Sunday, June 9, 2013

insincerity kills...

in keeping with the symbolic overlay of this cancer, which appeared to be harmless but in fact is hiding an adversarial, deadly core, i've started clearing house in terms of my social relationships. people who have consistently behaved in a two-faced, hypocritical, and undermining manner; people who misrepresent themselves for the purpose of game-playing or mischief; people who could be relied upon to twist accounts to suit their narrative outlook in order to feed their love of slanderous gossip, this primitive practice the only one capable of sating their need to feel superior and in control while hiding the truth of their own duplicitous, poisoned behaviour; people, particularly those who aspire to artist status, who choose not to do the work of reflecting on their evident insecurity, competitiveness and resentments of other creatives; people who abhor intelligent women and prefer them to either keep silent or speak only in dulcet, approbating terms; people i have tolerated for the sake of some social obligation or for the sake of not making waves... day by day, one by one, i've been making the necessary adjustments...

i have no animosity towards these people, in fact i see very plain how they're controlled by their own pains and inner conflicts and i recognize they're just doing the best they can, but such an understanding is no longer grounds for me to force myself into an exposure to their unrecognized capacity to do harm, to emit negative energy, and sometimes, to do downright reprehensible things to people they feel threatened by. the conflicted feelings that forced interaction with such types produces certainly takes a toll, and right now more than ever i feel a need to say no, nevermore. i'd rather make space for fresh energy and new faces.

the marvelous thing about this whole process is that by merely stating for the first time in neutral, unprovocative terms, the truth of my experience and the warp and woof of my new needs, toxic folk do the rest for me.... pulling aside the curtain on my previously accommodating and ultimately insincere behaviour (having been unwilling in the moment to call out people when they've been snarky, sarcastic, saying one thing and emoting another, or being downright cruel) so as to newly come forward with an easy self-respect and calm governance was enough to set them off, and like infected boils, they burst forth with the foul pus that my instinct had told me all along they were leading with but withholding from view.

each time i adjust my reality to reflect the new orientation and conditions i wish to live by, i'm rewarded with a return of energy and a tremendous sense of relief and freedom. yes, i used to think it was a virtue to keep my tongue and be accommodating, wanting to refuse no one nor dare speak my truth in front of the wrong audience. this was a toxic policy in and of itself and the dissonant feelings i was masking were just as perceptible to my antagonists as theirs was to me, which leads to all sorts of complications and unnecessary drama. i can't emphasize enough the delight one can experience, rather than the grief, of bringing these conflicts out from under the table into the open where decisions can be made. some friendships, i've discovered, thrive in the outing... they become more robust for the opportunity to clear the air and eagerly embrace new agreements and understandings for the benefit of both of us, but the one's that were supported for the wrong reasons and of no benefit to anyone who seeks self-development versus self-deceit, they turn to dust and are easily and fortuitously blown away.

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