Sunday, June 2, 2013

chose your ways of looking...

i should mention that the tumour in my breast is not an early-stage one, but about the size of a tangerine, which makes it a later-stage, aggressive grower... as cancer cells multiply they do so exponentially which is why early diagnosis is such a mantra. still, i'm not concerned or afraid and i should explain why.

when i first consulted my doctor and we aspirated what presented as a cyst but delivered contrary results, i asked him if it were possible that there was a malignancy growing inside a shell of cystic activity. he told me that would be unlikely as such a thing is very rare (LOL i always knew i was a rare sort of girl...!). this led me to wonder why my body would shroud such a thing, giving it plenty of opportunity to grow to an alarming proportion. i already concluded my trajectory is hardly a negative one since my instinct woke me up months before with an overwhelming and irresistible injunction to stop my self-destructive habits and begin a radically different lifestyle. if i was being lined up to quickly succumb to cancer, as many do, why would my body give me that head start? why not catch me tragically unawares and locked into a poisonous lifestyle? my point of view towards life has always been heuristic and creative, in the sense that i endeavour to start from the silver-lining, not end there, as pessimism and negative thinking only beget their own fruit.

i believe there must be a good reason why the tumour was hiding under a cloak of cystic behaviour that wouldn't concern me. i believe my body wanted to produce a growth of a good size so that i can more easily chart its progress, experiencing more dramatically and tangibly just how this process of self-regulating and healing cancer thru diet and natural means really works.

i noticed yesterday that my liability of excessive response was the first thing to get sweetly tweaked. never being one for moderation i started chugging back large amounts of very strong chaga and pau d'arco tea and by the end of the day for the first time i felt a little poorly. my kidneys and liver, one can assume, are still under stress from my previous lifestyle choices and the demands of detoxification and healing and they certainly let me know that last night. the reaction was NOT severe, just some headache (which i never ordinarily get) and a queasy feeling that made me want to lie down. within the hour i was feeling better again and have modified my zealous attitude.

not sure exactly why, but i've always been the sort of person who would think, if one is good, ten will be fantastic! its one of my character flaws that has really resisted alteration. the remarkable thing about this 'crisis' is the high relief the self is cast into and the low resistance to change i'm enjoying. suddenly the notion of being gentle with myself has a whole new appeal and i feel neither anxiety nor impatience in treating this cancer in the same way. i don't view it as an enemy i'm doing battle with but as a wisdom formation that has arrived into my life to teach and guide me towards the changes i've always sought out but have found difficult manifesting.

when i woke up this morning i felt clear and good. i turned onto my back and took my breast into my hand and put the other hand on top where the big lump can be clearly felt. in my mind i talked to it for a bit in gratitude and love and couldn't help but notice that to my perceptions it feels reduced by a fraction, more consolidated and organized, while the breast overall is less inflamed-feeling. i notice when i drink my green juice or my tea, i have sharp pains in the mass, which to me are the signals that it has actively begun sacrificing itself for me, which is the pact i have made with it... i contend it has come into being to take me on this journey which can only end in its complete destruction and my rebirth. it has come to do this willingly so that my own living can begin in truth, engineering my salvation.

i should also report that my instincts are strongly telling me that i should aspire to declining surgery as well, especially if i can demonstrate that my methods are proving effective at reducing the tumour. again life is furnishing me with a bit of time to do this as my doctor relayed it would be about three days before the oncologist's office would be calling to book my appointment. in my file there is now the first ultrasound to reference. before any decision about surgery is made i will insist on another ultrasound (avoiding a mamogram if possible) so that i can compare before and after to see how i'm doing. if there's even the _slightest_ indication that i've reduced the tumour i will move to protect the integrity of my body and continue to use my own powers for inner scalpels, gently working their magic.

because of the largeness of the tumour there is, of course, the possibility that the cancer has already spread invisibly to other organs in which case i will have a few questions about how much help or hindrance surgery would present. i'm open to the possibility that it may be necessary, but overall i feel very strongly that my body is saluting me in the approach i'm taking and that it's rising to the occasion to do what it does best. my breast doesn't look to be suffering, there's no puckering or discolourations (save the lingering bruise from the aspiration) and there's absolutely no changes in the nipple or any discharge. given the size of the mass, if surgery was done right away it would be very disfiguring and would affect the structural integrity of the breast, that is if an outright mastectomy was not recommended.

so there are going to be some interesting decisions ahead. i have no problem visualizing myself as a one-breasted amazon, but i similarly have no problem seeing myself harnessing the powers of mind and body and universal healing wisdoms to perform the operation on myself, preserving the form that be me. i've always been ashamed of my breasts and body and i can't emphasize enough how this single experience has totally relieved me of this wounded sense of self that i've struggled with for so long.

i have always marveled how in life bad consequences can develop from well-intentioned acts just as great things can develop from tragedies. i definitely know how to file this experience already, no matter where it ultimately leads.

doing well, surfing the changes, in love and in light.

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