Tuesday, June 11, 2013

always be prepared to make room for inconvenient facts...

despite my efforts, the mass in my breast is growing at an alarming rate. i wanted to avoid neurotically checking on it everyday as it also makes it more difficult to assess changes, so i palpate every two or three days. yesterday i could clearly make out a dramatic change in its girth, and most alarming, its encroachment towards the chest wall, if its not contacted it already. i also could no longer deny that i've got some kind of inflammation going on in the lymph channels on the right side of the body, the pain becoming more and more persistent, sometimes going all the way into my neck and jaw or into my legs. i have no swellings or pain in the armpit. i've also noticed a heavy feeling sometimes in my chest and shortness of breath on the stairs that's unusual for me. my energy overall continues to have good stretches interspersed with times i feel utterly exhausted. to complicate matters, these last two days my body has shut down my bowels and i'm having a tough time figuring out what i've been doing wrong.

all this leads me to wonder if the cancer has been operant at another location in the body i would not easily detect and if the breast is a secondary site. whatever is going on, i'm short on information. having still not heard from the hospital, i decided to leave a message with the intake coordinator wishing to confirm she received my lab reports last week, to appraise her of the changes in my condition since my first assessment, and to request my file be fast-tracked for assessment.

i don't care how challenging or complex this ordeal becomes, i won't abandon my positive attitude. that doesn't mean i'll be deluding myself, au contraire. i've carefully considered the trials of this life that i've lived and know full well its entirely possible something in me has decided that its gone as far as it can go, that the frustrations and abuses have taken a toll, and that its time to chalk up the learning achieved and move on to a new cycle. last night i dreamt a team of astronauts took me beyond orbit on a tour farther and farther away from the earth, providing some kind of arcane tutorial on planetary energies that reminded me a great deal of something i'd come across elsewhere, where a spiritualist described the death experience as one where consciousness expands from its old binding to this surly earth to include greater and greater orbits in the cosmos until it becomes infinite. my point is, whatever the trajectory here, both possibilities are equally intriguing and of interest to me and i embrace them both as the eager student i am. whether i can metaphorically die and be reborn through the experience of resolving this cancer, or whether i'm due for the literal endgame, one thing is certain, i want to thoroughly learn from all that i've lived through and take complete responsibility for the choices i've made so that i can build on these consequences, rather than find myself (well, not this self) recast in the same house of horrors and frustrations on account of lack of wisdom development.

i believe it's also possible the cancer has a powerful maintaining cause in the emotional baggage i've not ever really been successful in dumping. it still perplexes me, how to accomplish this feat. i know its important i keep writing behind the scenes my account of the life i've lived. i stopped doing it for a while but i know its important to return to and finish. i also trust that if there's a chance for the emotional clearing i long for, the tools will find me as a result of my genuine readiness to do the work. the death experience might be the healer that teaches me how to let go, but then again, maybe some other resource will cross my path and for the first time i might actually be able to see it for truth and run with it.

if the hospital doesn't get a hold of me today, i might just go and admit myself. in the meantime, i'm not afraid, i'm alive and still fronting this singularity that be me for as long as i can get away with it, just like everyone else, unique snowflakes and perishable all. aho!

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