i had a dream the other night that gave me a very clear caution. it told me that putting so much energy into being a poster child goodytwoshoes, modeling what i consider the best attitudinal approach to dealing with this cancer or any adversity for that matter, will only serve to antagonize and strengthen the cancer. yes, i do genuinely have an optimistic attitude but yes, i can see how i've been wasting a certain amount of my precious and now critical energy on pride of appearance and showing off just how resilient and cheerful i am.
clearly my deeper wisdoms wanted to make plain to me that i can't afford to put my time and effort into creating beautiful impressions of just what a great trouper i'm being. why is it so important for me to try and impress people with my attitude? what do i have invested in this process that doesn't serve me or might lead me astray? what am i avoiding that might not allow me to maintain this cheerful demeanour? how have i allowed myself to turn this diagnosis into a public theater that casts me into a role in order to avoid unpleasant, less glamourous aspects of the task at hand? have i fallen prey to slurping up attention for yet another 'misfortune' in a long line of collected woe i've built my sense of self on? what's up with the bullshit?