Monday, June 3, 2013

ah whitecoats...

just got a phone call from my new family doctor's office. he wants to book the routine physical that i originally came to him for, the receptionist emphasizing that this was a non-urgent call. i went ahead and booked it notwithstanding my sense that the only reason he wants to do this unnecessary physical (i will be getting all sorts of tests, after all, once established with an oncologist) is to get another billing in before the possibility of my succumbing to this cancer (doctors have the ground experience of the mortality rates of those who follow their treatments, not those who don't). i decided to take him up on the offer anyway because it will be good for me to have a base-line reportage on my basic vital functions just as i'm starting this adventure since i expect to be in better health in six months, notwithstanding all this drama.

when i woke up this morning i had more pain and swelling in the breast than usual. i remember in the night turning over to sleep on the affected side and having the thought occur that this was unwise, but as i settled in i didn't feel any pain and so fell asleep in that position. this highlights for me the importance of maintaining adequate circulation around the area as now, a few hours after waking, i'm not in as much pain. i've also noticed in the last two days the advent of shifting pains in other areas of the body... areas rich in lymph nodes, the pelvis, the throat and neck. i think this is as much psychosomatic (the pains began once i got the diagnosis and not before) as symptomatic. there's no doubt my entire body is engaged in this and if anything its an invitation for me to focus my thoughts and imaginative powers to visualize able defenses and strengths at the ready to go to work on my behalf.

i decided yesterday not to do an absolute fast just yet... for the first time in weeks of daily practice i just couldn't see myself doing a class when the time for it came yesterday. i felt weak and light-headed and uncharacteristically not optimistic of enjoying a rigorous 75minute effort in the 102deg heat. so i've decided to keep to two juicings instead of three, and to have one simple small midday meal of raw greens (my compulsive favorite of the moment is a chopped up avocado dressed with lemon juice with a side of red onion cut into big chunks which i lightly tip-dip in sea salt... i've been eating a whole red onion with every meal for weeks now, can't get enough!).

i think this will not only help keep my digestive system going so that i'm eliminating well, but i really need to keep my energy up in order to be able to get out to hot yoga, which remains, to my mind, super critical and important. being able to sweat, strengthen and release tension is absolutely vital to my well being and mental outlook and i don't think anything positive will be served if i weaken myself so much that i can't get out to do this.

the only time i missed a class this past month was when i took my mother on a day trip to hawkley valley to see a holistic specialist. ironically, i sought his help with her treatment as she's been locked into a cycle of complaining of ill-health as a means to get attention without having any real illness to speak of. the people around her were content to keep taking her to MDs who enjoyed provoking her wrath by serving her with results that show her to be in perfect physical health which only entrenched her animosity and insistence that she was ill. i had great success when i stepped in to treat the totality of her symptoms (viewing the delusional behaviour not as a character flaw to be punished but as a symptom like any other... meaning, even if someone is 'lying' one must ask the question why, and what does it serve, and resist the temptation to nail them to a cross for their misrepresentations)... after a dose of homeopathic zincum metallicum she stopped driving people around her to distraction with her complaining and adopted a more open, optimistic view. i saw this as a great opportunity to take her to a very good holistic specialist i know (an N.D., D.Hom, D.C. among other modalities) understanding that the encounter alone, being listened to instead of repeatedly being challenged as a fraud and liar, paying for a consultation (which led her to value it more) and basking in his authority (she adores doctors of any kind, especially the ones that actually listen and give her the attention she craves), would prove of benefit, and it certainly has.

the irony that i can't afford the same kind of consultation myself is not lost on me, but its part of the drama between mother and i. there have been plenty of opportunities of late for me to look, overall, at the 'unfairness' and see these instead as work assignments provided by life so that i might do the real work of unravelling any lingering resentments. if i had permanently turned away from my mother and not attempted the work of forgiveness, i would never have the valuable provocations in the here and now to use to my advantage in resolving my deeply ingrained feelings about the past. also, being put back upon my own resources in dealing with this cancer doesn't feel like another unfairness. in fact, reframing everything that has happened and is happening to me so that i can view all these things as gifts and opportunities for the transformation of old griefs alongside the development of a robust self-reliance feels very much like the thing i'm here to do this lifetime, and if anything, i'm keen to get on with it.

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