeks ago i felt the urge to conduct a little experiment on account of the advent of small protruding sacs of fluid on the lateral side of the breast... i would darken the bathroom and take a flashlight to area, and to my surprise it illuminated in a way that made me wonder if this growth spurt was all or at least part edema? maybe this wasn't a massive tumour signaling its dominance over my efforts to constrain and ultimately neutralize it, maybe the buoyancy i felt when handling it and the other indicators suggested something else. i love playing detective!

white team was confident it was all tumour and thusly set in motion a 'palliative' mastectomy, but i'm in no rush. i asked for an ultrasound in the meantime and was incredibly relieved when my sonographer turned out to be a lovely eastern-european lady (sorry to generalize, but, on average, eastern-europeans tend to be more open to natural medicine than their western counterparts) who listened carefully to my account as to why i'd asked for the ultrasound and how i was hoping she could shed further light on my observations... she was fascinated by my jane mansfield and got totally absorbed in the task of how to depict it for the radiologist. both of her probes weren't big enough for my boob-of-art so she spent double the usual consult time to fully capture all the information possible. she kept repeating she'd never seen anything like this before.... there's still a tumour visible against the chest wall (i will get dimensions and better info once we have the radiologists report) but the bulk of my jane mansfield is all......... FLUID!

this has many implications. it could be that what's left of the tumour is obstructing the normal drainage channels of the breast, it could also be that my body has been using the fluid to protect itself from the trauma of the invasive growth. it could also be a reaction to something else, a supplement, a mineral imbalance, there's much that still needs to be discovered!

yesterday when i was lying in the dark watching the sonographer's screen there were too many occasions when i could swear i was seeing the outline of a fetus in its amniotic sac. the resemblance was uncanny and made me feel in the presence of something truly profound. that's one of the many facets of this living symbol i'm carrying. the difference between a symbol and a sign, it bears repeating, is that a sign refers to only one possible meaning, whereas a symbol is complex and dynamic enough to contain many possible inferences within the beguiling gauze of its net.

regardless of the physical 'cause' to be uncovered in the next few weeks, from a symbologist's point of view, this tumour has created its own womb, its own amniotic sac, all in an effort to get through to me. i even recall a few days ago thinking to myself, if jane mansfield keeps growing like this, the skin will break and i'll have cause to announce that my water has broken. this struck me as the start of a ripening irony.

i've asked white team to research if there is a minimally invasive procedure that could drain the breast, but just to have all my options on deck... recall the situ when dealing with a blister. its always recommended to avoid, even with a sterile needle etc, the pricking and draining of the fluid since you risk infection and incomplete healing. my preference will be to leave jane alone and figure out some novel, natural way to reduce her size. its her size and the strain on my fascia and nerve net that has me on percocets which i dislike immensely.

green team has some ideas as well, they're also trying to help me spread the treatments i have left out over as much time as possible since there's no money left for anything... i've started coming into 'work' everyday at a satellite green clinic in the country just a short drive from toronto so that i can have peace and solitude to continue my studies and writing and to offer the seva of housekeeping alongside some ideas i have to help build the business up at this location. its an amazing opportunity to create a role and immerse myself in a workplace environment that's in accord with my aptitudes and interests and that allows me to every day develop my knowledge and apply it in the service of the wellbeing of others.


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